Elusive Peace.

I woke up today struggling to remember my dream. It vanished before my eyes, like quicksand falling back down to the center of the earth. Oh my god! It is 10 o'clock! How did this happen?
"Wait!" I called out to the day.
"It's going without us!" I told my boyfriend. "Quick, try and stop it!"
In stark contrast to my experience just two days earlier when I had pinned down the day from the outset, today was an elusive cloud I could not grasp, but merely see rushing by me. I walked with my loved one along the shoreline, stopping to take in the beautiful blue ocean and clear skies. I picked flowers or contrasting vibrant colors, as if holding them in my hand and taking in the joy of the moment could somehow delay the fleeting nature of it all. I noticed the beauty of the trees and felt as if I was in the world of Pandora. It is so beautiful here- why would we ever need to create another fictional place? I have scripts to read today, an audition to prepare and the sun is shining. Can you blame me for feeling happy?

I wonder if proper people are meant to be happy. According to the author of 'Bright-Sided', Barbara Ehrenreich, 'not really'. Or maybe it's just being positive that she abhors. Are happiness and positivity the same thing? Perhaps not. In her book she dispels the popular myth that positivity helps one achieve all the things they dream of and even goes so far as to label it dangerous and destructive. She warns that positivity allows people to ignore the ominous threats around them and to live in a state of denial. Some cheery morning reading? You betcha! I thought I better have a look at this book too, since I am currently so occupied with my miracle books and classes. You must see both sides of the story- yin and yang and all that.

I agree with some of her thoughts- they are even backed up with good research. The problem is her perception of the word 'positivity'. For me, positivity is not about existing in a state of denial. Part of it is even to do with really getting to the bottom, most painful parts of our unhappiness, disease, break-ups, loss or whatever issue it is we are dealing with. It is not about putting band-aid blank 'happy' inane statements over gashing wounds as Barbara Ehrenreich seems to perceive it. Then again, I haven't finished the book yet so I may not have seen her full perspective.

Why do I even have this book? You may be wondering. Well, because on my side of the bed is a bucket load of books, some titles include "The Alchemist, Stella Adler's "The art of Acting", "How to think like Leonardo Da Vinci", "The Course in Miracles" and "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" whereas on the other side of the bed are "The God Delusion", "Bright-sided" and "God is not Great". I suppose if yin and yang are anything to go by, I am in the perfect relationship.

I like the notion I read about in Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love'. Her medicine man explains to her that there are seven states to rise up through to get to heaven-each more full of enlightenment and joy than the last. He then says that to get to Hell, there are seven states down, each state more full of sadness than the last. The interesting thing is that he describes Heaven and Hell as "same, same". The only difference is the journey taken to get there. So, in the end, you may as well be heading 'up'. I like that. Maybe it is just another version of the "opiate of the people", to quote Karl Marx's opinion on religion, but the feeling of peace and happiness is something that I think we'd all be happy for.

I can't even find a proper person! But I don't care!

Aren't hummingbirds magical? The first time I saw one, I was blown away. Their fairy like wings and the speed with which they move can make me stand there in awe. Today all of us did that. Ok, so we were a bunch of actors but there were also some cyclists there too and they were just as thrilled-if not more so. One of them also studied zoology so we teased him to go up to the bird. We called him 'birdman' and reproached him for not having the red breasted bird come sit on his hand. This group had just cycled around the world. Yep, the whole world. It took them 3 years and here's the funny part- one of them doesn't even like cycling! Why would you put yourself through the chafing pain? I guess for the sheer joyful experience of seeing everything, every shoreline, every boat and every village road.

Today we sat in a courtyard at the back of a restaurant in Venice beach. We were surrounded by trees and pink flowers and the sun was streaming through the canopy's above our wooden table. It felt so provincial and french. I had just come from miracle class and we were served by a guy called 'Mirage'. How appropriate, I thought to myself. Everyone wanted to know about my miracle class but I had never met these cyclists before, so I was wary. I know that people think these things are a little cuckoo. Strangely they were all into it! Maybe I need to hang out with some more proper people, instead of movie actors and spiritual healers and people who spend their time cycling from continent to continent. But, guess what? I kind of like this motley crew.

I ended the day at acting class where I tried the teacher's technique of NOT looking at the page if you forget a line and just really using the moment to search for it. I tried to find it. I searched every corner of my mind. I told myself not to stress, that it didn't matter! I will just see if it comes! ARGHHH!! WHERE IS IT?? There must have been some seriously good acting going on in this moment. This went on for a ridiculously long period of time and eventually I had to grab the script. FAIL!! It didn't work! I continued on and stayed in character. I made sure to explain that I was trying out this technique so that people didn't think that is what I do all the time! Anyway, the scene was pretty funny in the end, but let's just say it was probably good that it was a class and not a real audition.

