Graduating to become a Proper Person.

I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Dustin Hoffman the other night, after a private screening of his film 'The Graduate' at Soho House. With clever, insightful direction from Mike Nichols and a peculiar and dynamic hero, 'The Graduate' still stands strong. I see it as a coming of age story that explores the emptiness we've all felt, that niggling feeling that something is missing, the 'sound of silence'. In fact 'The Graduate' is a great example of someone striving and struggling to be a proper person. Or perhaps he struggles with even wanting to be a proper person- should he want that? He sees everyone around him as separate- as a different kind of person to the man he wants to be. There is no ideal for Dustin's 'Ben', just examples of what he doesn't want. No wonder he's confused. It was right not to cast Robert Redford or a typical leading man type. What was needed was a questioner, someone to push the boundaries, someone who was 'on edge'. In a way, Ben is a version of Camus' 'The Outsider'- that ultimate anti-hero who comes up again and again in literature- J.D. Salinger then Brett Easton-Ellis bring the disconnected man to life in different ways and Ben Braddock is not completely dissimilar, although he finds passion momentarily. Dustin Hoffman is the perfect casting because he possesses so many juxtaposing characteristics. I love this character, sometimes I feel just like him- he is a dichotomy, a conundrum.

Dustin takes us on an emotional journey as we laugh at his awkwardness, wonder at his detachment, admire his strength and self commitment and are swept away by his extreme passion and determination. He really does 'go his own way'- as Fleetwood Mac so aptly put it. When he gets what he wanted or what he thought he wanted, we are left with the uneasy feeling that the darkness has returned and perhaps it wasn't really what he wanted in the first place. Once again he seems detached, confused, alone- even as he sits next to the girl of his dreams. Dustin gets it perfectly, not because he is so capable of displaying emotion (although of course he is a master of doing so) but because he welcomes the audience into his head. The most captivating parts of his performance are when we see him trying to work it all out- why is he feeling the way he does? What is the point of life? What do I really want? Those are the questions that seem to swell in his mind and draws us in as we try to work them out with him. The answers he comes up with are hilarious. One of my favorite parts is when he tells his parents he is getting married and yet the girl not only is unaware of it, but doesn't even like him! It is wonderful to see him telling himself not to do things and then taking every opposite action. No wonder he gets caught up in this mess. He tells Mrs Robinson that he has to leave and yet keeps walking towards her naked body- who wouldn't? Ultimately, I find the film to be extremely truthful and very clever. I laughed a lot. It makes me think of Horace Walpole's quote; 'The world is a tragedy for those who feel but a comedy for those who think.'

Second Chances

Is it right for people to get a second chance at being a proper person? I believe it is. A third? Most likely, no. At least, not until some dues are paid. My friend was recently violently attacked by her boyfriend. He was previously accused of hitting a former girlfriend but had the conviction overturned. He had gotten off because an assault conviction would have potentially damaged his career. He was young and had a bright future ahead of him. Why this was reason to let him off the hook, I will never know. Plenty of people possessing these same characteristics and the same story could never have used such an argument because they are not in the entertainment industry. The 'victim' of his assault was also young with a bright future ahead of her. This did not appear to be as important. Somehow, even after the assault was made public, his career seemed to grow. It is sickening to think that the public attention he received after attacking a woman could have somehow made him more successful. However, perhaps he did deserve a second chance, perhaps he was truly sorry, so people, including me, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, a couple of years later, he has assaulted another beautiful girl. Again, this woman is being strong and public about the incident, but hopefully this time he won't get off so easily.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

Hair Propability.

So, after a girl's night out, I dropped by a bar to see two of my male actor friends. One of them, Simon* had been a subject of conversation at the girl's night. The actresses had gotten excited about how gorgeous he was and one of them had even 'bid' on him when he had auctioned himself off for a date for charity. I had texted him to boost his ego and tell him that he was being drooled over. He was delighted. So, imagine my shock when I dropped by the bar to discover that Simon had some new sort of bowl haircut! Instead of keeping my thoughts about his shocking hairstyle to myself, I suddenly found myself blurting them out. "You're hair looks weird," I said. I mean, OK, it wasn't that nice to say so, but I have also told him on numerous occasions that he was extremely handsome. You give and you take, right? Alright, even that doesn't quite make up for it, but I was expecting him to laugh. I did NOT get a laugh, or even a giggle or even a brush off! Instead, I witnessed a man lose his sh*t! His eyebrows furrowed. A deep fiery red began to takeover his face, his jaw clenched, his eyes widened. Satan seemed to be standing in front of me. Simon was nowhere to be seen. The evil, red man, spoke:
"You can't just say that to people!" he hissed. "I mean, F$*k you! Seriously, you have to learn how to talk to people! I can't change it now-can I?"
I, shocked and worried for his emotional safety, of course scrambled some compliments together and lay them upon him. But he could no longer hear me. I have never seen someone so angry in my entire life! The fragility of the actor's ego astounded me. I tried to dig myself out of it. Not a good idea.
"Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to take you down a notch because all the girls were talking you up so much," I, tryingly said.
My good friend Ash* turned to me and said,
"You should probably just stop talking now."
I understood, I was making it worse. I tried to keep my mouth shut. But I couldn't bear his angry eyes. I wanted Simon to come back. My trial exorcism continued.
"You can always change your hair," I added, helpfully.
Oh my God, I should shut up. He exploded.
"Look, I didn't like your hair when you died it brown but I didn't say that to you, did I? DID I"
No, he didn't. In fact, come to think of it, I think he must have lied. OK, OK, point taken, he preferred me as a blonde. I get it. I wasn't offended. I didn't have a hissy fit. It is just hair after all. I told him so and tried to lead by example. See, I can take a hit! Still, the devil stared at me.
In the end, after trying to salvage the situation and failing miserably, I thought it was best if I just cut my losses and moved on. I was there for less that 20 minutes and had caused a lot of damage. Was it really my terrible behavior? Am I really lacking in social graces? I reminded him, as I left, that I must have previously given him a million compliments, to which he responded,
" Once, at Zara's house, by the pool, you said I was handsome."
He snarled through this as though he could barely stand saying it. He looked sad as he remembered this one occasion. A moment of hope? Then he looked angry again. Time to leave. I pretty much ran out of there, hoping that he would forgive me later. All this because of his hair! Sheesh! OVERREACTION! I guess neither of us was a proper person in the situation but then again, we are both actors, so no-one expected us to be. I must try and hang out more with non-actors. This will surely increase my 'propability'.

