Losing Love

I love the metaphysical poets. Particularly Donne. This morning I read out 'Valediction Forbidding Mourning' to the two flies trapped in our living room. It made me cry. The flies were moved too, but not enough to fly out of the house. This is probably not a proper thing to be doing, but I enjoyed it- even though I cried. I don't know exactly why I get emotional. It is so strange to think that I am reading words, which are the thoughts of a man who lived over 400 years ago. I feel connected to him even though he no longer exists. Perhaps I am connected to him, as I am to all people, after all, he wrote the famous lines;

"No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main...Every man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

When I think of the great universality of human life experience and how we are all connected, it moves me to tears. Not because I feel sad, but because the concept is so beautiful and it feels like the truth. I've often felt like this when I have said something really truthful. I think it is hard to speak one's truth all the time. Most of the time we skirt around it, decorate it or say the opposite to engender a response. We throw out bait to check the other person's truth, before we reveal our own. When we get to the heart of our emotions, we are always delicate with our expression. It is never easy.

My dear friend Zara will be breaking up with her boyfriend because he needs to go off into the world and create himself. He needs a profession and needs to go away to 'become his own man', I guess. They both agree that this is necessary but they both feel that they are in love and do not really wish to let the other go. In previous times, our grandparent's era, people were separated for up to 5 years during the war. They waited for one another. Now, if someone is going away for 3 months, it is easy to question the value of the relationship. Perhaps something better will come along during the time apart? Daniel Kitson, the comedian, writes a long argument to support his theory that "the world is too big for love to be real, there are too many people to ever know, beyond everything that you are with the right person." But he finishes with; "But I do still miss her." How do we know how much to value our love? My Dad once said something wonderful to me which was, "all you can ever do, is love the people you love to the best of your ability".

I think we are all searching for that eternal love which cannot be made or broken by a man or woman's success or failure, that is 'not altered when it alteration finds,' as Shakespeare wrote. That is enduring, everlasting and true because it makes us feel that we are part of something greater, that even death cannot touch pure love. In Donne's 'Valediction' he writes;

"Dull sublunary lovers love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it."

In Hollywood it is hard to find examples of this love. People are bound by the sparkly shells of one another and find it hard to look into the soul trapped inside, because they are often blinded by their own beauty/talent/power. Everything is almost too sparkly, too delightful. Like in Milton's paradise, we become lazy and spoilt by abundance and beauty. We fail to seek that deeper character in ourselves and others because we do not need it to succeed here. We are fluffy and pretty and light- yet easy to blow out. That is why it is always so amazing to see a couple who have been together for a very long time who really are still so enraptured with each other. It is a rarity. That is why it make me cry to read Donne's poem as he describes their parting; 'like gold to airy thinness beat', he reminds her that they are forever connected in an unbroken chain that is untouchable. If indeed these thoughts on love are true, then if Zara is meant to be with her boyfriend, they will be re-united. It always makes me sad to think that someone could miss it though, that love, that they could give it up and let it go and lose it. But perhaps, if they did, then it wasn't that kind of love, after all. I am not sure if proper people would let love pass them by. I'd like to think that no-one possibly could.

Burn Baby Burn...

The past weekend was a flurry of activity.
It wasn't proper, it wasn't pretty.
It was goddamn beautiful, sparkling and charming.
Filled with mischievous actors whose eyes were disarming.
There was Leo Di Caprio and the God of War
Lady Gaga even pranced on the floor
Who would have thought?
Who would have dared?
At the end of the day though-
Who really cared?

So I was at Soho House, again. And yes, the aforementioned celebrities were there. I was most excited to see Leonardo Di Caprio though, because he is such an inspiration as an actor and let's be honest- just soooo beautiful. Though Langford was quick to point out his expanding gut, Zara and I failed to notice. As we fluffed our hair we could only manage to take in his eyes. Ahhh, what mysterious, soulful eyes he has... Anyway, unfortunately we didn't get to meet him, though seeing him walk by was a sufficient experience to excite the senses and lent a heady feeling to the evening. We met with one of Zara's previous co-stars for a drink and he happened to be hanging out with The God of War. We also know him. It was a funny evening that ended up with us going to a frat party in the Hollywood Hills. Why we were there, I do not know. Upon arrival, we quickly planned our escape. We manage to exit unscathed at get to bed by 2am.

The day had been wonderful. It had started with me awaking at Zara's house. Lola* was leaving to keep shooting her movie and the night before had been a type of going away affair. It involved a little wine and lasted late into the night. We had eaten at a restaurant, 'The Palihouse', that a friend of mine works at and we all had a deliciously fun evening. We sat, as a bunch of actors do, and discussed who would play us in the movie of our lives. It was really pretty pretentious and ridiculous- but we loved it. What can I say?