After my stupendous performance, I hit Los Feliz for a much needed magarita and taco with my sister's best friend. She works in the fashion industry. Another risk taking venture. It is seemingly paying off for her and I delight in hearing of her success. She leaves town tomorrow for more jet setting adventures. She seems pretty proper to me, even if she does wear a black blazer that deliberately has slits on the biceps.
That's fashion, darling!

Rush to it. You'll get there. Or not.

A very busy day with a lot of hurry up...and wait. It hasn't even finished yet. But I've been onto it. From the beginning. The early bird catches the worm-oh yes, it's true! The day has had little chance to escape me. I've been nailing it down since the crack of dawn.

I began, as all proper people do, with a quick look in the miracle book. I took a poignant thought for the day. It said something about love. I can't really remember what exactly- hey, I'd only just woken up, remember! No time to dwindle. Spirituality: check. Next, I ran 3 miles, emailed my managers about films I do not have auditions for and then prepared for an audition that I do have. Fitness: check. Career: check, check. How good is that?!

Today's audition was the kind of where you 'D.I.Y'. You then send in the tape. In order to achieve this, you have to either pay a studio $100 or you have to have friends. Luckily, I have a very dear friend who helps me do these things, so off to her house I went. I arrived at 1.30 and left her house at 10.30. Did I earn any money for any of this? No. Did she? No. Let's not bring that up in front of her. We, of course, ate lunch, discussed potential projects that we should be working on ourselves and dissected the careers of other actors we know. We then attended to the case in hand and started filming my audition. There were quite a few mistakes, but also some good takes and then I was the typical actor, agonizing over which take to send. It is very annoying being with actors and being an actor. You can easily annoy yourself! Don't worry. I relate. Currently, I am still waiting for files to upload.

A short trip to whole foods on the way home proved that I am not cool enough to be in this city. EVERYONE looks trendy there. Even the check out staff. The customers look like they've come out of a pret a porter runway show! And here I was, thinking I was onto it today! Onto it? Yes, but not for LA.

Reality and miracles.

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Miracle class last night. I'm a regular. I'm devoted. Is it helping? I don't know- but I like the feeling when I'm there. So far the most miraculous thing is the price of the course. It's cheap or even free-if you don't have the cash, that is. That is a miracle in LA, my friends. Plus, when I'm there, I get sparkly feelings. Ever had those? Well, they're nice, I tell you and people have paid a lot more and risked their health for a dose of sparkles. Maybe they spike the water with something. I don't know. Who cares? I feel a little bit like John Cusack in 'Being John Malkovich' when he finds the strange business allowing you into the world of John Malkovich. It's not a 'proper' business for 'proper' people. It's off the charts, behind the lanes, between the atoms of reality. It's exciting to be a part of it precisely because it is not what everyone else is doing. You can't look it up in the phone book or make online reservations. I like that. Plus I'm learning things, listening to people and getting a few small miracles myself. I'm hoping its helping me on the journey. Final destination: proper person. Maybe if I start talking in a lower voice? Ahem.
Proper person snapshot: I was dressed in a beautiful red dress, drinking coffee from a silver pot as I ate a full cooked breakfast this morning, overlooking the LA city skyline, floating in the clouds whilst talking to a man who'd survived a heart-attack - an angel? I could have been in heaven. Then the check arrived. "Oh dear", my voice squeaked. Do proper people have to pay that much too? Perhaps I should have stayed in miracle class. You can't sleep over though. You've got to go back out into the world and deal with it. Miraculously, though, the bill WAS paid. "It's working! It's working!" I cried. "The miracle workshops are working!" Well, my boyfriend's credit card was. But miracles come in all shapes and sizes - everybody knows that.

Magic growing.

