Graduating to become a Proper Person.

I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Dustin Hoffman the other night, after a private screening of his film 'The Graduate' at Soho House. With clever, insightful direction from Mike Nichols and a peculiar and dynamic hero, 'The Graduate' still stands strong. I see it as a coming of age story that explores the emptiness we've all felt, that niggling feeling that something is missing, the 'sound of silence'. In fact 'The Graduate' is a great example of someone striving and struggling to be a proper person. Or perhaps he struggles with even wanting to be a proper person- should he want that? He sees everyone around him as separate- as a different kind of person to the man he wants to be. There is no ideal for Dustin's 'Ben', just examples of what he doesn't want. No wonder he's confused. It was right not to cast Robert Redford or a typical leading man type. What was needed was a questioner, someone to push the boundaries, someone who was 'on edge'. In a way, Ben is a version of Camus' 'The Outsider'- that ultimate anti-hero who comes up again and again in literature- J.D. Salinger then Brett Easton-Ellis bring the disconnected man to life in different ways and Ben Braddock is not completely dissimilar, although he finds passion momentarily. Dustin Hoffman is the perfect casting because he possesses so many juxtaposing characteristics. I love this character, sometimes I feel just like him- he is a dichotomy, a conundrum.

Dustin takes us on an emotional journey as we laugh at his awkwardness, wonder at his detachment, admire his strength and self commitment and are swept away by his extreme passion and determination. He really does 'go his own way'- as Fleetwood Mac so aptly put it. When he gets what he wanted or what he thought he wanted, we are left with the uneasy feeling that the darkness has returned and perhaps it wasn't really what he wanted in the first place. Once again he seems detached, confused, alone- even as he sits next to the girl of his dreams. Dustin gets it perfectly, not because he is so capable of displaying emotion (although of course he is a master of doing so) but because he welcomes the audience into his head. The most captivating parts of his performance are when we see him trying to work it all out- why is he feeling the way he does? What is the point of life? What do I really want? Those are the questions that seem to swell in his mind and draws us in as we try to work them out with him. The answers he comes up with are hilarious. One of my favorite parts is when he tells his parents he is getting married and yet the girl not only is unaware of it, but doesn't even like him! It is wonderful to see him telling himself not to do things and then taking every opposite action. No wonder he gets caught up in this mess. He tells Mrs Robinson that he has to leave and yet keeps walking towards her naked body- who wouldn't? Ultimately, I find the film to be extremely truthful and very clever. I laughed a lot. It makes me think of Horace Walpole's quote; 'The world is a tragedy for those who feel but a comedy for those who think.'

Second Chances

Is it right for people to get a second chance at being a proper person? I believe it is. A third? Most likely, no. At least, not until some dues are paid. My friend was recently violently attacked by her boyfriend. He was previously accused of hitting a former girlfriend but had the conviction overturned. He had gotten off because an assault conviction would have potentially damaged his career. He was young and had a bright future ahead of him. Why this was reason to let him off the hook, I will never know. Plenty of people possessing these same characteristics and the same story could never have used such an argument because they are not in the entertainment industry. The 'victim' of his assault was also young with a bright future ahead of her. This did not appear to be as important. Somehow, even after the assault was made public, his career seemed to grow. It is sickening to think that the public attention he received after attacking a woman could have somehow made him more successful. However, perhaps he did deserve a second chance, perhaps he was truly sorry, so people, including me, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, a couple of years later, he has assaulted another beautiful girl. Again, this woman is being strong and public about the incident, but hopefully this time he won't get off so easily.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

Hair Propability.

