BBQ

It is the end of memorial day weekend. For the first time since living in the US for 3 years, I actually really felt a part of the holiday weekend and actually felt like it was a long weekend and not just another day of no work. This is partly because I had such a big party on Friday and also because we went to a number of parties over the weekend. Last night( Sunday ), my beautiful friend Lilly offered me a free ticket to go and see The Flight of the Conchords at the Hollywood Bowl. Lilly had become friends with Jemaine, one of the stars, and so we had great seats very near to the stage! Lilly had prepared a cheese plate and I bought a bottle of wine. We met another friend of Jemaine's, a Kiwi musician and a young British actress. They sat a few rows behind us. The vibe was great and I couldn't really fathom how the two stars of Flight of the Conchords had become such a huge success and had sooooo many people at their concert, until I saw their show. I have to say that it was truly a great experience. They were very funny and I was reminded of how great their songs were. They had real musical talent and such a wide range of music, that it would have been good even without their funny lyrics. I loved how they played up their nerdy characters with stories of their rough times 'on the road' like the time they ate a complimentary muffin and 'took drugs'. Their version of taking drugs is when one of them had a cold and took cold and flu tablets and the other one took one 'just because'. After the concert, Lilly and I went to the after party where there was free food and drinks. I ordered a marguerita but I couldn't really drink it because my stomach was cramping up from eating too much cheese. I know- I'm a greedy guts. Can you believe I ate the food at the after party too? I was hoping it would help calm my stomach. I don't know why I always do that with food, I think by layering more food on top, it will solve the crazy cramping my stomach feels is necessary for my survival. ITS NOT NECESSARY!! Maybe my stomach is trying to warn me that I eat too much. Hmmmm. Now that's food for thought.

At the after party I met Jemaine. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I also bumped into a girlfriend of mine from highschool in Hong Kong who is now an agent at one of the top actor's agencies. She had a strange demeanour but I like her. Not sure if it is exactly mutual. Oh well, what can you do? We were chatting for a short while but then Langford was coming to pick me up. He had stayed on at Zara's house. We had been there earlier for a BBQ and even before that we had been at another BBQ in culver city. As I was walking out to the car, I saw that Langford was talking to a friend of his, Mia, who he had randomly bumped into. Mia was out with two casting directors I know, so I quickly said hi to them. Random!

Today we have been at another memorial day BBQ. It was hosted by my friend I met 15 years ago at and English Acting course, held in London, and who I re-connected with 2 years ago when she was working on the technical side of the movie I was in. Who would have thought life would throw us back together in this way? Me. I also know her dad. He works in the industry too. It was a beautiful party at a lovely house. The party was catered for and there was some good food. We also met a big producer, Eagle. Eagle was very friendly. I also had a weird moment with a larger lady who I thought was my manager for a second. I looked at her as if I knew her and she reciprocated and hugged me and said "It's been so long!" I then realised I did not know her, after all. But we still had the hug. It was kind of awkward. I am dead tired.

I don't want to write my blog today. I'm too hungover. Maybe I will come and add more later. My party was great. The vodka cranberry definitely helped me. It was pretty weird at the beginning though. I hadn't booked the venue because my friend had told me you didn't need to. I also had never been there before and didn't think it necessary to contact them and tell them I was having a party. I, of course had a strange fear that maybe Langford and I would show up and discover that the bar was closed. Then I told myself that that was ridiculous. Then we walked up to a closed bar. Great. This place is so 'cool' that it doesn't have a sign or even the address printed outside but we were pretty sure we were in the right place. Then a handsome black man, sitting in a car outside, asked us if we were looking for Club L. "Yes," we replied. "Well, I'm the manager and it doesn't open till 10."
"Oh shit." The current time was 8.45 and I had invited people to come at 9. I really didn't want to tell everyone that we just had to hang out on the sidewalk. This was a terrible start to my party. People were already going to have difficulty finding the place and now it wasn't even open! The manager introduced himself and said he was waiting for the owner to arrive with the key. A girl showed up and I eagerly asked her,
"Are you the key bearer?" This was beginning to sound like a mystical TV show. My friends started to arrive and there were 5 of us now huddled in the cold on the street. I wouldn't let them go to another bar for fear of confusing the yet to arrive guests. They finally let us in and so we started the party in a massive warehouse with only the 5 of us and all the house lights on. Great. Then the writer of a movie I did arrived and had brought with him a pretty well known British actor. I rushed to explain why my party is so weird. They were probably expecting a thumping cool scene and instead it was just 5 or 6 people in the corner of a massive warehouse. Weird. Anyway, the served us some drinks so it was OK. Then finally, more people arrived and we had a great time. Will tell more, later.

Birthday Party.

Oh my goodness. I am about to go to my birthday party. I really, really hope that lots of people come. I hope that it is fun and that there are no hiccups. Ever since my 9th birthday party when only 8 people came, I've suffered a terrifying fear of a repeat. It is totally unjustified because ever since that party I have had fantastically large parties. Last year I didn't have one because I was 30 and didn't see much to celebrate in that. This year I feel much more comfortable with my age. Of course I am still trying to look 21 but I'm sure I'll get over that. I am going to have quite a few drinks tonight whilst also trying to remain a proper person. This may be too difficult a task. I must now leave and eat something to prepare for the alcohol abuse my liver is about to take. Pray for me.

I wanted to say that I also had a great day today with Langford. We road to Venice on our bikes, had breakfast at Cora's and I had my hair done and I did a 15 minute psychic reading which was a load of bollocks. I have to go now.

Happy Birthday

It's my birthday! How wonderful it was to wake up and know this simple fact. It made me feel happy. I just realized that my mentioning my birthday it could easily expose who I really am. Oh well, I don't think anybody else is reading this anyway so it doesn't matter. I woke up Langford, annoyingly telling him that 'I was ready to start my birthday'. He pleaded for a little more time so I think I gave him at least another half an hour before I told him that I was 'really' ready for my birthday. Thankfully Langford is such a good sport and went to make me breakfast in bed. I got a boiled egg on ezekiel toast and a cup of tea. The egg was perfectly boiled to my taste. I knew that that was an accident but I was grateful for it. Then Langford gave me a card with a funny rhyme and some beautiful sparkly blue Indian beaded sandals and a necklace. The necklace was particularly thoughtful because he had the one he had originally bought for me and that I had lost, re-made. The Indian sandals I had spotted in a shop window a month ago but never tried on. He got the last pair and they happen to fit perfectly. Lucky. I then rushed off to miracle class where we did a beautiful meditation and had an interesting discussion about perspectives. Then I had a massage at Zara's place and then Zara and her boyfriend and Langford and I went to a beautiful lunch on top of Soho House. I had a glass of rose champagne and ate fish salad and lemon tart. Yum! I have had many birthday messages today which makes me feel very happy. I am now going to walk into Santa Monica with Langford. We might catch a movie. Whatever takes our fancy. What a beautiful, free day. That said, it has been pretty expensive! Oh well. It's my birthday.

Two sides of the coin.

Here I am existing in my last few hours of being 30. I quite enjoyed being 30 but I think 31 will be better. Pretty much as soon as I had turned 30 I injured myself and spent many months in pain. I cricked my neck in whiplash and it seemed that old age was going to cause many issues throughout my body. I felt as though my body was already falling apart-was 30 really so old? Of course I was a little dramatic, but you must understand that previous to that, I had never before suffered any major injury. Now before you conjure up the image of the terrible car accident that caused my whiplash, let me quickly replace it with the true story- which is really boring. Basically I walked outside in Langford's shoes and because they were too big for me, I tripped and stopped myself from falling by flinging my neck back. Yup- that's it. That simple act cost me over $3000 in physiotherapy, acupuncture and some very exciting pain killers. Now, thank god, my neck is mostly fixed, and I only have a few residual issues that pop up from time to time. Like they did last week when I spent too long putting on mascara in a weird position. The massage helped though. I am getting another massage tomorrow. I figure that it is my birthday and I should do lots of nice things to make myself feel wonderful.

Today was an OK day. It had a few proper aspects and lots of silly parts. The proper version of the day is that I got up and drove to a pilates class in Venice and then I re-wrote a draft of the short film I want to shoot with Zara and read a pilot that I should be getting an audition for. I emailed my agents about projects I want to go in on. I also cooked myself stir-fried vegetables and tofu in my new wok. Before cooking in it, I, of course spent 20 minutes seasoning with oil and cooking it off to create a film in the wok before first use. Please note how proper this is. Very proper.

The silly version of the day is that I ate a lot of lollies when no-one was looking, talked on the phone and watched the movie 'Valentine's Day' which I actually thought was pretty good. I moped around and lay on my bed and spent a ridiculous amount of time reading facebook status updates on my newsfeed, as if I would find some semblance of truth or a hint at the meaning of life in people's random observations. Sometimes, I actually do find some cool things in the news stories that people put forward, but mostly it is akin to watching a soap opera. Mindless. Being mindless is actually very good for you. It is helpful and relaxing. But you just can't do it by watching TV forever, you have to be mindless in life. I mean, by quietening your mind so that you can listen to your heart and act from a place of purity. Who knew reality TV could provide such spiritual enlightenment? Well, it doesn't. But it can be helpful for a moment or two because it distracts your brain. I thought Valentine's Day was good for that exact reason.

So anyway, the day is at an end and I must go to sleep. I pray to the universe and ask that my year of being 31 be my most prosperous, successful, creative, joyful and loving year yet.

Fairy Floss, Dumplings and Babies.