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I'm really struggling with my goal to be a proper person. It just seems like my life is a bit different to other people's. I'm not really sure if they are proper either, but a lot of them do appear to be pretty grown up. You'd think by 30 you would be a grown up. I know. I was thinking that too. Maybe I should have done something to make it happen. Maybe I'm like the person at the florist shop who didn't know you had to buy the packet of 'magic grow' and am now at home, confoundedly staring at my dead lilies. I had (ridiculously) assumed that water was all that was needed!
I thought I was on the right track. I have multiple degrees from prestigious universities, I was a good student, I was outgoing and friendly! What could possibly have gone wrong? Perhaps my parents forgot to tell me something. My sister confided this very same fear to me but a few weeks ago.... so, we must be onto something! Case study of my sister: She has a very interesting career as a lawyer and excelled at school and college. She is loved by all her employers and friends. Everybody likes her. She is really fun to be around and is kind and smart. Conclusion: Her life is so obviously f@#*ed up! She feels like other people might know something that she doesn't know. This is how I feel at auditions. I know a lot of other people feel like this too. Sometimes I wonder if all actors have an orange beam shining out of their heads and my beam is purple. If I knew this to be the case, I could maybe take myself to a mechanic to have my lights changed. Or some sort of chakra clearing person. Is that something proper people do? Oh well, even if I can't work out what it is I'm missing, luckily I know what it is for my sister. In her case, everyone does know something that she doesn't. It's that she's friggin' wonderful.

To do or not to do. That is the question.

Ok, ok. So little miss smarty pants of yesterday can eat her words. My achievements today consist of running 3 miles, eating copious amounts of food and reading a book. Not quite the list of a proper person. So what? Perhaps today hasn't been a barrage of activities. Is that really so bad? Why do we always feel that we need to have achieved this or that in order to prove the worth of our existence. Do other people really care? Yes. Yes, they do. I know my mother wouldn't approve. She's the kind of person who would come back home at 7am in a state of shock that my day had only just begun. She'd already achieved at least 10 things. My retaliation? I'd quote my dad; "I'm a human being not a human doing!"

The real question is: "are you happy?" Some people would even argue that this is an irrelevant question. They'd say we must be prepared to suffer, to do work we don't like (it is called work after all, not playtime), to forgo our dreams in order to be sensible, proper people. My best coping method for dealing with people like this is the carefully employed 'avoidance technique'.

People don't mind if you follow your dreams - as long as you're successful. I'd like to think I have had some success. I'm an actress. I've been in movies. I've been on TV. Even movies at the cinemas- that's something- isn't it? It's certainly a far cry to my diary entries of 6 years ago where I was always lamenting the loss of of a fast food commercial. I'd write things like " Dear God and the universe- please, please, please let me book this KFC commercial- this will change my acting career! It's the most important thing I would like to ask for right now". Followed by - "Can you believe it??? I didn't get the KFC commercial!!! I feel so depressed right now. Maybe I'm not a good actor. It would have been great to get it." I look back at those and think- oh my god- get out! Get a life! Who cares if you are the lead of a TV commercial for deep fried chickens? What a joke!

At least back then, I lived right by a beautiful beach. I would lie on the beach and look at its crystal, clear water and think to myself how lucky I was to have this- that some people could only dream to live in such a beautiful place. I then concluded that it was no good just lying on a beach, no matter how beautiful, for the rest of my life. I had to do something. I had a mission. I had to become a successful actress. I had to do menial jobs to support myself and the pursuit of my dream. I had to live in a less beautiful location and suffer hundreds of rejections. All for what? So that I could be 'successful' and rich. Then I could buy a massive house, right by the beach and just lie on the beach looking at the crystal, clear water and think to myself how lucky I was to have this, that- hang on a minute- are you having déjà vu?

A mile a minute can help you get there...

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Wow! Leaping from one thing to the next makes me feel wonderful. Pilates first thing this morning. The busier I am, the happier I feel.
"Is that just because you are too busy to notice that you're sad?"
"Oh, please! Hang on-maybe you have a point there."
As far as I can see, proper people are definitely busy and happy. Do they stretch their limbs out on archaic medieval like machines in an attempt for longer, leaner muscles at $40 a pop? Of course they do! This is California. If you do Pilates, Yoga, running, gym workouts, personal training, organic eating, swimming, walking and rollerblading you are surely in the running for happiest, most put together, proper person - or at the very least, the star of a tampon commercial. I remember my kid brother suggesting to me that if I wanted to improve my athletic ability, he knew of a thing that advertised horse riding, swimming and windsurfing abilities on every day of the month. Tampax.

My brother's always had helpful advice and interesting comprehension skills. He is the epitome of love and sensitivity, but once sent me a 24th birthday card that read " if you want to make your tits bigger, try rubbing them with toilet paper- it worked for your ass!" I pretended to laugh in front of my boyfriend, but promptly rang my brother to explain that whilst it was 'of course fine' for him to send such a card to me ( I am laid back with insults about my body - yeah, right) he certainly should be wary of giving anything like that to any other girl who did not fit into the 'unconditional love' category. I then did some quick bust increasing exercises. To no avail.

