Losing Love

I love the metaphysical poets. Particularly Donne. This morning I read out 'Valediction Forbidding Mourning' to the two flies trapped in our living room. It made me cry. The flies were moved too, but not enough to fly out of the house. This is probably not a proper thing to be doing, but I enjoyed it- even though I cried. I don't know exactly why I get emotional. It is so strange to think that I am reading words, which are the thoughts of a man who lived over 400 years ago. I feel connected to him even though he no longer exists. Perhaps I am connected to him, as I am to all people, after all, he wrote the famous lines;

"No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main...Every man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

When I think of the great universality of human life experience and how we are all connected, it moves me to tears. Not because I feel sad, but because the concept is so beautiful and it feels like the truth. I've often felt like this when I have said something really truthful. I think it is hard to speak one's truth all the time. Most of the time we skirt around it, decorate it or say the opposite to engender a response. We throw out bait to check the other person's truth, before we reveal our own. When we get to the heart of our emotions, we are always delicate with our expression. It is never easy.

My dear friend Zara will be breaking up with her boyfriend because he needs to go off into the world and create himself. He needs a profession and needs to go away to 'become his own man', I guess. They both agree that this is necessary but they both feel that they are in love and do not really wish to let the other go. In previous times, our grandparent's era, people were separated for up to 5 years during the war. They waited for one another. Now, if someone is going away for 3 months, it is easy to question the value of the relationship. Perhaps something better will come along during the time apart? Daniel Kitson, the comedian, writes a long argument to support his theory that "the world is too big for love to be real, there are too many people to ever know, beyond everything that you are with the right person." But he finishes with; "But I do still miss her." How do we know how much to value our love? My Dad once said something wonderful to me which was, "all you can ever do, is love the people you love to the best of your ability".

I think we are all searching for that eternal love which cannot be made or broken by a man or woman's success or failure, that is 'not altered when it alteration finds,' as Shakespeare wrote. That is enduring, everlasting and true because it makes us feel that we are part of something greater, that even death cannot touch pure love. In Donne's 'Valediction' he writes;

"Dull sublunary lovers love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it."

In Hollywood it is hard to find examples of this love. People are bound by the sparkly shells of one another and find it hard to look into the soul trapped inside, because they are often blinded by their own beauty/talent/power. Everything is almost too sparkly, too delightful. Like in Milton's paradise, we become lazy and spoilt by abundance and beauty. We fail to seek that deeper character in ourselves and others because we do not need it to succeed here. We are fluffy and pretty and light- yet easy to blow out. That is why it is always so amazing to see a couple who have been together for a very long time who really are still so enraptured with each other. It is a rarity. That is why it make me cry to read Donne's poem as he describes their parting; 'like gold to airy thinness beat', he reminds her that they are forever connected in an unbroken chain that is untouchable. If indeed these thoughts on love are true, then if Zara is meant to be with her boyfriend, they will be re-united. It always makes me sad to think that someone could miss it though, that love, that they could give it up and let it go and lose it. But perhaps, if they did, then it wasn't that kind of love, after all. I am not sure if proper people would let love pass them by. I'd like to think that no-one possibly could.

Burn Baby Burn...

The past weekend was a flurry of activity.
It wasn't proper, it wasn't pretty.
It was goddamn beautiful, sparkling and charming.
Filled with mischievous actors whose eyes were disarming.
There was Leo Di Caprio and the God of War
Lady Gaga even pranced on the floor
Who would have thought?
Who would have dared?
At the end of the day though-
Who really cared?

So I was at Soho House, again. And yes, the aforementioned celebrities were there. I was most excited to see Leonardo Di Caprio though, because he is such an inspiration as an actor and let's be honest- just soooo beautiful. Though Langford was quick to point out his expanding gut, Zara and I failed to notice. As we fluffed our hair we could only manage to take in his eyes. Ahhh, what mysterious, soulful eyes he has... Anyway, unfortunately we didn't get to meet him, though seeing him walk by was a sufficient experience to excite the senses and lent a heady feeling to the evening. We met with one of Zara's previous co-stars for a drink and he happened to be hanging out with The God of War. We also know him. It was a funny evening that ended up with us going to a frat party in the Hollywood Hills. Why we were there, I do not know. Upon arrival, we quickly planned our escape. We manage to exit unscathed at get to bed by 2am.

The day had been wonderful. It had started with me awaking at Zara's house. Lola* was leaving to keep shooting her movie and the night before had been a type of going away affair. It involved a little wine and lasted late into the night. We had eaten at a restaurant, 'The Palihouse', that a friend of mine works at and we all had a deliciously fun evening. We sat, as a bunch of actors do, and discussed who would play us in the movie of our lives. It was really pretty pretentious and ridiculous- but we loved it. What can I say?