Personality Plastic Surgery

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I just read that Michael J. Fox is going to do a guest role on 'The Good Wife'. It is amazing how optimistic and dedicated to his profession he is- in spite of his disease. I really admire him. Michael J. Fox has incredible spirit and is a great actor. What an inspiration. I think I may need personality plastic surgery, but Langford told me that it is not possible. This is very depressing news. I still feel a little bit like I am missing a major piece of information. I don't know how to do life 'properly'- I am not a proper person yet! I don't have a disease or any real set-back but for some reason I can't come up with the drive to catapult my career into the heavens! My concern is not that I am lonely or unloved but that I feel like I do not know how to do anything other than act! I am trying to think of new careers or new ways to make money and nothing is coming to me. My mother is trying to schedule my life for me but it just isn't working! I had a film audition today and am friends with the casting director. I had assumed she had asked me to come in specifically but there were two other girls from my agency there! Competition. Although it doesn't really matter if they are from my agency, I have to compete against someone! I think I did a great read. Maybe this is the one.

Proper People in a Proper World

So my day started with my phone ringing at 7.30am. It was a successful actor/producer 'friend' of mine (I have met him once) Fred*. I let it ring out. I knew he had a little crush on me and couldn't think why he would need to speak to me so early in the morning. Next, Zara* started calling and I answered her. She told me she was with Fred*. Great. Before I could explain why I couldn't answer the call, Zara jumped straight in, asking me if I could come and 'help' Fred. I had no idea what kind of 'help' she was talking about, but signed myself up immediately, (as I usually do) thinking that he wanted me to help him film an audition. As I began to ask questions, it was revealed that Fred was searching for a different kind of help, the help that can be found in a proper person. Apparently he was having a nervous breakdown/hangover/drug recovery/depression and couldn't cope with the world. He had a string of important studio meetings and wanted Zara and me to be his assistants for the day. I took all of this in as I brushed my teeth and ran out the door. In the background I heard him shout out- "Tell 'er, tell her I'll pay her three hundred dollars!" I was totally confused about why I was driving over there but Zara needed me to be there too. She was concerned that he was going to do something terrible to himself.

When I arrived, Fred was passed out on the couch and we couldn't wake him, even when we shook him, so we sat out on the balcony and waited. Zara told me that he had been saying ridiculous things all morning, like "you're smart but you can't understand what it's like being me- I'm a genius." And "I think I'm gonna kill myself, OK, I'm not really, I just needed to say it, now I feel better" and "everything is ruined, everything!" and "you girls are 'quality', I've got quantity but no quality". It was all pretty funny, but we also had to treat it seriously, just in case he really was about to go over the edge. Luckily he calmed down and when he finally arose from his sleep he thought we were angels, literally. We both had to run off to auditions and on our way back he called us on the phone to say "please hurry up and come home!" Once we returned, we made him re-schedule his appointments and everything seemed to work out. We picked him up McDonalds, made sure he was OK and at the end of the day we refused to accept any money. It felt like he was trying to pay us for being his friends and that didn't feel right. What a weird day.

I am now about to go out to dinner with my parrot loving, surfer Australian friend who is in town for a few days. I feel like I was a proper person today but I definitely wasn't in a proper world.

Flies cut through the bulls#@t.

I just saw that my agents have signed two new actresses in my age range and type. I am trying to not feel irritated by it but I do feel a little pissed off. I told myself that I was going to be positive today so I am trying to tell myself that this it does not matter. Perhaps it doesn't. Or perhaps this heralds the end of my career! OK, OK, now I'm being dramatic. Do proper people feel this way?

I spent the day helping my actor friend, Tim, film an audition. It was for a really great project with great writing and a dynamic, funny character. Any actor's dream would be to play this role. He dressed up and even went to the lengths of wearing a wig! It was pretty funny and he did a really good job. I really hope his audition sparks some interest- he deserves some.

I just watched my favorite TV show 'Mad Men', which I loved, followed by 'Entourage'- a show that has really gone down hill. Why do porn stars now get to be actors on hot TV shows when they can't even act? Perhaps I should have gone to Porn school instead of Drama school. Good on Sasha Grey for making it this far, but I just don't understand why. After a particularly dull delivery, Turtle announces "she's funny"- excuse me- when? Are we watching the same thing here? 'Mad Men' is full of percolating characters and proper people and is so real that you feel as if you were a fly on the wall. The scripts are tight and subtle. Whereas, the characters in 'Entourage' are consistently placed in barely believable circumstances, have terrible lines to say and if you were a fly on the wall, you would be continuously shouting out "yeah right!"