So, after a girl's night out, I dropped by a bar to see two of my male actor friends. One of them, Simon* had been a subject of conversation at the girl's night. The actresses had gotten excited about how gorgeous he was and one of them had even 'bid' on him when he had auctioned himself off for a date for charity. I had texted him to boost his ego and tell him that he was being drooled over. He was delighted. So, imagine my shock when I dropped by the bar to discover that Simon had some new sort of bowl haircut! Instead of keeping my thoughts about his shocking hairstyle to myself, I suddenly found myself blurting them out. "You're hair looks weird," I said. I mean, OK, it wasn't that nice to say so, but I have also told him on numerous occasions that he was extremely handsome. You give and you take, right? Alright, even that doesn't quite make up for it, but I was expecting him to laugh. I did NOT get a laugh, or even a giggle or even a brush off! Instead, I witnessed a man lose his sh*t! His eyebrows furrowed. A deep fiery red began to takeover his face, his jaw clenched, his eyes widened. Satan seemed to be standing in front of me. Simon was nowhere to be seen. The evil, red man, spoke:
"You can't just say that to people!" he hissed. "I mean, F$*k you! Seriously, you have to learn how to talk to people! I can't change it now-can I?"
I, shocked and worried for his emotional safety, of course scrambled some compliments together and lay them upon him. But he could no longer hear me. I have never seen someone so angry in my entire life! The fragility of the actor's ego astounded me. I tried to dig myself out of it. Not a good idea.
"Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to take you down a notch because all the girls were talking you up so much," I, tryingly said.
My good friend Ash* turned to me and said,
"You should probably just stop talking now."
I understood, I was making it worse. I tried to keep my mouth shut. But I couldn't bear his angry eyes. I wanted Simon to come back. My trial exorcism continued.
"You can always change your hair," I added, helpfully.
Oh my God, I should shut up. He exploded.
"Look, I didn't like your hair when you died it brown but I didn't say that to you, did I? DID I"
No, he didn't. In fact, come to think of it, I think he must have lied. OK, OK, point taken, he preferred me as a blonde. I get it. I wasn't offended. I didn't have a hissy fit. It is just hair after all. I told him so and tried to lead by example. See, I can take a hit! Still, the devil stared at me.
In the end, after trying to salvage the situation and failing miserably, I thought it was best if I just cut my losses and moved on. I was there for less that 20 minutes and had caused a lot of damage. Was it really my terrible behavior? Am I really lacking in social graces? I reminded him, as I left, that I must have previously given him a million compliments, to which he responded,
" Once, at Zara's house, by the pool, you said I was handsome."
He snarled through this as though he could barely stand saying it. He looked sad as he remembered this one occasion. A moment of hope? Then he looked angry again. Time to leave. I pretty much ran out of there, hoping that he would forgive me later. All this because of his hair! Sheesh! OVERREACTION! I guess neither of us was a proper person in the situation but then again, we are both actors, so no-one expected us to be. I must try and hang out more with non-actors. This will surely increase my 'propability'.

Personality Plastic Surgery

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I just read that Michael J. Fox is going to do a guest role on 'The Good Wife'. It is amazing how optimistic and dedicated to his profession he is- in spite of his disease. I really admire him. Michael J. Fox has incredible spirit and is a great actor. What an inspiration. I think I may need personality plastic surgery, but Langford told me that it is not possible. This is very depressing news. I still feel a little bit like I am missing a major piece of information. I don't know how to do life 'properly'- I am not a proper person yet! I don't have a disease or any real set-back but for some reason I can't come up with the drive to catapult my career into the heavens! My concern is not that I am lonely or unloved but that I feel like I do not know how to do anything other than act! I am trying to think of new careers or new ways to make money and nothing is coming to me. My mother is trying to schedule my life for me but it just isn't working! I had a film audition today and am friends with the casting director. I had assumed she had asked me to come in specifically but there were two other girls from my agency there! Competition. Although it doesn't really matter if they are from my agency, I have to compete against someone! I think I did a great read. Maybe this is the one.

Proper People in a Proper World

So my day started with my phone ringing at 7.30am. It was a successful actor/producer 'friend' of mine (I have met him once) Fred*. I let it ring out. I knew he had a little crush on me and couldn't think why he would need to speak to me so early in the morning. Next, Zara* started calling and I answered her. She told me she was with Fred*. Great. Before I could explain why I couldn't answer the call, Zara jumped straight in, asking me if I could come and 'help' Fred. I had no idea what kind of 'help' she was talking about, but signed myself up immediately, (as I usually do) thinking that he wanted me to help him film an audition. As I began to ask questions, it was revealed that Fred was searching for a different kind of help, the help that can be found in a proper person. Apparently he was having a nervous breakdown/hangover/drug recovery/depression and couldn't cope with the world. He had a string of important studio meetings and wanted Zara and me to be his assistants for the day. I took all of this in as I brushed my teeth and ran out the door. In the background I heard him shout out- "Tell 'er, tell her I'll pay her three hundred dollars!" I was totally confused about why I was driving over there but Zara needed me to be there too. She was concerned that he was going to do something terrible to himself.

When I arrived, Fred was passed out on the couch and we couldn't wake him, even when we shook him, so we sat out on the balcony and waited. Zara told me that he had been saying ridiculous things all morning, like "you're smart but you can't understand what it's like being me- I'm a genius." And "I think I'm gonna kill myself, OK, I'm not really, I just needed to say it, now I feel better" and "everything is ruined, everything!" and "you girls are 'quality', I've got quantity but no quality". It was all pretty funny, but we also had to treat it seriously, just in case he really was about to go over the edge. Luckily he calmed down and when he finally arose from his sleep he thought we were angels, literally. We both had to run off to auditions and on our way back he called us on the phone to say "please hurry up and come home!" Once we returned, we made him re-schedule his appointments and everything seemed to work out. We picked him up McDonalds, made sure he was OK and at the end of the day we refused to accept any money. It felt like he was trying to pay us for being his friends and that didn't feel right. What a weird day.