Early morning rise and a walk with my beloved Langford. We walked to Starbucks which is a place I never intend to work in. I got a residual check today for $170, so that will keep me in the customer queue and not behind the counter for at least 8.8333 days. I drank a bottle of water and passed on the coffee. Upon arriving home, I searched for wrapping paper and a card for Penny's baby, due in August. I had carefully selected a book for the boy, yesterday, but I had ended up choosing a book with sparkling butterflies on it which, Langford said, was more like something for me, not a boy. I had become enchanted with the positive rhymes and butterflies and suddenly the boy factor had flown out the window. Surely it is good for boys to be exposed to pretty things? Ah well, we will see how Penny's son turns out! After finding the suitable wrapping paper, I then set off to West Hollywood and picked up Penny from her hotel. We dined at the little french cafe and she bought me breakfast which was very kind of her. We ate a delicious paris ham, wild mushroom and gruyere omelette while we talked about all of our relationships and what we have been doing over the past year. She made a documentary which is pretty impressive and I guess, since I saw her last, I had made a film. We really only touched on those subjects though. For the most part we talked about our love lives and how she had got together with the father or her baby and about her previous break-up and about my relationship and how in love with Langford I am and about how Langford and I broke up and got back together. Of course the two hours we spent together disappeared like vapor in the air and then she was out of my life as quickly as she had dropped in. I drove her to the Farmer's Market where we said our goodbyes and then I was off to Thai town to meet Zara.

Zara was determined to teach me the joys of doing a grocery shop in Thai town and it is much cheaper than the supermarkets! A whole package of string beans is only 89 cents! This was wonderful news to me and I packed my basket full of fresh basil and beans and broccoli and freshly cut papaya. We also sampled some of the asian sweets. Unfortunately only one of the three packets we bought was any good. The asian fairy floss wrapped in a rice paper sheet. Such a satisfying treat. When we got back to Zara's house, she made some meat dumplings and I ate 2 as well as sampling her pistachio tarte tatin. I can't tell you how blissful it is to be fed so much delicious home made food. I think Zara and I have both been cooking a lot more lately. I then partook in my bad habit. Watching The Tudors on Showtime. I love that show and find that I easily become obsessed with it. I have always been fascinated with Henry the 8th and his wives. I have read many books about them and watched a bunch of movies about them and I know exactly what is going to happen-however I am still captivated by the story every time! It is strange how a story can do that. It is not always about the surprise or the twist at the end, it is just about the incredible events and how the story is told. That is what makes a story interesting, not the unexpected, but rather, the expected. For then we have the opportunity to closely study the human condition, how people were driven to act as they did and how they felt when they acted. We are no longer distracted by the story. People are interested in studying character and how it defines us. Can we ever really change our character or are we forever trapped in ourselves like Sartre's captives in 'No Exit'? I think the distance that history gives us, allows us greater insight into the realities those people faced. We are able to see it more clearly from far away, because we no longer feel threatened by the actions. I think that is why we can watch films about the holocaust now but couldn't when it was happening or just after the events. The wounds were too fresh for us to look upon and study. Only once they are healed are we able to run or fingers lightly over the scars.

Zara and I then made a whole bunch of steamed gyoza or dumplings. We made some with fresh coriander and mince and some with halibut and onion. They were all delicious and very healthy. Zara's boyfriend Ted and a co-star from her TV show, Edward, joined us. We played around with the video camera and then I helped Zara hang fairy lights in the back garden and ran lines with her for her audition. It was a lovely day and I feel in much better spirits. Miracle class was helpful last night and just what I needed. These are my last days of being 30. Only one more day. Hmmm. I wonder if I will be this way forever? I know that deep down inside me, there is a proper person trying to get out but I just can't locate her at the moment. I shall continue to search and keep you updated on any advancements. Maybe when I turn 31 I will suddenly become proper! Let's see.

I really struggled to get out of bed this morning. You may recall that I have difficulties on Mondays. I think it is because everyone rushes of to work on Mondays and I am never quite sure what to do with myself. I hate to admit my laziness or moroseness here, but it is true that I felt that way and I am trying very hard to be truthful in this blog. Already I feel myself omitting certain things because I know that Langford and my mother are reading this. I know my mother will be close to having a heart attack when she reads that I didn't get out of bed till 10am! I felt down and had to force myself out- its not that bad, surely? Even though I know my father is reading this, I don't feel the need to censor so much for him. Perhaps on financial matters- he is probably shocked at how much I go out to eat etc...but for the most part I don't feel as much need to censor. Anyway, moving on. You will be pleased to know that I finally managed to embrace the day and put my running gear on. I tricked myself into running by telling myself that I only needed to take a walk. I knew that if I felt OK I would just start running and that is exactly what I did! So I ran 5km. I knew I would feel better once those endorphins were rushing around. I had decided to carry $5 in my hand in case I felt like running up to the coffee shop. As I was walking, post run, I realized that I had dropped the $5. I had actually totally forgotten that I was even carrying it. "Oh well", I thought to myself "somebody will feel happy that they find $5 on the road, I don't think I will be able to find it." Still, I kept a look out as I walked back and 10 minutes later- guess what? I found the $5 sitting right at the point where I had finished my run! I've never been so happy to see $5. I couldn't believe that someone else hadn't seen it! I guess in the end, I was the lucky person after all.

Blessing or Disease- do you like cheese?

A very busy day today and quite proper. I went for a run and bumped into my X. Interesting. Found that we were able to have a pretty good conversation without getting emotional or being weird with each other. I felt good about that. I then continued my run up to my favorite coffee shop in Santa Monica. There was an older gentleman standing next to me in the line who was very interested in the details of my run. His name was Paul. He wanted to know how far I ran, how often I ran, whether I have trouble with my knees and what my favorite course was. I asked him if he was also a runner. No. I wondered whether he was interested in more than my running style. He also asked me what type of coffee I order.
"A soy latte." I said.
"Maybe I'll get a soy latte too." He said.
"Do you normally drink soy?" I asked.
"No."
"Well, you can't just change to soy-you won't like it! It is totally different!"
"No, I've had soy once before and you're reminding me to try it again."
I thought that was weird. By the time we got to the till, his much younger girlfriend Christina showed up and probably wondered who the hell I was. I of course had already managed to get in that Langford and I had a coffee machine in order to make clear that I was not on the market. This was unfortunately before Christina's arrival and I didn't find her energy as warm as Paul's. I wondered whether Paul was in the entertainment business. Probably. Most people in Santa Monica are. I then bid them Adieu and walked home with my coffee.

I was all set to eat breakfast when Zara called. An hour and a half later and I was still on the phone and had even used the rest room whilst chatting so that I didn't miss a thing. We talked about all sorts of things. Our relationships, our lives, the meaning of life, etc, etc. Nothing too exciting. We just have a strong attachment to one another. I had to finally get off the phone so I could wash my hair. I just couldn't work out how to do that whilst still talking to Zara.

I shot a short film today. I don't think it will be of any use to me. I really did it as a favor to a friend. The film was pretty basic but I had fun with it. I played an eager entrepreneur who is deluded. I did it for free and because I thought- 'may as well!' It was nice to be filming for a couple of hours. It is always fun to create. The nicest thing was that at the end of the shoot, the director gave me an envelope with $50 in it. What a lovely gesture. He said he had watched my movies and was so grateful that I had helped him out. Nice.

This evening I went to Penny's* baby shower. I hadn't seen Penny in a year. She is a stunning girl and good actress who left LA a year ago and quit acting about 8 months ago and is now pregnant to a very rich guy. How quickly life can change for someone. Just 2 years ago I met her and she was drinking way too much and telling me how she was eating burgers three times a day to save money! She suffered a lot from the constant rejection in acting and before she left, she had become so deluded that she was on the brink of tears all the time and believed herself to be ugly. This is a girl who models and is incredibly beautiful. Now she is wholesome and radiant and pregnant. She looked very happy. There were a couple of strange people there. Girls who have weird personalities. One is an actress who is always talking about how she has "soooooo much money and is working alllllll the time." You can imagine how that goes down with other actors. You could almost hear the fires sizzling at the stake. I don't find her so bad. It seems that she is on better behavior when she talks to me. She thinks I am sort of spiritual or something so I think she is nicer in front of me. Zara does NOT like her and reported back to me the terrible boastful conversation she had with her. I laughed. An actor friend of mine told me I looked wonderful and that I always looked 'ready'.
"Ready for what?" I asked.
"Ready for life!" He said.
I thought that was pretty funny and took it as a great compliment as I ate another prawn. The gathering was lovely. We were all outside and there was a bounty of food and wine. There were actors and documentary film makers, singers and producers. There was also a woman there who looks completely anorexic, is a TV host and claims to have a food disease whereby she can't eat certain foods. Who knows? Zara thinks the girl made it up in order to support her anorexic habits. Maybe she really is allergic to certain foods and can only eat very small amounts. I'm not sure. All I can say is that after all the cheesecake and cheese and lollies I ate, I certainly don't share this disorder.