Despite my bust failures, I am committed to exercise. The quest for physical improvement and extreme fitness alone was not enough to satisfy me today - I also dug into my spiritual core. This involved spending a considerable amount of time wandering around a mystic bookstore. If something magical was going to happen, surely this would be the place. I stood and waited, I looked around, I rang a magical gong. Nothing! Then an advert for Tarot readings caught my eye. Perhaps they could predict the date when I would finally become a proper person. That would be helpful. I thought one lady sounded pretty good and encouragingly she was called 'Hope'.
Then Hope arrived. I looked to her for guidance and beaming light. "Here's hope", I said to myself. Mean old bag would have been a better name. She berated the check out girl before querying her lack of customers. She didn't seem very spiritual to me! Or proper. I mean you've got to be at least one or the other. Pressed and dressed with a file under your arms and focus in your eyes, or ragged but floaty and serene. I came to the sad conclusion that there was no magic here so I went and bought myself some organic chocolate from Whole Foods. Mission accomplished.

Stand back from the dot painting! OR Getting Closer....

Here it is. The pinnacle point. Last night, dressed up-I stood in front of urban art in a gallery opening and admired it. Proper? Too right. Sophisticated, smart-thoughtful. If you had seen this philosophizing brunette with her hair curled and a vodka tonic in her hand I think you'd be casually impressed. Wait! Don't look too closely- you might see the suede falling off the back of the boot, that expression- was it enlightenment or bewilderment? Hold on- do those glasses really have lenses in them? "OF COURSE THEY DO- BACK UP BITCH!" All right, all right. Enlightenment it clearly was. The brown hair helps. I'm pretty sure. I'm almost certain. You see, I used to be blonde and I am on a mission to work out if people think I'm smarter as a brunette. I'm also trying to work out if I get different acting roles as a brunette or-let's be honest- any roles at all. It seems that when you have brown hair all the roles are for blondes and when you have blonde hair producers want to sleep with you. It's a conundrum. Like when your changing lanes on the 405, and the faster lane is always the one you just left. Should you get back in that lane again? Is it too late? Is the universe going to press the "stuff you" button as soon as you put your indicator on and have moved to the point of no return? Probably. But you do it anyway- just to see. It's like when I bend rulers as far as they can bend with morbid fascination and then SNAP-they're dead. It was always going to happen but I like to see how far I can push it.

Is it proper to spend your time going to such things as miracle classes? "Hey I'm playing basketball after work, what are you doing?" "Oh-I'm going to miracle class"... silence. What does one say to such a thing? Well, if I were the first guy I would definitely say (even if I didn't believe it) "Could you get a miracle for me too?" Just in case- Pascal's wager and all that. Obviously that is why I am the second person.
Reading is definitely a proper thing to do though. Just think of all the proper people you have heard about who read books- right?? I've been reading quite a bit lately so surely I am on the right path now, even if my dalliances with magic take up quite a lot of my time and spellbooks sit next to Dostoyevsky on my bookshelf. Even better than reading a book MUST be to write one. So many people are writing books you almost feel left out not giving it a shot. At least I know my mother feels that way. She constantly rings me to ask me why I haven't written a novel yet. I reply that I have NEVER said I had any intention of writing a novel and have no comprehension of why she asks me this. I ask her why she hasn't yet become a Kung-Fu master.

A Proper Person.

Preparing for life is a difficult task. It is already happening and I am still preparing! Help! When will I become a proper person? I ponder this fact knowing the answer doesn't exist but feel it is proper to ponder. That seems like a grown-up thing to do. At least I am seriously considering the question-right? The more seriously I consider it, the more worried I become. Have I been wasting my time? Should I have studied Economics instead of Philosophy and Ancient History and Experimental Theater? Was dressing up in a pink leotard at university and crawling the stage as an alien helpful to my personal development? Perhaps sashaying down the street dressed as a blue sperm with a dance group of 12 year olds (who wouldn't partner up with me) to "Sail Away" on a Sunday morning wasn't the coolest or brightest thing a 19 year old could do. Perhaps I should have been nursing my hangover or preparing for an exam in Macroeconomics instead of trying to improve my non-existent dance skills with a dedicated and bitchy group of junior high girls. Sometimes I feel proud that I have been chasing my dream and other times I wish I could dress up in a suit to prove that I am a person with a 'serious' career. Or at least look like a person with a serious career. Of course on occasion I do put on a suit for a role and it does make me feel like a worker. A worker bee bustling and buzzing in the community. A proper person.