I am now about to go out to dinner with my parrot loving, surfer Australian friend who is in town for a few days. I feel like I was a proper person today but I definitely wasn't in a proper world.

Flies cut through the bulls#@t.

I just saw that my agents have signed two new actresses in my age range and type. I am trying to not feel irritated by it but I do feel a little pissed off. I told myself that I was going to be positive today so I am trying to tell myself that this it does not matter. Perhaps it doesn't. Or perhaps this heralds the end of my career! OK, OK, now I'm being dramatic. Do proper people feel this way?

I spent the day helping my actor friend, Tim, film an audition. It was for a really great project with great writing and a dynamic, funny character. Any actor's dream would be to play this role. He dressed up and even went to the lengths of wearing a wig! It was pretty funny and he did a really good job. I really hope his audition sparks some interest- he deserves some.

I just watched my favorite TV show 'Mad Men', which I loved, followed by 'Entourage'- a show that has really gone down hill. Why do porn stars now get to be actors on hot TV shows when they can't even act? Perhaps I should have gone to Porn school instead of Drama school. Good on Sasha Grey for making it this far, but I just don't understand why. After a particularly dull delivery, Turtle announces "she's funny"- excuse me- when? Are we watching the same thing here? 'Mad Men' is full of percolating characters and proper people and is so real that you feel as if you were a fly on the wall. The scripts are tight and subtle. Whereas, the characters in 'Entourage' are consistently placed in barely believable circumstances, have terrible lines to say and if you were a fly on the wall, you would be continuously shouting out "yeah right!"

Do you ever feel like you're going round and round?

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I just ate far too many sweets, jellies, lollies or- well, whatever you call them, they are bad for you and are packed with sugar. They should just be called 'body destroyers' or 'don't eat mees'. I think that would help me stop eating them. I should really get a job in advertising and come up with product names, except I don't think anyone wants a product name that stops people from buying their product. It is OK (not great) that I ate so many lollies because I smashed my body this morning at a circuit class. I've never been to one before and was shocked at how hardcore it is. I mean, I run a lot- but this is insane! My lovely girlfriend, Amelia* has been going there a lot and I think she is looking really good but she thinks she has seen no improvement- and yet, she continues to put herself through this ordeal! I am not quite sure if I am going to go again. I kept getting confused and just when I would work out how to do an exercise, I would have to move to the next one. If I was a proper person I would probably cope better. The fact that I get confused in a circuit workout is alarming to me, but what can I say? Maybe I am just uncoordinated or maybe I am just not a proper person. In this case it could be better to claim the lesser crime of being uncoordinated. Amelia always strikes me as a proper person because she is always so together and organized and happy and well-balanced. She works full-time AND manages to squeeze in these workouts AND pay her bills and organize her life. Sometimes I really feel like it is so hard just being a person and yet she seems to have a good grasp of it. My mother really likes her. Maybe she is hoping some of Amelia's 'properness' will rub off on me. I sure hope so.

Wrinkle Woes and Actor's Lows.

I just saw the deepest wrinkle under my eye! How did it get there? It seems to have tripled over night! It is now similar to the grand canyon which is beautiful in real life but not on people's faces! I can't believe it. What am I going to do? I quickly applied some Nivea Q10 under-eye cream but it is still there! Do any of these creams actually work? This is very depressing. Why do we have to age? The weirdest thing about being young is that you never even notice that you don't have wrinkles so you don't appreciate your cavern-free skin. Suddenly you are hit with it from about 26 on and then it all goes downhill. Luckily, my mother looks fantastic so I shouldn't worry too much but I don't understand how this tiny wrinkle has suddenly become more obvious! Perhaps I just drunk too much wine last night. I hope so. I hope it will pop back into shape so that I continue acting. Who is going to hire a girl with a canyon on her face? I know, I know,...someone who appreciates fine acting. I get it. But we all want to look nice too.