I am cooking organic spaghetti bolognaise and listening to classical music. It is very relaxing. My tummy feels a little strange though. I have decided to remedy this with a glass of organic red wine. I know what you're thinking- bad choice. But the thing is it seems to be working and anyway its organic. Maybe it just shuts of the pain signals from my brain to my tummy. 'Whatever works', as the saying goes. I had coffee with Melina in Venice Beach. She's the actress I did a film with at the end of last year. Its funny that we're connecting so well right now because we didn't have so many big conversations on set. I don't know why that is. Maybe because we are both foreigners chasing our dream in this city of angels. That gives us a lot in common. I just tasted a piece of pasta. I think I might have put a bit too much salt in the water. Don't tell Langford. Hopefully he won't notice. I was very excited to put in the Maldon Sea Salt that my friend Zara and I had gone hunting for the other day. Potentially overdid it. Nevermind. I'm sure it will just wash off the pasta shells. I've been reading an interesting book today. Illusions. It is filled with stories and I like it a lot. The gist of it is that everything is an illusion and that we create our lives. I would like to create mine as incredibly successful actress making so much money and being so busy that I have no time to write this blog. Although, I do quite like writing this....so maybe I will manage to fit that in post filming.

Que cera cera

Ran this morning at a slower speed than usual and encountered sprinklers that turned on me as I was running. It was quite refreshing, but I was left with wet legs and shorts and really didn't want anyone to think I had peed myself on my run, but there was nothing I could do but grin and bear it. Proper people definitely do not run and pee themselves. Then I came home and washed my hair. I ate one of the successful savory muffins that I made yesterday and had a coffee and then the rest of my day ran away and I have no idea what I did. I must have wandered around a bit and I probably read some books. I think I annoyed Langford for a while and I read the audition breakdowns and then I probably sent some emails to my agents about projects I hope to audition for. I then sent out invites for my birthday party which is next week. Hopefully people will come. I've already got 3 confirmed guests. WOOO! Then Langford and George took me out to lunch to celebrate handing their script in to CAA. We all had a delicious seared tuna salad and a glass of wine. Then I got an email about my visa saying it might take one month for me to get it. This made me stressed because it could mean that I have 2 weeks where I can't work. As Langford pointed out, I haven't worked for 5 months so a month or 2 weeks where I can't work is hardly a big change. I of course erupted with anger. I don't want anything to get in the way of any opportunity I may have! How could he say such a thing? Then we laughed. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter.

It's a Mystery!

I just ate a lot of lollies. I feel a little guilty. I also haven't run for four days. I was eating so healthfully today! Why did I ruin it? For lunch I had roasted vegetables and then made another batch of my savory muffins. This time I was able to put bacon in them because I did not burn the bacon. This is a major accomplishment. Apart from having one too many jubes, I am feeling pretty peaceful today. My muffins turned out well and I just got a residual check from one of my movies in the mail which puts off getting a job at Starbucks for another two months. YAY! I also have been listening to classical music all day and I have to say it calms your mind and lifts your spirits immeasurably. This morning I went to miracle class but for whatever reason it was only me who showed up. Melina and Melinda couldn't make it. They both had auditions. As you can probably guess, most of the people at miracle class are actors. All actors are looking for a miracle. It always seems like lightning in a bottle when you get a job. It is so precious and strange and never seems to make any sense. I haven't heard back yet from my two auditions on Monday. They were both films though, so they usually take longer to get back to you. I had a nice chat with the healer, Jo* anyway. She is really my friend, so instead of doing miracles, we just had coffee and talked. It was really nice to spend time with Jo, as she is such a bright light and a pleasure to be around.

Yesterday I had a massage. My best friend in LA, Zara*, rang me in the afternoon to tell me she had a masseuse coming over to her house. I got in my car straight away. I desperately needed that massage. My neck was killing me. This was because I had spent an absurd amount of time in an awkward position. On the day of my two big auditions, I was shocked to realise that I only had old, clumpy mascara. In order to separate my gluey eyelashes, I employed a technique I had seen Julia Roberts use in the movie 'Charlie Wilson's War'. That's right, I used a pin to poke through my lashes. It is a very dangerous move and I do not recommend you try this at home. Luckily, I did NOT poke my eye out, I did however throw my neck out because I spent about twenty minutes standing with my head cocked back in order to get the appropriate view of my eyelashes. Isn't that ridiculous? What a waste of time! I find that I fall into some kind of trance when I do make-up. It is actually very therapeutic. Unless the make-up is not going on well. Then it is stressful! Anyway, the masseuse told me that Zara's body was stressed, her boyfriend's was relaxed and mine was the most stressed! I was very sad to hear this. He told me I needed a 2 hour massage! Obviously I was not going to fall for his money making gimmick! I did wonder if he might have a point- especially as he had not recommended that to either Zara or her boyfriend. Hmmm... I guess I have been stressed lately, what with the visa and the 'time- off' I'm having in between jobs. Anyone would think that not working would be relaxing, but that is only if you have worked, know you will be working again and are on vacation. I wish I could feel that certain about my future but it is hard when you can never work out the reason why you don't get an acting job and even more weirdly, you can never work out why you did get a job. It's a mystery!

I am now about to meet a friend for a drink. She is someone I met at a drama school in London when I was 16! That is 15 years ago! I had really liked her back in the day, and remember buying her a 7up to help cure her hangover, only to see her regurgitate it. Now, that's friendship! I had actually found it quite instructive at the time because she was 19 and I was 16 and not yet versed in the peaks and troughs of alcohol abuse. I soon became acutely aware of the peaks when I found that no-one checked ID in London. I also became aware of the troughs when I would wake up to a terrible headache and memories of singing in restaurants to bemused patrons. After the drama summer school, I had lost touch with her. Weirdly, we were re-united 12 years later when we were both working on a film in the US. She now works behind the camera. I shall not drink much tonight as I am on a mission to be a proper person. I think just one bottle of wine should suffice.

Fake Sincerity.

Proper people live in the moment. With all my visa worries lately, it has been hard. Everytime I'm enjoying myself, my little brain interrupts me with harsh words.
"Ooooo, don't focus on this happy moment- you have things to worry about! You need to get your visa! Where is it? No-one even knows!! Hahhahh!"
I then say to my evil brain, "SHUT UP! The visa will come through. Focus on this moment."
My brain often tries to freak me out further, determined to destroy my peace. It might say;
"Why are you even getting a visa if you don't have an acting job? So you can work at Starbucks? May as well do that back home in Australia!!"
Then I cry. I'm kidding. I don't cry. I just say;
"Please don't say that!"
Its hard being me sometimes. I know I'm stuck with myself and sometimes I really enjoy my company, but other times I'm a nightmare. I feel like one of the characters in Jean Paul Sartre's No Exit, stuck with my own personality FOREVER. Langford just told me I was annoying too, so there you go. No matter, I know I can also be wonderful....sometimes.

Some good news today-it seems that immigration have located my file and they are finally processing it. Hooray! This makes me feel a lot better. I now know that someone is, at least, paying attention to my case. Before this news, the situation was very depressing. No-one could locate news of my visa file. I started to feel like US immigration represented God and the Universe and that God's file on ME had disappeared into the ether-no wonder I wasn't booking any acting jobs- the universe had forgotten about me! Thank God the universe is looking through my stuff again, I'm sure the universe will find me the perfect acting job soon AND give me my visa. I know that all this talk about God and the universe does not sound 'proper'. It sounds a bit hocus pocus new-agey. Maybe I will have to change my entire belief system to become a proper person! That sounds like a lot of work. I will tackle that subject later. Maybe.

My mother left town today. She was here for 24 hours. She is very busy and doesn't have much time to hang around in LA. She is the busiest person without a job that you will ever meet. I loved having her for one day. Even though she drives me insane! All mothers have this wonderful ability. I think I may have mentioned it before. Last night, I decided to show my mother all of the auditions that I have on my computer. Sometimes, you get a copy of your audition OR have one because you had to put it down on camera yourself. I showed my mum the ones which I thought were the best. She watched intently and then said;
"Did you have any make-up on in this audition?"
"Yes! I have foundation, mascara and blush and lipgloss!"
"I mean eyeliner- do you have any eyeliner on? You need to emphasize your best feature. And your hair looks terrible. When are you going back to blonde?"
The only logical response to this, is the one I gave.
"ARGGGHHHHHHHHH- you are the most annoying person in the world! I didn't miss out on the part because I didn't have enough eyeliner on!"
I then showed her all the more glamorous auditions and pointed out that the more played down I was, the closer I had gotten to a role. I then showed her one where she thought that I looked good but my acting was off.
"You were too earnest and your neck was straining," she helpfully said.
Great. I know she is trying to be helpful but it is hard to take on these kinds of criticisms. I do love my mum and of course her opinion means a lot. Maybe she is right. Next audition, more eyeliner and fake sincerity! As George Burns said:
"The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

Touch of light.

Late to pick up my mother at the airport! I felt guilty. Surely this was not what a proper person would do. Then I couldn't see her at the terminal and had to drive around all of the terminals again. Finally she was spotted. I explained to my mother that locating her was difficult due to her small stature. She probably wasn't happy about that as she is convinced that she is 5ft 2" when everyone knows she's actually only 5ft 1". My mother was convinced that when we moved to Hong Kong in her late 30's, she grew an extra inch. People have explained to her that it is physically impossible but what can I say- the woman is convinced! It reminds me of the time I had a going away party back in Australia. My mother left just as we were serving the food and said she would pick up a couple more bottles of wine from the corner shop. This should have taken 15 minutes. Instead, she was nowhere to be seen for an hour and a half! When she finally returned she had gone from being Caucasian to full blood Aboriginal.
"Where have you been?" I demanded.
"Just to the corner shop," she said.
"You've gone to have a fake tan in the middle of the party!" I said.
"No I haven't"
"Then how come you are a COMPLETELY different color???" I asked.
My mother stared at me and answered with total defiance:
"I have no idea what you are talking about." She then turned and busied herself with the guests, confident in her skin color.