The Saturday morning I had to get up and leave early as Langford and I had a brunch to attend. We showed up to a beautiful house and were offered mimosas. How could we resist? The table was mostly filled with writers and the conversation was lively and entertaining but Langford was the most entertaining one there, closely followed by our host who exhibited copious amounts of New York, Woody Allen style humor. The banter between he and his wife was golden. When we finally left, we managed to fit in an hour at Zara's pool and I felt completely happy and fulfilled. I could barely contain my joy at being alive! How things change, for yesterday I could not find my joy at all! Perhaps I had used all of it up on Saturday because it was simply too exciting! I don't understand how moods can change so dramatically. I wonder if proper people feel this way? I imagine their moods to be more solid and steady. Sometimes it feels nice to be sad though, to feel something strongly. It makes you know you are alive and it can be an excellent place to create from.

I just got off the phone from Zara and she got an acting job! A guest star role in a hot new show. I am so happy for her. She really deserves it. All of my friends are on fire right now. That means the flame is burning close, so surely a little light will shine on me too.

Does someone have the answer?

Why doesn't someone know the answer? I think we all like to feel that someone else has the answer. Maybe it is God. Maybe it is Science. Maybe it is astrology and the stars have got it all planned out. Perhaps that is why our culture is constantly fascinated with cults and religions- and even aliens. We always imagine aliens to be far much more advanced than us, even Stephen Hawking has theorized that if aliens do indeed exist, we are best not to contact them because they would probably detonate our entire civilization with the click of a button. What if aliens did exist but we were more advanced than them? Perhaps they would be fascinated with our granola bars and Coca-Cola.
"Ahhh...Yes, that's a grain and it is sweetened with honey made by bees." There eyes would widen and they would coo,
"How do you know so much, human?"
We would stand there, proudly and say,
"Someone once dropped an oat in a honey pot..."
Perhaps the aliens could only begin to comprehend a computer, perhaps they wouldn't even understand reality TV stars- (who does?).Where would that leave us? We would be back to looking at ourselves for the answers. My quest to become a proper person is, of course, part of this conundrum. Could these other people with proper jobs and suits and ties know more than I? Perhaps. I like dressing up as one, I did the other day and had a good audition. The 'good' audition did go well and apparently they loved me. But I got my answer and it was a 'NO'. I was in the mix with 2 other girls but I didn't get it. Apparently they are going to look out for another role on the show for me, so hopefully that will happen! I hope that one of these casting directors will have a different answer for me very soon. My friend Tim* booked a pilot today and I am very happy for him. I helped him run lines. He has finally found the right answer- a friggin' paycheck! He has been trying for a long time so I know I just have to keep going until my answer changes. When it does, I may have finally morphed into a proper person with the help of my advanced alien friends- although I think it may be better for me to play a proper person rather than to actually be one. As my very good friend Bree* said to me- " are you sure you want to be a proper person? I'm not sure you would be very good at it!

A Good Audition

Yesterday I read for a recurring guest star role on a new TV show. It seemed to go really well. When I arrived there was a sign saying that they would only be reading 2 of the 3 scenes we were asked to prepare. Great. They often do that and it can be really annoying if you worked hard on all of them! The other girl I walked in with was relieved because she had hardly learned them as she had been out to dinner the night before with a good friend. I was ready to do them all and had missed out on going to dinner with my really good friends in order to work on the scene! Luckily, once I read the first scene, the casting director asked me to do all three. Good sign! She is a wonderful casting director and it is such a pleasure to do auditions with people who are really courteous and genuine in the room. As I walked out of the room, I felt happy and that I had delivered a good audition. Is it what they are looking for? Who knows. By the time I got to my car, the other girl was walking out already so she must have been in and out very quickly- but that doesn't mean anything! She could still get the job! However, I am sure that it is I who has the job. OK, to be honest I have no further news BUT I am being positive. I am reading a very interesting book called 'The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn'. She is a metaphysician from the 1930's who wrote about the power of the spoken word and the energetic vibrations we give off that create our present and our future.
The best book is the first one she wrote, 'The Game of Life and How to Play It'. One of my favourite pages simply says:
Nothing is too good to be true
Nothing is too wonderful to happen
Nothing is too good to last
This is very much in line with 'The Course in Miracles', but I can feel Langford getting squeamish as he reads this. He could find 50 reasons to disbelieve the above statements. What is it about my personality that draws me so strongly to these statements? It is because I am a believer. A dreamer. If I wasn't, I would never have got to LA, I would never have been in any movies or TV shows and I wouldn't have been on stage. I am incredibly grateful for those experiences and I dream of more to come! There is no point in thinking about facts because 'facts' invariably lead you to 'safe' choices and 'safe' choices do not lead to great things. I wonder if it is safe choices that lead you to become a proper person? My father always asks me when I am going to become a proper person and I still don't have the answer. Surely it will be when I 'play' one on an upcoming TV show!