Had coffee with my actor friend Tim today. Tim was feeling pretty depressed and was near tears for most of the conversation because he felt like he had done some terrible acting in his guest star role on a hot TV show. I asked him how I could know that what he was saying was true. Had anyone told him that he sucked? No. Had anyone responded to him weirdly? No. Had he heard people whispering 'he's terrible' as he performed? No. But he was convinced. His eyes welled with tears and he pulled his hair with his hands as he announced, in anguish, that he should quit acting. At this point I burst out laughing and did an imitation of him. 'Just look at what a cliched actor you are being', I said. Luckily he laughed too. I don't think he is really going to quit but actors are such fragile creatures and go through a moment like that pretty frequently. They never follow through with it. That is why I like them so much-they are hilarious! I guess I am like that too. Of course when I am being like that, it is deadly serious and not funny at all. I know you must be terribly concerned about my wrinkle. I better re-moisturize right now, it is deepening as I write. Arghhh!

How Far Have I Run?

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Do you ever stop and wonder how the hell you got to where you are? Sometimes when I take that moment it really blows my hair back. I suddenly realize I'm not a multi-millionaire right now, I'm not a famous actress, I'm not a famous writer, I'm not the CEO of a successful company-my God, I'm not even married! Then I fall down. It's just too much for my small brain to comprehend- especially the stuff about being a CEO- who know's where that came from? The title just sounds good, doesn't it? I guess I could be CEO of this blog, right?

How did I get here? It has been about 10 months since I started shooting the horror film I did last year and the bank balance is looking pretty empty. I may have to fall back on an old profession to build it back up. NO! Not being a prostitute! I meant a profession I had before. I've done all the normal things like waitress and babysit, I hosted at restaurants, worked as a promo girl, wrote for a local magazine, was a football reporter and talent scout and drama teacher and private coach. I've also had some weird jobs. I used to work for a Private Investigation Agency, writing reports for Detectives who followed scummy people and tried to catch them out. I wrote for a local Fishing Newspaper where my stoned boss would come up with conspiracy theories about the fishing industry and try to seduce with me with oysters kilpatrick. To be honest, I had fun doing the jobs, and the oysters were pretty good but I always went back to acting. I never really felt like a proper person in the other jobs whereas in acting I didn't feel the need to be a proper person. No one is proper in the acting industry. I guess that's why I always felt so comfortable.

I just started reading a book called 'Loving What Is', by Byron Katie. She talks about how all of our frustration, stress and pain is cause by a denial of what is and a wish for things to be different. She says that if we can come around to fully understanding and accepting what is real and true in the current moment then we can be released from the thoughts that hold us back from peace and happiness. So, for example, I could be released from the thought that I should be more successful right now if I just accept that right now I am an actress looking for work and I am as successful as I am. There is no more I 'should' be, I just am as I am. She says that it is not the actual circumstance that is causing you pain, but your thoughts around that circumstance. The thoughts start to control you and make you feel stressed because they constantly criticize the current moment. I think that she explains all of this very well but I still wish she had a section that said, 'how to become very rich in two weeks or less'. Someone should write a book called that. I am sure they would be a best-seller in no time.

Magic carpets come and go.

Just when I thought I was about to become a proper person and start working again, the rug was pulled from under my feet. A bit of unsettling news yesterday. I thought I had an acting job only to discover that I was not approved by the network executives even though I was the producers' and director's choice. I guess you could say it was slightly depressing. Now I am supposed to ramp myself up and get very excited about a role in a silly film that I can hardly bring myself to work on. The character has a scene where some guy snorts blow off her breasts. That, my friends, is another fine example of the wonderful female roles they are writing for actresses. That audition is tomorrow.

Since I last blogged, I have done so many things. I am now actually slightly more of a proper person than I was before. Can you tell why? I have been approved by the US government as a permanent resident! I am now the proud holder of a green card and can stay living in this country. This was a huge relief as I was very stressed not knowing whether I would have to stay or go. In work news, I screen-tested on a film that I love. No news yet. In life news, I went to New York for a week with Langford. We had such a wonderful time, roaming the streets and going to plays and catching up with friends. I was lucky enough to see 'Lend Me a Tenor' starring Anthony La Paglia and Tony Shaloub. They both delivered hilarious performances. I also caught 'The Bachelorette' at The Second Stage Theater and admired Fran Kranz's performance.

One of the other things that happened was that I thought I was going to die. Seriously. I was in a dress shop when a shoplifter started attacking the store girl. Suddenly, everyone was screaming and the shoplifter ( a rabid, crazy haired woman) bit through the finger right to the bone of another customer and sprayed blood everywhere. She was strangling the shop girl and another customer tried to hit her on the head. I then pushed the clothes rack on to her in an effort of heroism but it didn't really do anything. Finally, she left and ran down the street. I was very shaken by the whole experience. I spent some time at the Soho House pool to calm down.

I am also trying to think of scripts and stories to tell and ways to make money. I will let you know if I suddenly become a millionaire, but hopefully, I'll be a proper person first.