I had a voice over audition in Beverly Hills today. I took my mother along with me. I was in and out in under 10 minutes. I had driven all that way to say two lines for a vodka commercial, in my very best British accent. Hopefully I nailed it. I have no idea though. Then my mother and I wondered over to Barney's. We had a wonderful conversation with the make-up guys. There are so many guys working at make-up counters nowadays! We drank water and they made us up. To be honest, I think I may have looked better before I got to their counter. They always go to heavy with their products and shimmering blue-gray eyeshadow doesn't really work in the daytime. Nevertheless, we were convinced into a purchase. We each got a new YSL touche eclat concealer. Brilliant product. Watch out for me as I swan past you with nary a blemish and shimmering glow!

We then hit the rooftop restaurant I have so often mentioned. We enjoyed a fabulous lunch with Drew Barrymore. Well, not really. She was sitting at the table next to us-but it was still pretty exciting. We saw her drive in and she was full of life and energy and was super friendly to all the staff. She was actually hugging the valet guys! What a cool lady. Definitely a very proper person and super nice.
For lunch, we had a delicious striped bass chopped salad and sat under the olive trees, looking out over this beautiful city. I tried to push visa issues from my mind and be totally present in the luxury of that moment. I was 85% successful. I think that proper people are very present and it is my chief aim to live in the moment. My boyfriend is vigilant with me about focusing on the present. He can sense that my mind has wondered off within seconds of its journey. I stop my mind, let the thought pass, breath and focus on what is right in front of me. It is always so beautiful and I wonder why I had wanted to go anywhere else. It is a joy to be in the present.

Secret Auditions.

Is it proper to drink wine when you blog? Well, you could say it was sophisticated at least-right? I always envied the characters in movies, who poured themselves a nice glass of wine, while they pulled open their laptop to crack a crime case that had remained unsolved for 35 years. I envied them because I wished I could make intelligent deductions and analyze information effectively whilst knocking back a glass of Bordeaux. I would be more likely to fall asleep, so I tend to save the wine till after I've done my homework. And yet, here I am, glass in hand. But this blog isn't exactly rocket science now, is it?

I've had a full and interesting day. This morning I auditioned for a leading role in a top secret studio movie. It was so top secret that they wouldn't provide me with a script, a scene to prepare or even tell me if it was a comedy or a drama! How was I suppose to give them what they wanted if I didn't know what they wanted. Well, it was the perfect lesson and experiment in being myself and expressing my truth because I had absolutely no idea what anyone expected of me. I decided to walk in with an American accent (I have a foreign one), even though I knew I was doing a chat to camera and an improvisation. The third question the casting director asked me was, where I was from. "Damn!" I said to myself, "I was hoping to be able to hide that for a bit longer." I answered and told the truth (I considered lying for a split second). The casting director said he was very impressed with my accent because he had not noticed I was doing one. I was pleased. I then had to talk about weird nightmares I had and what I had done during the morning before the audition. The truth was, that all I had really done, was wash my hair and put make up on for the audition. So I said that, (knowing that it was not very interesting) but I managed to make it into some sort of joke. I then said a little lie and said I had gone for a walk which really I hadn't! I just didn't want to seem like the type of person who just does their hair (which is really, exactly all I did do). Looking back, adding in 'going for a walk' hardly makes me into an intriguing person. Anyway, I then did an improvisation about losing a small child in a mall and managed to get kind of worked up. He seemed impressed and then gave me a scene to read. NOTE: THIS SCENE WAS NOT FROM THE FILM! If they are so top secret that they give out scenes that are not from the film, then surely they could have given them out the day before the audition. None of it could possible leak the story of the film anyway. I asked one girl at the audition if she had had as little to say about her morning as me. "Was your morning answer as boring as mine?" I asked her.
"I'm not sure I did so well," she said." I think I stuffed it up because he didn't give me a scene to read." I assured her that one can't possibly stuff up answering questions about one's own life. I then immediately wondered whether it was indeed possible. I was then called in to do my scene and it went pretty well. He made me do it twice but I really have no idea if it was what they wanted. He seemed pleased though and said it was nice to meet me. I actually believed him.

I then went and met Langford* at Soho house in Los Angeles and we had roast beef sandwiches looking out over West Hollywood. He had just come from an exciting script meeting and so we had much to share and discuss. I then had to run off to the 'Mud' audition. I waited 45 minutes to go in. I saw a friend there. He was actually auditioning for one of the characters made of mud. I was glad to be a witch. I didn't fancy rolling around on the ground and grunting like a pre-historic cave man. The audition was successful! In as much as the feedback in the room was very good. The director said that he loved how I expressed everything in my eyes and that I had obviously understood the script on a very deep level. HA! Sure fooled him! No, to be honest I felt I did get what this witch character was going through. I asked him if he wanted to try it again and he said,
"No, when I push people around, I really am just trying to get them to do something like what you just did. I don't know how it could have been better!" He then got me to sit in the light and they just filmed my face on close-up. They asked me some questions and then I left. In my opinion, that audition went really well.

I then went over to see one of my best friends Zara* who is back from overseas. My god I missed her. Within 5 minutes of being together again, we were off gallivanting around LA on the hunt for Maldon Sea Salt that seems to be available at few locations. We went to three different shops and bought lots of cheese and mousse pate and lollies along the way. We then went back to her house and Zara cooked an amazing roast lamb. We even made our own mint sauce with fresh picked mint from her herb garden. We ate with another actor friend who was in Zara's TV show and Zara's boyfriend. Delicious. To top it off we drank an '05 Bordeaux and ate baked apple pastries. A pretty wonderful finish to the day. And very proper too, I think.

Acai, fairies and pancakes. All the good stuff. And how it got ruined.

Langford* and I walked up the street to a fine breakfast in Santa Monica. We shared eggs and pancakes. We sat next to a bunch of people who didn't talk to each other. We argued. At least we have some fire in our relationship! The other people can't even be bothered to communicate anymore. The subject of our dispute? Whose fault was it that I had poured an acai shot over the pancakes and 'ruined' them. Clearly his. The meal is served with this special juice, surely it is meant to be eaten with it. Langford had protested but I was certain that he just had some weird fear of the exotic brazilian berry. I coaxed him with a taste and when he said it was good, I took the action (prompted by his words) of tossing the remainder of the juice over the pancakes- to which Langford responded: "You've ruined them!" We then asked the waiter and manager who was right, but they said some people drink it and some pour it over. They even said one lady drinks the maple syrup shot straight up and pours the acai over her pancakes. Weird. Obviously this woman was from Canada and is in no way an example of a proper person.

Langford and I continued our bickering later in the day. I had been relegated, once again, to the upstairs bedroom, whilst Langford worked with his writing partner George* in the glimmering sunlight of the lounge room. I sat at the small desk I have in the corner of our bedroom and worked on my film audition for tomorrow. Yes, the one about mud. Interesting stuff, my friends. Interesting as in difficult to make sense of. In my frustration to conquer the scene, I then decided I wanted to make my space more comfortable. Perhaps this would help get the creative juices flowing. I did this by retrieving from my bottom drawer, a piece of string with crystals and fairies hanging from it. I then, excitedly, hung it from the door to the window, so that the fairies could hover above my desk as I worked! What an innovative idea. I was so pleased. Until...Langford came upstairs and declared he refused to have fairies in his bedroom! This was depressing news. I argued with him. Surely I can have one silly thing. Apparently not. No Acai, no fairies. What next? Soon I'll have little space for my barbie doll collection and my magic books. Just kidding. I do not have barbie dolls. That would be childish. Fairies probably shouldn't be on the list of items owned by proper people, but I think each person should be allowed one little vice. Fairies as a vice. Hmmm. Does that qualify? Maybe they could allow me just one more.

You say Melinda and I say Melina....

I beat myself by 15 seconds today on my run. Pretty exciting stuff. The main reason I was able to do this, was because of a girl of very similar physique to me who was running just behind me. I was determined to stay ahead and every time I heard her footsteps catching up, I plunged ahead with longer steps, even though it was sort of killing me. In the end I won! I won! But no-one cared. At least I can document it here. I just finished watching the documentary 'Flight from Death'. One concept it looks at, is our determination to be better or more successful than others. The idea is that if you can achieve this, you feel superhuman whilst everyone else around you exists as mere mortals. I suppose that running my fastest time ever did give me that superhuman glow. The documentary also talked about how we are more likely to react with violence and hatred when confronted with people of differing religion or race, if we have been reminded of our own mortality. We quickly label the person as 'other', seeing their differing world view as a threat to our social identity. If they are right and their ideology wins, then they have essentially 'killed' me by 'killing' my ideology. If death is not on our minds, we are more likely to accept and co-habit. I like to think I'm pretty accepting of other races and religions and political views but I still feel threatened if I think of my country being taken over by the Russians and forcing us all to speak Russian. But really, what does it matter what language we speak or what religion we are? One is not better than the other, they are just different expressions of culture that have been successful in different areas of the world. Whose to say I wouldn't be happy speaking Chinese or Russian. Dos Vedanya English!

I worked on my audition today and re-read half the script. It is a pretty weird script. I would say it was highly imaginative but I'm not sure if it is particularly good. There is very little dialogue and some of the main characters don't speak. In fact most of them are made out of mud. I'm not sure who is going to see this movie, but in the end I can only focus on doing a good audition. The rest is up to the Gods - oh, and the large proportion of American movie goers in the mid-west.

