How Far Have I Run?

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Do you ever stop and wonder how the hell you got to where you are? Sometimes when I take that moment it really blows my hair back. I suddenly realize I'm not a multi-millionaire right now, I'm not a famous actress, I'm not a famous writer, I'm not the CEO of a successful company-my God, I'm not even married! Then I fall down. It's just too much for my small brain to comprehend- especially the stuff about being a CEO- who know's where that came from? The title just sounds good, doesn't it? I guess I could be CEO of this blog, right?

How did I get here? It has been about 10 months since I started shooting the horror film I did last year and the bank balance is looking pretty empty. I may have to fall back on an old profession to build it back up. NO! Not being a prostitute! I meant a profession I had before. I've done all the normal things like waitress and babysit, I hosted at restaurants, worked as a promo girl, wrote for a local magazine, was a football reporter and talent scout and drama teacher and private coach. I've also had some weird jobs. I used to work for a Private Investigation Agency, writing reports for Detectives who followed scummy people and tried to catch them out. I wrote for a local Fishing Newspaper where my stoned boss would come up with conspiracy theories about the fishing industry and try to seduce with me with oysters kilpatrick. To be honest, I had fun doing the jobs, and the oysters were pretty good but I always went back to acting. I never really felt like a proper person in the other jobs whereas in acting I didn't feel the need to be a proper person. No one is proper in the acting industry. I guess that's why I always felt so comfortable.

I just started reading a book called 'Loving What Is', by Byron Katie. She talks about how all of our frustration, stress and pain is cause by a denial of what is and a wish for things to be different. She says that if we can come around to fully understanding and accepting what is real and true in the current moment then we can be released from the thoughts that hold us back from peace and happiness. So, for example, I could be released from the thought that I should be more successful right now if I just accept that right now I am an actress looking for work and I am as successful as I am. There is no more I 'should' be, I just am as I am. She says that it is not the actual circumstance that is causing you pain, but your thoughts around that circumstance. The thoughts start to control you and make you feel stressed because they constantly criticize the current moment. I think that she explains all of this very well but I still wish she had a section that said, 'how to become very rich in two weeks or less'. Someone should write a book called that. I am sure they would be a best-seller in no time.