Does someone have the answer?

Why doesn't someone know the answer? I think we all like to feel that someone else has the answer. Maybe it is God. Maybe it is Science. Maybe it is astrology and the stars have got it all planned out. Perhaps that is why our culture is constantly fascinated with cults and religions- and even aliens. We always imagine aliens to be far much more advanced than us, even Stephen Hawking has theorized that if aliens do indeed exist, we are best not to contact them because they would probably detonate our entire civilization with the click of a button. What if aliens did exist but we were more advanced than them? Perhaps they would be fascinated with our granola bars and Coca-Cola.
"Ahhh...Yes, that's a grain and it is sweetened with honey made by bees." There eyes would widen and they would coo,
"How do you know so much, human?"
We would stand there, proudly and say,
"Someone once dropped an oat in a honey pot..."
Perhaps the aliens could only begin to comprehend a computer, perhaps they wouldn't even understand reality TV stars- (who does?).Where would that leave us? We would be back to looking at ourselves for the answers. My quest to become a proper person is, of course, part of this conundrum. Could these other people with proper jobs and suits and ties know more than I? Perhaps. I like dressing up as one, I did the other day and had a good audition. The 'good' audition did go well and apparently they loved me. But I got my answer and it was a 'NO'. I was in the mix with 2 other girls but I didn't get it. Apparently they are going to look out for another role on the show for me, so hopefully that will happen! I hope that one of these casting directors will have a different answer for me very soon. My friend Tim* booked a pilot today and I am very happy for him. I helped him run lines. He has finally found the right answer- a friggin' paycheck! He has been trying for a long time so I know I just have to keep going until my answer changes. When it does, I may have finally morphed into a proper person with the help of my advanced alien friends- although I think it may be better for me to play a proper person rather than to actually be one. As my very good friend Bree* said to me- " are you sure you want to be a proper person? I'm not sure you would be very good at it!

Proper Vampires

I auditioned for 'Twilight' last week. For me, it was a highlight. I have always wanted to play a blood sucking Vampire, ever since I came across Anne Rice's fabulous 'Interview with a Vampire'. When I was 17 ( which was a long time ago ) I wrote and acted in a dramatic piece about being a 400 year old Vampire. I was obsessed and remember describing in detail the first 'kill' I made as a Vampire. It was thrilling. I think the other girls in my school thought it was strange. It certainly wasn't as cool or as chic to be into Vampires as it is right now. There are so many TV series and movies about the immortal blood suckers that it really makes you wonder what is behind our obsession with it. I guess it could be the sexual metaphor of sucking blood but I think it may have more to do with our youth obsession and the ability to live on in perfection forever. By perfection, I mean forever wrinkle free but existing without a soul. I guess that makes it clear. It should be obvious - right? Surely a soul is worth more than a wrinkle? Certainly in LA, it is easy to flip into the notion that it would be better to look good at any cost. Just last night I had a dream about putting Restylane in my face. In the dream the procedure worked well but I am still not sure if I would want to inject myself with these chemicals. OK, if I could be sure I would look really good and there was no possibility that anything could go wrong then I would do it. When I think of that, Russell Crowe's voice echoes in my head. The one piece of advice he gave me, with utmost Russell Crowe intensity, was "Don't F%ck with your face!" I promised him I would not. Do proper people do such things? I wonder. I am not really sure, but I suspect that they might do it, just a little bit. Who knows? Most older actresses do, but are they proper people? Maybe I don't want to be a proper person after all, maybe I just want to be a Vampire.

During the course of writing this entry, my manager just told me that the 'Twilight' audition will not be going further. Ah well, I guess I am not meant to be a Vampire after all, or at least, not right now. There must be something bigger and better in the pipeline... I shall not waiver. I am determined to be here when it arrives!

It's a Mystery!

I just ate a lot of lollies. I feel a little guilty. I also haven't run for four days. I was eating so healthfully today! Why did I ruin it? For lunch I had roasted vegetables and then made another batch of my savory muffins. This time I was able to put bacon in them because I did not burn the bacon. This is a major accomplishment. Apart from having one too many jubes, I am feeling pretty peaceful today. My muffins turned out well and I just got a residual check from one of my movies in the mail which puts off getting a job at Starbucks for another two months. YAY! I also have been listening to classical music all day and I have to say it calms your mind and lifts your spirits immeasurably. This morning I went to miracle class but for whatever reason it was only me who showed up. Melina and Melinda couldn't make it. They both had auditions. As you can probably guess, most of the people at miracle class are actors. All actors are looking for a miracle. It always seems like lightning in a bottle when you get a job. It is so precious and strange and never seems to make any sense. I haven't heard back yet from my two auditions on Monday. They were both films though, so they usually take longer to get back to you. I had a nice chat with the healer, Jo* anyway. She is really my friend, so instead of doing miracles, we just had coffee and talked. It was really nice to spend time with Jo, as she is such a bright light and a pleasure to be around.

Yesterday I had a massage. My best friend in LA, Zara*, rang me in the afternoon to tell me she had a masseuse coming over to her house. I got in my car straight away. I desperately needed that massage. My neck was killing me. This was because I had spent an absurd amount of time in an awkward position. On the day of my two big auditions, I was shocked to realise that I only had old, clumpy mascara. In order to separate my gluey eyelashes, I employed a technique I had seen Julia Roberts use in the movie 'Charlie Wilson's War'. That's right, I used a pin to poke through my lashes. It is a very dangerous move and I do not recommend you try this at home. Luckily, I did NOT poke my eye out, I did however throw my neck out because I spent about twenty minutes standing with my head cocked back in order to get the appropriate view of my eyelashes. Isn't that ridiculous? What a waste of time! I find that I fall into some kind of trance when I do make-up. It is actually very therapeutic. Unless the make-up is not going on well. Then it is stressful! Anyway, the masseuse told me that Zara's body was stressed, her boyfriend's was relaxed and mine was the most stressed! I was very sad to hear this. He told me I needed a 2 hour massage! Obviously I was not going to fall for his money making gimmick! I did wonder if he might have a point- especially as he had not recommended that to either Zara or her boyfriend. Hmmm... I guess I have been stressed lately, what with the visa and the 'time- off' I'm having in between jobs. Anyone would think that not working would be relaxing, but that is only if you have worked, know you will be working again and are on vacation. I wish I could feel that certain about my future but it is hard when you can never work out the reason why you don't get an acting job and even more weirdly, you can never work out why you did get a job. It's a mystery!

I am now about to meet a friend for a drink. She is someone I met at a drama school in London when I was 16! That is 15 years ago! I had really liked her back in the day, and remember buying her a 7up to help cure her hangover, only to see her regurgitate it. Now, that's friendship! I had actually found it quite instructive at the time because she was 19 and I was 16 and not yet versed in the peaks and troughs of alcohol abuse. I soon became acutely aware of the peaks when I found that no-one checked ID in London. I also became aware of the troughs when I would wake up to a terrible headache and memories of singing in restaurants to bemused patrons. After the drama summer school, I had lost touch with her. Weirdly, we were re-united 12 years later when we were both working on a film in the US. She now works behind the camera. I shall not drink much tonight as I am on a mission to be a proper person. I think just one bottle of wine should suffice.