I also had a cup of tea with a friend of mine Ben*. Ben is a very senior casting person at one of the major television networks and is one of my favorite people in LA. I hadn't seen him in a long time, mainly because he was feeling a little down and had holed himself up in his apartment for 5 weeks. I was glad he was finally out. We had a nice catch-up and talked about the TV shows that were getting picked up, auditions and our personal lives. Then we wondered the streets for far too long because I couldn't remember where I parked my car. Negative 25 points for not being a proper person.

I also had a cup of coffee with an actress who I did a movie with last year, Melina*. Melina and I met at Urth cafe in West Hollywood and began our catch up in the line. I sensed her great relief when she found out I had not booked an acting role recently. She was in the same boat. It's so weird how actors treat their friendships with other actors. I guess it goes back to the death documentary- that if someone is doing better than you it confronts you with your own mortality. Sensing our kindred connection, that can only be born out of two out of work actresses drinking soy cappuccinos, she opened up more than ever before and I really enjoyed our chat. She is incredible beautiful and talented so I guess it makes me feel relieved to know that even the good people aren't always getting jobs. She might come along to miracle class on Thursday. Are actors a cliche or what?

I then spoke to my friend Melinda*. (These actresses names are so similar that Langford was confused when I spoke of them.) Melinda lamented the quiet time we are all experiencing and was off to work at a private function as a waitress. I also mentioned the miracle class to her and she said she wanted to come too! So I may be showing up on Thursday with Melina and Melinda. Let's see how committed they are and whether they really come!

I finished up by cooking a delicious chicken curry with organic chicken. I think I ate too much. I feel very full. I think I'll give myself the 25 points back towards being a proper person because I made a home-cooked meal. I also cleaned the house today and re-arranged the flowers and lit candles. Pretty proper. Don't you agree? If you don't think that is good enough- well, you say Melina and I say Melinda! Let's agree to disagree.

All are from the dust, and to dust all return - Ecclesiastes 3:20

Just back from sushi with Langford* and my actor friend Steve*. We ate sashimi and soft shell crab as we discussed the meaning of life. Langford's current view is that there is no point to life, but that a life can have meaning. I find that view point slightly depressing. I want life to have a point. I said that I believed there was something more, something greater than me and that there was a higher purpose. I like the idea that we are all connected and that we should strive to better the entire world and all people. Langford scoffed at me for saying this, pointing out my lack of charity work in the soup kitchen. (It did make me wonder if I should be volunteering more). I said I was talking more from an emotional standpoint. The simple belief that all energy is connected and therefore connects us to all other living beings. This is the great energy force that some people call God. We are all part of it and it is everlasting. Therefore if we make any improvement in ourselves, we are in fact improving the entire human species and all life. Steve told us about two documentaries to watch, 'Jesus Camp' and 'The Flight from Death'. These films could help shed some light on our quest to discover the true nature of life. Steve has been searching and reading a lot of books on the subject. We didn't know his personal philosophies until tonight so it was refreshing and invigorating to hear them. To top off a charged and interesting discussion, Steve just found out that his TV show got picked up. He was feeling pretty happy knowing that he would be earning money, so he bought us dinner.

I have two very exciting meetings/auditions on Monday that I got sent just after I was tearing my hair out at the lack of job opportunities. WHAT A RELIEF. Maybe these could be the jobs I get!

I have more to say but it is so late and I feel tired. I want to tell you about drinking too much last night with my actor friend Tom*. And the cab journey home with a magical religious man. And leaving my car out in West Hollywood. And clanging around in the kitchen looking for toast at 1am to try to soak up the alcohol. And smoking cigarettes that I really shouldn't have done. And forcing Langford to drive me there this morning before his important meeting. And being dropped on Santa Monica Blvd to walk because Langford was running late. And reading lines for my actor friend Tim*. And seeing the father of another actor friend at the coffee shop and hugging him. And getting a facial. And reading a very imaginative weird film script. And cooking lunch. And preparing an audition scene. But, I just don't think it would be appropriate. And I'm really not sure it makes me look like a proper person.

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.- Oscar Wilde

Sometimes it feels difficult being a person. I really believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and that is why we sometimes have those strange thoughts; "it's so hard being me!" We strive to be 'true' to 'ourselves', but of course we are always ourselves. We are trapped in these bodies and bound by our personalities. We cannot be someone else. The reason we have the sensation that we want to be 'more' ourselves is because we sense that there is another 'truer' version of us lurking inside. Perhaps it is the true spirit that is trapped inside the human being. The spirit existing in the duality of humanism.

I'm afraid to be myself sometimes. I worry about what people will think. I want to please them and second guess what they want from me. Other times I feel very comfortable and free to express myself. I guess this is a duality we all feel. Isadora Duncan, who was an incredible dancer, spoke of these two versions of ourselves: "You were once wild here - don't let them tame you". I saw this quote on a silver bracelet today in a shop on Abbot Kinney in Venice and it excited me. It is a perfect quote for creative types and for all people. We all want to stand firm and proud when we express ourselves. There should be no need to apologize for our presence and no need to alter ourselves. Yet, when fear kicks in, second-guessing is a knee jerk reaction.

This morning I was struggling. I have some visa issues and am waiting on my greencard. Yesterday, I still had not heard anything and it seemed that my case had been delayed. Then I got an email from my lawyer saying I may have to apply for another type of visa! I panicked, but I tried hard to calm my mind and keep a positive outlook. I asked the universe to 'heal my perception of this', taking time to practice some of the principles from 'The Course in Miracles'. It may sound silly but I found it to be helpful. It did help create a more peaceful state and stopped me from spinning into fear.

I was grateful that the miracle class was on this morning, as I hoped the meditation and discussion would help clear my residual fears. Sure enough, it did and I felt much better. I maintained a positive outlook and took myself out for a slice of pizza in Venice and bumped into a producer friend. He sat with me while I ate my pizza and talked with me about his movie projects as I sat listening and eating. He probably saw the pieces of chicken continually getting stuck in my teeth as I attempted to delicately consume the pizza, but made no comment. Do proper people have this problem? I don't think so! Maybe they just don't eat pizza. He said I looked great and asked me if I had lost weight. I immediately felt guilty for eating the pizza- maybe if I eat it I won't look great anymore. Then I wondered if I had actually lost weight. People always say that to me when they haven't seen me for a while and I think its because they just forget that I am small. It's impossible for me to have just been continually losing weight for the past 10 years. I would be a pin now and I am not. Yesterday a lady asked me which school I went to. I said "I'm 30!" I guess I should feel happy but in Hollywood I'm always getting told I'm too old for a part so I guess the movies have different standards.

After pizza, I wandered into the mystical bookstore. I read a little of 'The Biology of Belief'. A very interesting book, written by a scientist, about how cells and DNA do not control our biology; that instead DNA is controlled by signals from the environment outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts. I kept my mind full of positivity and finally the lawyer called saying that she was sure I would get my green card as the main part had been approved. The second part was being held up but it was no great cause for concern. I felt hugely better and wandered if my positive thinking had helped. Maybe it was just the fact that I enjoyed eating pizza in the sunshine, or maybe the outcome was always going to be that way with or without my thoughts. But, "those who don't believe in the magic will never find it" - anonymous. And I'm a believer.

Run, food, shop. Shop, shop, food.

Fastest time ever on my run this morning. Woke up, meditated, stretched and ran. If we took a snapshot of my morning activities and averaged it out over my life, I'm sure I would be declared a proper person. That is if running you personal best time qualifies. On second thoughts, it probably doesn't. Surely they'd need a lot more than speedy distance running. They'd need emotional accomplishments, career accomplishments, financial accomplishments- gee, I'm getting tired already. Oh dear, stamina probably counts too... I'm not sure I'm ever going to make it into being a proper person. Will I give up? No, never.

I picked up my Aunt and her boyfriend and took them to Soho house for a late breakfast. We sat on the top floor and looked out at views across the entire Los Angeles City. We drank coffee from a silver pot and spotted Melanie Griffith at the bar. She looked really hot! Then I took them to Beverly Hills and along Rodeo drive where we frequented many designer shops, stocked with ridiculously priced goods. A singlet for $2000? No thank you! Well, not if I'm paying- I am partial to accepting ridiculously priced gifts. I wonder who the people are who buy everything they own from Prada. Oh-I just remember I met one once. He was a TV director friend of a friend. I complimented his sweater and he said "Its Prada-I try to only wear Prada." He said this, as if it was totally normal! That was the funny part.

Although we snubbed the designer shops, my Aunt and I did end up purchasing a few goodies at the lower price range shops. Who can tell the difference? We also hit Santa Monica and strolled past a classical violinist while sipping our soy chai lattes. We've become LA prototypes! Shopping and holding Starbucks in our hands. I guess this could look proper from the outside but I feel guilty that all I have done all day is indulge my senses. I guess I've done a lot of walking but ultimately I have had fabulous, quality time with my Aunty. I can't feel bad about that because time with people you love is the most important thing in the world ( OK, OK, I admit I may be using this as a mask for hedonistic days ). We finished the evening with a glass of champagne and a plate of vegetables for dinner ( she's vegan ). I always found it weird that my Aunt could enjoy a mushroom for dinner and go on and on about how delicious it was. I would think- seriously? Its a mushroom. How can it be interesting when all you eat is asparagus and mushrooms? But, as my Aunt moaned over how delicious her vegetables were, I could join in, because I had decided to be vegan for the night too. And guess what? It was pretty delicious. Sometimes the simple things in life, really are the best.