Proper Vampires

I auditioned for 'Twilight' last week. For me, it was a highlight. I have always wanted to play a blood sucking Vampire, ever since I came across Anne Rice's fabulous 'Interview with a Vampire'. When I was 17 ( which was a long time ago ) I wrote and acted in a dramatic piece about being a 400 year old Vampire. I was obsessed and remember describing in detail the first 'kill' I made as a Vampire. It was thrilling. I think the other girls in my school thought it was strange. It certainly wasn't as cool or as chic to be into Vampires as it is right now. There are so many TV series and movies about the immortal blood suckers that it really makes you wonder what is behind our obsession with it. I guess it could be the sexual metaphor of sucking blood but I think it may have more to do with our youth obsession and the ability to live on in perfection forever. By perfection, I mean forever wrinkle free but existing without a soul. I guess that makes it clear. It should be obvious - right? Surely a soul is worth more than a wrinkle? Certainly in LA, it is easy to flip into the notion that it would be better to look good at any cost. Just last night I had a dream about putting Restylane in my face. In the dream the procedure worked well but I am still not sure if I would want to inject myself with these chemicals. OK, if I could be sure I would look really good and there was no possibility that anything could go wrong then I would do it. When I think of that, Russell Crowe's voice echoes in my head. The one piece of advice he gave me, with utmost Russell Crowe intensity, was "Don't F%ck with your face!" I promised him I would not. Do proper people do such things? I wonder. I am not really sure, but I suspect that they might do it, just a little bit. Who knows? Most older actresses do, but are they proper people? Maybe I don't want to be a proper person after all, maybe I just want to be a Vampire.

During the course of writing this entry, my manager just told me that the 'Twilight' audition will not be going further. Ah well, I guess I am not meant to be a Vampire after all, or at least, not right now. There must be something bigger and better in the pipeline... I shall not waiver. I am determined to be here when it arrives!

Graduating to become a Proper Person.

I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Dustin Hoffman the other night, after a private screening of his film 'The Graduate' at Soho House. With clever, insightful direction from Mike Nichols and a peculiar and dynamic hero, 'The Graduate' still stands strong. I see it as a coming of age story that explores the emptiness we've all felt, that niggling feeling that something is missing, the 'sound of silence'. In fact 'The Graduate' is a great example of someone striving and struggling to be a proper person. Or perhaps he struggles with even wanting to be a proper person- should he want that? He sees everyone around him as separate- as a different kind of person to the man he wants to be. There is no ideal for Dustin's 'Ben', just examples of what he doesn't want. No wonder he's confused. It was right not to cast Robert Redford or a typical leading man type. What was needed was a questioner, someone to push the boundaries, someone who was 'on edge'. In a way, Ben is a version of Camus' 'The Outsider'- that ultimate anti-hero who comes up again and again in literature- J.D. Salinger then Brett Easton-Ellis bring the disconnected man to life in different ways and Ben Braddock is not completely dissimilar, although he finds passion momentarily. Dustin Hoffman is the perfect casting because he possesses so many juxtaposing characteristics. I love this character, sometimes I feel just like him- he is a dichotomy, a conundrum.

Dustin takes us on an emotional journey as we laugh at his awkwardness, wonder at his detachment, admire his strength and self commitment and are swept away by his extreme passion and determination. He really does 'go his own way'- as Fleetwood Mac so aptly put it. When he gets what he wanted or what he thought he wanted, we are left with the uneasy feeling that the darkness has returned and perhaps it wasn't really what he wanted in the first place. Once again he seems detached, confused, alone- even as he sits next to the girl of his dreams. Dustin gets it perfectly, not because he is so capable of displaying emotion (although of course he is a master of doing so) but because he welcomes the audience into his head. The most captivating parts of his performance are when we see him trying to work it all out- why is he feeling the way he does? What is the point of life? What do I really want? Those are the questions that seem to swell in his mind and draws us in as we try to work them out with him. The answers he comes up with are hilarious. One of my favorite parts is when he tells his parents he is getting married and yet the girl not only is unaware of it, but doesn't even like him! It is wonderful to see him telling himself not to do things and then taking every opposite action. No wonder he gets caught up in this mess. He tells Mrs Robinson that he has to leave and yet keeps walking towards her naked body- who wouldn't? Ultimately, I find the film to be extremely truthful and very clever. I laughed a lot. It makes me think of Horace Walpole's quote; 'The world is a tragedy for those who feel but a comedy for those who think.'

Second Chances

Is it right for people to get a second chance at being a proper person? I believe it is. A third? Most likely, no. At least, not until some dues are paid. My friend was recently violently attacked by her boyfriend. He was previously accused of hitting a former girlfriend but had the conviction overturned. He had gotten off because an assault conviction would have potentially damaged his career. He was young and had a bright future ahead of him. Why this was reason to let him off the hook, I will never know. Plenty of people possessing these same characteristics and the same story could never have used such an argument because they are not in the entertainment industry. The 'victim' of his assault was also young with a bright future ahead of her. This did not appear to be as important. Somehow, even after the assault was made public, his career seemed to grow. It is sickening to think that the public attention he received after attacking a woman could have somehow made him more successful. However, perhaps he did deserve a second chance, perhaps he was truly sorry, so people, including me, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, a couple of years later, he has assaulted another beautiful girl. Again, this woman is being strong and public about the incident, but hopefully this time he won't get off so easily.