Henry* was back in town. You may recall him as being my old friend who I met when I was 12 in Asia and have since seen every 5 years in different countries. Its always a random connection. I woke up early to go and meet him down at the beach by his hotel and grab a bite to eat. We went to a great coffee shop called Cora's. I used to frequent it, but haven't been for nearly a year. It was great to see all the staff. Particularly one guy, Scottie*, who always makes me smile and is so full of happiness, it makes your heart burst. I ate a burrata caprese omelet and shared a berry banana power smoothie with Henry. He had been for a run before our meeting! Obviously he is more of a proper person than me. I was struggling to make the 7.30am wake up. Henry had been up to Napa and San Francisco the weekend before and seemed to have had the most wonderful time. He was on his way back to Tokyo, where he lived, and about to embark on a new job. I was still in LA where I lived and about to embark on the journey of 'how to get a job'. AGAIN. I'm lucky that I have such great friends who take me out for breakfast. I asked Scottie if he was still working at the more upmarket version of Cora's and he said he was.
"Is it full of celebrities?" I asked him.
"Oh, yes" he said. "All the time... But you are a celebrity! We've seen your films." "Hmm, not really", I said.
At the end of breakfast, Scottie and some of the other staff wanted to take pictures with me. Henry* was running late so we had to be quick. I thought all of this was pretty funny. They probably wanted to commemorate the fact that it was a year since my last visit. Maybe I was a proper person after all, or at least able to pull the wool over some people's eyes. I've always liked Abraham Lincoln's quote; "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."

Yesterday, after eating lunch with them, I took my Aunt and her boyfriend around the fabulous Getty Villa museum in Malibu. What an amazing building. We spent a few hours looking at artifacts. Jewellery and pottery and even dead bodies. It is funny what we decide to put behind glass and admire. I love thinking about the person who made the object and the fact that this item has survived them. The civility the Roman and Greek cultures had, astounds me. Their workmanship is of the highest quality and they had such an appreciation for beauty. I'm not sure if that same appreciation is cultivated here. There are too many plastic things and not enough 'one off' items.

I finished off my day at miracle class. Pretty lovely day really.

Room to breath

Monday mornings are always a little weird for me. I often feel down on a Monday because I realize I have a responsibility to create my week and that I don't have an acting job to go to! The first thing I do to tackle this feeling is to go for a run. Even if I really would rather have a cup of coffee, I know that I will feel happier if I make my body sweat and strain and pant for half an hour- I mean who wouldn't be happy when that was over? Then I feel proud of myself. Like I have accomplished something. Even if it is just running to the Santa Monica Pier and back again and I still end up in exactly the same place. I guess I feel in a slightly different emotional place. So I'm feeling a lot better now and I am sitting in my sweaty running clothes. Bliss!

Last night, I dined at the beautiful Shutters Hotel with my beloved Langford* and my Aunt and her boyfriend. We drank champagne and red wine and I ate a delicious grilled salmon whilst overlooking Santa Monica beach. Earlier in the day I had gone for a run on that same beach but could barely finish it. I was really struggling for some reason. I was glad to bump into an actor friend and cut it short by 5 minutes. Could it have been the old fashioned cocktails I had consumed the night before in a French bar? Maybe.

Saturday night had been particularly interesting. I convinced Langford to come out with me to meet up with my spiritual healer Jo* (and leader of the miracle class) and her fiancee. They were celebrating a friend's birthday and had invited me along. When we arrived we met Jo's father who was visiting from out of state. It ended up that we spoke to Jo and her father for most of the night. We discussed the meaning of love, pre-determinism, the concept of fate, whether a change in perspective actually alters the physical reality of situations and our favorite books. I loved Jo's father's description of what love meant to him. It was something along the lines of 'no judgment for the person in front of me, giving them my full acceptance and understanding'. My eyes were brimming with tears and my, at times misanthropic, Langford responded with;
"Well, what would you do with Hitler?"
He likes to bring that up. Just when I think I'm winning an argument, Langford will say "well, could you apply that to the holocaust?" In fact, in this case, it was a good point and Jo's father took it. He wasn't sure what he would have done had he been in charge of the world and responsible for punishing Adolf himself. Could he give him love and acceptance? SHOULD he give him love and acceptance? Moral compasses waiver in the face of such evil. At the end of the night, Jo's father said that meeting Langford and me was the highlight of his trip. He told us we were wonderful. It brought tears to my eyes. Despite the cocktails, we had had such a meaningful and interesting conversation.

We had also discussed whether we really have free will. Langford's argument is that you will only ever make the choice you make because of your upbringing and experience and type of person you are. You would never make a different choice to the one you took. Jo discussed changing the way you view a situation and how that can ultimately make a situation change. She suggests it is in our power to see things differently and therefore to make different choices. I continued this discussion with a casting director friend I met for coffee yesterday. We went to the ultra hip 'intelligentsia' coffee shop on abbot kinney in Venice. While we sat on the cool but uncomfortable concrete seating, she said that perhaps you make choices based on how well you know yourself. That you may live for a time, in only one half of who you really are and therefore only see a thin slice of the choices and opportunities available to you. If you are able to clear yourself and learn from your experiences, you open yourself up to wider possibilities and you have more options available and you may make different choices because you are know choosing from a truer perspective. I like this concept. It is similar to what I believe.

I think we all have a core, true self that never alters and along this core are little doors. Some doors are opened and some closed. The formation and shape of these doors represent our personality. As we go through life our experiences open and close different doors for us, therefore slightly altering our personalities and perspective. Despite a vast array of experiences, we can only ever alter so much based on the doors we have. Whether they are opened or closed, the core 'true self' never alters. My aim is to open as many doors as possible so that my true self has plenty of room to breath.

Lackadaisical Casanovas

I definitely woke up too late today to be considered a proper person. I know my mother would not be happy about it. But I did wake up feeling rather glorious, basking in the sunlight, with the residue of champagne doing its final rounds of my circulatory system. Last night, I celebrated my beloved Langford*'s script win by ordering in Thai take-out and cracking the bottle of Moet we had in the fridge. We put on Heath Ledger's 'Casanova' and delighted in its frivolity. I felt sad watching Heath because I knew him a little. He was so talented and to see him in all his glory in the film just reminded me of what a great actor he really was. He had achieved so much at such a young age and then he sabotaged his success and it was all destroyed. What a waste. The film is directed with just the right lightness of touch. Beautiful performances from everyone and such a fun script. I feel like they haven't been making movies like this lately. There have been too many superhero movies to allow for this kind of farcical romantic comedy. It reminded me of the classic 'The Princess Bride'.

When I finally got out of bed, I read the paper and toasted one of my homemade muffins, spreading butter all over it. Delicious. Then I got ready for acting class. I performed a comedy scene. Nobody laughed. AND MOVING ON. Actually, when you fall flat on your face you have to just get up again. So, I tried it again. People laughed a lot more. Other people came up to me and said I did a great job and the teacher also complimented the first read-through. But I don't understand how it could have been good if it was a comedy and nobody laughed. Perhaps they were all laughing inside. I don't get it. I wanted to talk to the teacher about this. People have always said I was funny and my first break was in a comedic role in a TV series. However, at the moment, it seems as though I'm just not funny anymore. Could this be the case? Maybe someone removed my funny bone in my sleep? Maybe I've been trying too hard to be serious and proper? Maybe everyone was lying when they said I was funny! Who knows. I had to get to the bottom of this! I asked the teacher a little about why it was funnier the second time and he pretty much just walked off! What kind of behavior is that?? Do I stink or something? I decided to try again. I followed him and told him a little more about my experience and asked him some questions. He looked very disinterested and answered very briskly and then tried to strike up a conversation with a male student. 'Why is he ignoring me?' I said to myself. Hmmmm, the teacher is gay and maybe he fancied the male actor or knew him really well or something. OR MAYBE he found me really annoying! Could it be true? I guess so. The thing is, this was the first time I'd really talked to him properly so it seems unlikely. I had planned to stay to watch the rest of the actor's perform but in view of this recent snub I decided to move on with my day. I don't need this! Since I was in Hollywood, I rang a few friends who lived nearby but no-one was around. Is everyone rejecting me today? What's going on?

Finally I got in touch with Mike*. Mike is an ex who has become a great friend of mine. He is an actor/musician who works at a hotel restaurant. I met him there for a quick hello. I sat in the sun and had a glass of fresh lemonade. Mike arrived with a full beard, in preparation for his next acting role. We discussed our recent auditions, recent star spottings and our future aspirations. That was about all we had time for. I then went to whole foods to stock up on food, flowers and toilet paper- we really needed some. When I got home it turns out Langford had already bought toilet paper too. Great. Now we really are stocked up. I also went kind of crazy in the food dept and we have an overflowing fridge now. I'm secretly hoping that there is a big storm tomorrow that lasts for two days, just so we can feel pleased about how stocked up on food and toilet paper we are. Wouldn't that be great? I sign off here having discussed the joys of having a cupboard full of toilet paper. I think it has become painfully obvious that my day has not been that exciting. Oh well, I guess tomorrow can only be an improvement. Onwards!

Double Trouble or Doubly Good!

What an auspicious day. The first thing that happened this morning was that my beloved won a screenwriting competition! I admire his work and am pleased that it has been validated by some proper people. I took this as a sign that today was to be a great day. I then ate one of my delicious home-made muffins for breakfast and had a black coffee. I brushed my hair and made myself up for my audition. Then I drove up the road to pick up my acting partner Tim* because I was going to be self-testing for this audition. I rang him to come outside but he didn't answer. I rang again. And again. Where the hell is he? I'd booked a studio and had a time slot. I began to get concerned. How well did I really know this guy? Is he reliable? Perhaps he was lying drunk on his bathroom floor? Thoughts of his death and degradation ran through my mind at an alarming speed. I thought about ringing a mutual friend and asking him the status of Tim's current mental state. I have a terrible sense of direction and wasn't even sure if I was at the right place (even though I'd been there before). Then I found my way to his supposed apartment and knocked on the door.
'Come in,' he hollered.
'We're just rehearsing.'
Low and behold he was there with our mutual friend Steve*. They were working hard on Steve's audition scene. So he was a trustworthy professional actor and good person. NOT an unreliable drunk. Good.

The audition was successful. I played a character with a double personality- so it was a thrill. I was pleased with it and Tim was very helpful and a great reader. It has now been sent to my agents, so I will let you know the response. I was thankful to Tim for reading and also sitting through the painful playback process, where I watched back every take and selected the best ones. I decided to take him for lunch to say thank you.

We ate at a little French cafe in LA that I love. It's on 3rd st. They didn't have a table straight away so we sat at the bar. Suddenly a beautiful girl turned to us and, with an Australian accent, said "Are you Australian? I just heard the accent." I thought she looked familiar but couldn't put my finger on it.
"Yes, we are. We're both actors." I said.
Then we had a little conversation about LA life and she said she was out here filming a music video. It then dawned on me that we were having a conversation with none other than pop-sensation Kylie Minogue! If you don't know who she is, then you will never understand the excitement I felt.
"Kylie, I'm such a fan! I first went to your concert when I was 8 years old in Hong Kong on my birthday in May!"
"Ahhh- I'm a Gemini too- double personality!" She laughed.
I was so excited because of course I already knew this- but now Kylie knew this too! Perhaps we could become best friends? Probably not. She looked so young that I could not believe it was her. She looked younger than me and I look young for my age! She was so beautiful and friendly and normal. She introduced us to her friend and then she then said goodbye and sauntered off into her big, black, shiny car.

Later at lunch we discussed if we had stuffed up the meeting in any way. Could we have been more friendly? Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned I knew who she was. Could she have been looking for playmates? Was there any likelihood that if things had gone differently, we would have also been getting into that shiny car? No, we decided. She was probably just being genuinely friendly. Gosh, she was lovely. I couldn't get her out of my head. Tim was telling me a story about his early acting career when suddenly he looked at me and said "why are you looking at me like that?" I shook myself out of my daze and said,
"I'm sorry-how was I looking at you? I was just thinking about Kylie! I know I should have been paying attention to your story, but really, from the ages of 8 to 10 all I did was dance the locomotion. It was HUGE meeting her."
He understood. It's not every day you get to meet your childhood idol. And now she knew I was a Gemini too. Doubly good! Today was also the day my best friend got married in Australia. Such a very good day!


*Not his real name.

Don't eat soap!

At 6.45 am, I was doing what most proper people do. That's right, I was at the supermarket, purchasing ingredients for my second attempt at baking savory muffins. I scurried home, taking care not to wake my beloved, and began re-cooking the bacon. I was on a limited time schedule, so, as soon as I had flipped the bacon, I began grating the zucchini. I had my back turned for less than a second when the fire alarm started and I had smoked up the kitchen with burnt bacon. How did this happen? Do I have some kind of muffin curse on me?? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BRING MUFFINS TO MIRACLE CLASS! At this rate it will be a bloody miracle if I can make one measly muffin!

I threw the pan with black bacon onto the porch. Deal with that one in a minute. I scramble search the fridge knowing there is no more bacon- but oooh- lucky- there is turkey bacon! SCORE! Oh no... it's off. Think. Think....these will have to be vegetarian muffins! Quickly throw in the new yoghurt I just bought. Should I taste it? Nahhh. It will be fine. Blend, blend, mix, mix. Into the oven. Put away the yogurt
- wait a second - I thought I bought PLAIN yogurt-NOT VANILLA! Oh no! Does vanilla go with zucchini? I don't know these things. Do proper people just know this stuff? The reason my first batch of muffins failed was that I had put baking soda instead of baking powder. That's why they tasted like soap, apparently. But how was I to know these were such vastly different substances? Did I miss an important home ec lesson? Probably. I was most likely at the back of class telling my latest story to a captive audience. Captive as in they couldn't get out of the classroom.

The muffins turned out well. People ate a second one- PROOF! I loved miracle class. We philosophized, shared stories and meditated. Brilliant. Afterwards,I was trying to apply the course in miracles to my damaged car. 'Please heal my perception of this,' I told the universe. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed harder. When I squinted them open - guess what? My car STILL had dents and scrapes all over it. I will have to work harder at this miracle course. So, I decided to take my injured car to a body shop for an estimate. I asked the universe to lead me to a very cheap body shop who will give me a great price that is much less than I imagine. So I find this place and the guy gives me a quote that is $3000 less than I imagined! How good is THAT? I write it down and take my car to the car wash. It's good to put soap on your car. Then I take myself to the hairdressers. I end up with a clean car and nicer hair so I feel good. N.B. Soap is good for cars and hair - but NOT for muffins!

I spent the late afternoon working hard on my audition. I am doing it tomorrow - wish me luck. I then had a coffee with two male actor friends. One of them wasn't wearing any shoes. That's weird-isn't it? We are not on the Venice boardwalk. Anyway, it was nice. I feel quite proper today, even if the people I hang out with dress like vagabonds. I think I've accomplished quite a bit. Even if the baking did take two attempts- my determination paid off. I now know how to make good muffins that do not taste like soap. What an achievement.

Dreamy muffins and other things.

I've got muffins in the oven and dreams in the pipeline. I can now just sit here and wait for the dough to rise. Have I prepared sufficiently to warrant this laid back attitude? Well, regarding the muffins; we will find out in 10 minutes. The dream's success may be a little harder to judge and the pipeline more difficult to locate. It exists merely in my mind. I've always liked the thought that successful people are people who have a dream and they work on their dreams until they hold them in their hands. I just checked on the muffins and they look good. I shall have them in my hands any second. I have never made this recipe before so it will be interesting to see if they taste as good as they look. The deception of dreams is a reality I intend to take seriously. I want my success to be of a certain quality. I have no aspirations to become a daytime soap star or a reality TV star. That is why I have made organic muffins. Carefully selecting each of the ingredients; even down to organic bacon. Unfortunately, they could still taste like s@*t.

I spent today working on an audition for a feature script I love. It is for a leading role and it is a dynamic female protagonist. So many men write two dimensional roles for women, so it is exciting to see a character practically breathing on the page. (That is one of the reasons we need more female writers.) I rehearsed by myself for a couple of hours and then went to a friends house and rehearsed with him. We finished by eating chocolate biscuits, in order to erase any good my morning run had done. In the midst of conversation, my manager called and so I never got to say goodbye to my friend. I simply walked out, motioning with my hand and mouthing "thank you- I will call you!", whilst simultaneously discussing my career on the phone. Other actors understand this. No matter WHAT you are doing- if you're agent or manager calls, it takes precedence. My old agent told me his clients would take his calls when they were in the movie theater or hyperventilating on their daily run, in the bath and even having sex! I have been guilty of at least two of the aforementioned. Sorry. Not the sex one!

I am baking the muffins for tomorrow's miracle class. I think baking is definitely something proper people do, so I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself. They better turn out OK though. I kind of mix and matched the recipes. Hmmmm.... Anyway, I hope they are well received. Both the muffins and my dreams.

UH-OH! I just tasted the muffins- and they don't taste very good!!

Buicks do it.

In my determination to be a proper person, I rose at at the crack of dawn. I'd had some weird dreams about war atrocities in Iraq and noted them in my book. I don't know what they meant. Perhaps they had something to do with coming third in the quiz night, last night. I stretched and did some yoga and was running by 7.15am. Good work!

As I run, I see the familiar faces of early-risers. Do you ever notice the same people on your runs? I do. It's pretty weird that I see the same old man walking, every single time I run. I run at all different times of the morning and I always see him. I might run at 6.30am or 10.30am and he will be there. What is he doing? Does he walk back and forth for 4 hours straight? That is the only logical reason I have come up with. The other theory I have, is that he and I are 'synced'. Perhaps certain people have the exact type of biological clock as you do. They wake up at the same time as you do, every day. I wonder if he has ever thought this? Maybe I should ask him, but its taken me three years just to start saying good morning to him. He's not particularly friendly. He always looks like he's in a bit of a grump, so I was pretty scared to even say hello. Now he sometimes says it back. I don't think I like him all that much, but I figure I should try to. Especially if we have some sort of cosmic linking system!

I got back to the house and brewed myself a fresh coffee in the Nespresso machine my boyfriend had, so lovingly, purchased. Delicious. I drank eagerly, as I wrote in detail my horrific dreams. 'I'm glad I'm not asleep any more! I shall try to understand this nightmares at a later date', I told myself. Right now there are more pressing issues! I then thanked the universe for all that was good in my world and got ready for my audition. I washed and blow - dried my hair, shaved my legs, cleansed and made up my face and dressed according to the casting brief; in an upscale manner. I ate a delicious vegetable omelet made by my boyfriend and re-printed my resume. I was in West Hollywood at 10.15am. Gosh it's difficult just being a person! There is so much one needs to to! And, I don't even know if this is being a PROPER person. Imagine the work needed for that!

Buick car commercial audition. I wasn't nervous. It's only a commercial after all, and for a Buick at that- not really a vehicle for an Oscar winning performance. I followed the enchanting and creatively exciting direction: Walk, in an upscale manner, towards the car. Open the trunk, put a bag inside and then lovingly close the door and move to the front of the car. Pick up some files (pretending that they are also a bag) and then be interrupted by the casting director who will improvise a scene with you.
Sounds pretty easy right? Hey- even a monkey could do this! Well... maybe not the talking part at the end. So, I carry out the action and I think I'm doing pretty well. The Casting Director then starts the improv:
"Hey- great to see you!"
"You too! Did you have fun at the party last night?" ( NIIICE improv from me. Tick.)
"Yeah- it was great. Had a blast."
"Did you end up hooking up with that girl?" (Hmmm- a bit weird. Sexual connotation. Cross.)
"Yeah-there was definitely a hook up." He turns off the camera. "Cut. Great. Thanks"
"Perhaps stories of hooking up don't set the right tone for this commercial!" I giggle.
No response.
Then, a voice from a speaker in the room starts talking to me- using MY name and suggests to the casting director that I pull my hair back. I wonder where this voice is coming from- who can see me? Who ARE they??? Perhaps it's the guy I see on my runs- following me again!
I answer with a smile, looking around the room and do as they request. I do the scene again. I am even MORE upscale now. Then at the end I improv again, taking care not to bring up any 'hot' topics. The casting director starts the improv:
"Hey, great meal last night!"
"Oh, thanks. It was my mother's recipe." ( GREAT personalization)
"Nice. I loved it."
"I always wonder if mine is as good- you see, her's was so great and I just HOPE mine was OK." (WEIRD- I'm meant to be confident. I think I came off a little doubting in my cooking abilities AND I was talking WAY too much.)
CUT.
Callbacks started at 2. It is now 3......hmmm. DAMN! Wait- stop! I shall not lament the loss of a role in a TV commercial because I am preparing an audition for a lead role in a film AND THIS IS AN EXCITING ONE! I just finished re-reading the script. Wonderful writing. I shall be a proper person and continue working hard today. Even without the Buick, I can do it.

The Wheel of Fortune.

People in LA, by and large, I'm pretty sure, are not proper people. For a start, a lot of them don't have proper noses, proper lips or even proper teeth! With the increase in plastic surgery in LA, men and women with ridiculously beaming white smiles and taught faces are more common than Starbucks. Personality-wise, they can also be a little odd.

Take El Matador Beach, for example. Yesterday, my love and I drove out to Malibu. We took a walk along the picturesque Malibu beach and walked by a colorful array of photo shoots. It was like being in some sort of fantasy movie, although the type of fantasy movie ranged from General to 'R' rated. Pocahontas sat on a rock at sea - her long feather headdress catching the sinking rays of the sun. A purple princess posed on the rock opposite. A bejeweled mermaid-type spun in the wind, her wings of golden silk flying around her. A dizzy photographer tried to capture the moment. Pretty nice so far, right? We walked further down past a (there's no other way to say it) very fat couple, clinging together and teetering on the point of a rock, like a pair of elephants gracefully dancing in the wind. They were closely shadowed by a photographer who looked like she was struggling to get a good photo. We continued walking and saw a photographer directing a topless women in jeans with the fly unzipped and pulled open, fully made up, leaning on a rock beneath a buff, clean shaven topless man. This was beautifully juxtapositioned by a coy bride and groom, commemorating their special day. This was the perfect place for love, of all sorts.

When I got home I was in a good mood. Then, I got frustrated when I spoke to my mother. I didn't start out that way but I quickly noticed my sense of well being flying out the window as my mother tried to give me advice on my career. I know she means well. She really does, and I couldn't be where I am without her. She only wants me to be a proper person and a successful actress. It's not much to ask. And she is doing nothing wrong-it's just that it winds me up! It is so difficult to be told 'a big film is being made'. Right. Great. How should I process this information? Doesn't she she know that I read about films being made every day in the trade papers? Is it fully financed- are they casting yet? Is it cast of Indigenous people? I love my mother so much but every one knows that mothers can press your buttons. Even my mother had her buttons pushed by her mother! It's just the way it works.

It reminds me of the time my grandmother had carefully cut an article from the paper and mailed it to me with an attached letter. She excitedly wrote that she was sending me an advertisement for a job I would be perfect for and that I should immediately apply for it. In actual fact, it was a news article stating that the female host of 'The Wheel of Fortune' was leaving the show. I wondered how I should follow my grandmother's instructions. Write into the newspaper? Contact the TV station? I wanted to explain that the process doesn't really go like that, but didn't have the heart to tell her. She was so pleased that she had found this 'opportunity' for me. Thing is- I never even wanted to be a host in the first place! Don't get me wrong here, I'm all for going outside the boundaries to get acting jobs-I got one of my great roles in a TV show by meeting the director in my local coffee shop and I once crashed an audition in my determination to get my career started. Why was my grandmother so obsessed with me getting on this show? Well, because she watched it every night. Then something happened that left me completely flabbergasted. A few weeks later, I was out to dinner with some friends. My friend Mike mentioned he's seen the new girl on "A Wheel of Fortune" and didn't think she was very good. Suddenly his eyes lit up and he turned to me-" YOU would have been great on that show!" Why did everyone want me to be on "Wheel of Fortune"? It was so weird and I wondered whether Mike should start hanging out with my grandmother- they obviously had a lot in common.

Anyway, I guess I am on The Wheel of Fortune every day. Hopefully the wheels lands in an auspicious position.

The Continuum of Frienship

This morning I woke with a splitting headache. I don't understand it! There is no reason that this should be happening to me! Maybe I have a brain tumor? Or need a new glasses prescription?? Oh, OK, OK. It could have had something to do with the three glasses of wine I had last night. I was catching up with an old friend I hadn't seen in 7 years and it seemed necessary to partake in alcoholic beverages to commemorate the occasion.

This particular friend, let's call him 'Henry', and I have an odd, see each other every 5-7 years friendship. I met him when I was 12 and living in Asia. He lived in England. We went on a date to McDonalds and watched Last Action Hero starring Arnold Schwarzenegger at the cinemas. Who would have thought that 18 years later we would be having dinner in LA, a city governed by that very same movie star? Life is weird, isn't it?

I wrote to Henry after he went back to England, anxiously detailing the trials and tribulations of an expat 12 year old girl's life and adventures. I'm sure those letters were very interesting... "last Sunday we went on a junk to an undeveloped island where I was again forced to eat pigeon heads, and I am now number 3 on James Christopherson's list of favorite girls at school...the saga continues". Henry, in turn kept me up to date with British boy's boarding school antics. I moved country at 14 and we lost touch. No problem. Life threw us together again 5 years later when I decided to do a year abroad at a British university and who did I happen to see on the first day at college? You bet. Henry, all grown up. We easily reaffirmed our friendship and took it from there. Since then I have had dinner with him in London, Sydney and LA. I think it is strange how life pops certain people up time and time again and other people never cross your path a second time. What is there to learn from these encounters?

It's interesting how effortless these meetings are and how little we change over the years. Henry talked about how time seems to disappear in these moments and you wonder if you really have been living in Singapore or LA or wherever these past few years, it sometimes seems as if no time has passed at all and the other life in between was some kind of dream. The continuum of friendship surpasses time. Perhaps to reference Shakespeare, friendship "is not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks/ Within his bending sickle's compass come". That is what is so nice about seeing people from the past. It reminds us of all of our youthful dreams. Although we age, we see each other as we once were, two 3 foot 2" kids, dreaming of our futures over big macs and the spectacle of action heroes. We were going to conquer the world. Perhaps we still are? Certainly Schwarzenegger is part of the way there and he's from Austria!

To suck or not to suck.

Something's really going on with my body clock! Normally I am an early bird, chirping away (annoyingly) to all who will listen. These last few days, I've woken late and stayed up late into the night, often busy in my mind till midnight. Now you scoff, you night owls. I know some of you stay up till 3am! This idea is preposterous to me. Midnight is definitely late enough. I am 30, you know. My notion of a proper person's life hours is 8am till midnight. I shall try to get that schedule happening. Falling asleep at 10 is definitely not chic. Waking up late, you can't get much done. Do I suck - or what?

Last night I watched the Vampire movie, 'Let the Right One In'. It infiltrated my dreams with little blonde boys and girlish vampires. I liked it. It had a certain mystique. I wonder why Vampires are so popular right now? There are so many movies and TV shows about Vampires and by the way, I am not in any of them! This is a great disservice to Vampires the world around, for I feel I would make an excellent blood sucker. For one, I am passionate about the legends and the deadly beauty of Vampires. I was obsessed with Anne Rice in my late teens. I have ever so slightly vampire like teeth. I like being in movies and TV series. Surely this should qualify?? Alas, no. I've never even auditioned for a vampire. I will have to write this down in my list of things to do. I think our culture is obsessed with Vampires because they are invincible in some way and right now, post GFC, people feel more vulnerable than ever. Somehow, vampires make death seems cool. Obviously there is also the sexual sucking element. That raw passion, that many people in our society, who sit behind computer screens all day, seriously lack. Mostly, I think its because a Vampire is forced to live from passion. Ultimately, what could be more sexy or appealing than that? Unfortunately, I don't think Vampires count as proper people- but I'm willing to be proven otherwise.