The Saturday morning I had to get up and leave early as Langford and I had a brunch to attend. We showed up to a beautiful house and were offered mimosas. How could we resist? The table was mostly filled with writers and the conversation was lively and entertaining but Langford was the most entertaining one there, closely followed by our host who exhibited copious amounts of New York, Woody Allen style humor. The banter between he and his wife was golden. When we finally left, we managed to fit in an hour at Zara's pool and I felt completely happy and fulfilled. I could barely contain my joy at being alive! How things change, for yesterday I could not find my joy at all! Perhaps I had used all of it up on Saturday because it was simply too exciting! I don't understand how moods can change so dramatically. I wonder if proper people feel this way? I imagine their moods to be more solid and steady. Sometimes it feels nice to be sad though, to feel something strongly. It makes you know you are alive and it can be an excellent place to create from.

I just got off the phone from Zara and she got an acting job! A guest star role in a hot new show. I am so happy for her. She really deserves it. All of my friends are on fire right now. That means the flame is burning close, so surely a little light will shine on me too.

Does someone have the answer?

Why doesn't someone know the answer? I think we all like to feel that someone else has the answer. Maybe it is God. Maybe it is Science. Maybe it is astrology and the stars have got it all planned out. Perhaps that is why our culture is constantly fascinated with cults and religions- and even aliens. We always imagine aliens to be far much more advanced than us, even Stephen Hawking has theorized that if aliens do indeed exist, we are best not to contact them because they would probably detonate our entire civilization with the click of a button. What if aliens did exist but we were more advanced than them? Perhaps they would be fascinated with our granola bars and Coca-Cola.
"Ahhh...Yes, that's a grain and it is sweetened with honey made by bees." There eyes would widen and they would coo,
"How do you know so much, human?"
We would stand there, proudly and say,
"Someone once dropped an oat in a honey pot..."
Perhaps the aliens could only begin to comprehend a computer, perhaps they wouldn't even understand reality TV stars- (who does?).Where would that leave us? We would be back to looking at ourselves for the answers. My quest to become a proper person is, of course, part of this conundrum. Could these other people with proper jobs and suits and ties know more than I? Perhaps. I like dressing up as one, I did the other day and had a good audition. The 'good' audition did go well and apparently they loved me. But I got my answer and it was a 'NO'. I was in the mix with 2 other girls but I didn't get it. Apparently they are going to look out for another role on the show for me, so hopefully that will happen! I hope that one of these casting directors will have a different answer for me very soon. My friend Tim* booked a pilot today and I am very happy for him. I helped him run lines. He has finally found the right answer- a friggin' paycheck! He has been trying for a long time so I know I just have to keep going until my answer changes. When it does, I may have finally morphed into a proper person with the help of my advanced alien friends- although I think it may be better for me to play a proper person rather than to actually be one. As my very good friend Bree* said to me- " are you sure you want to be a proper person? I'm not sure you would be very good at it!

A Good Audition

Yesterday I read for a recurring guest star role on a new TV show. It seemed to go really well. When I arrived there was a sign saying that they would only be reading 2 of the 3 scenes we were asked to prepare. Great. They often do that and it can be really annoying if you worked hard on all of them! The other girl I walked in with was relieved because she had hardly learned them as she had been out to dinner the night before with a good friend. I was ready to do them all and had missed out on going to dinner with my really good friends in order to work on the scene! Luckily, once I read the first scene, the casting director asked me to do all three. Good sign! She is a wonderful casting director and it is such a pleasure to do auditions with people who are really courteous and genuine in the room. As I walked out of the room, I felt happy and that I had delivered a good audition. Is it what they are looking for? Who knows. By the time I got to my car, the other girl was walking out already so she must have been in and out very quickly- but that doesn't mean anything! She could still get the job! However, I am sure that it is I who has the job. OK, to be honest I have no further news BUT I am being positive. I am reading a very interesting book called 'The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn'. She is a metaphysician from the 1930's who wrote about the power of the spoken word and the energetic vibrations we give off that create our present and our future.
The best book is the first one she wrote, 'The Game of Life and How to Play It'. One of my favourite pages simply says:
Nothing is too good to be true
Nothing is too wonderful to happen
Nothing is too good to last
This is very much in line with 'The Course in Miracles', but I can feel Langford getting squeamish as he reads this. He could find 50 reasons to disbelieve the above statements. What is it about my personality that draws me so strongly to these statements? It is because I am a believer. A dreamer. If I wasn't, I would never have got to LA, I would never have been in any movies or TV shows and I wouldn't have been on stage. I am incredibly grateful for those experiences and I dream of more to come! There is no point in thinking about facts because 'facts' invariably lead you to 'safe' choices and 'safe' choices do not lead to great things. I wonder if it is safe choices that lead you to become a proper person? My father always asks me when I am going to become a proper person and I still don't have the answer. Surely it will be when I 'play' one on an upcoming TV show!

Proper Vampires

I auditioned for 'Twilight' last week. For me, it was a highlight. I have always wanted to play a blood sucking Vampire, ever since I came across Anne Rice's fabulous 'Interview with a Vampire'. When I was 17 ( which was a long time ago ) I wrote and acted in a dramatic piece about being a 400 year old Vampire. I was obsessed and remember describing in detail the first 'kill' I made as a Vampire. It was thrilling. I think the other girls in my school thought it was strange. It certainly wasn't as cool or as chic to be into Vampires as it is right now. There are so many TV series and movies about the immortal blood suckers that it really makes you wonder what is behind our obsession with it. I guess it could be the sexual metaphor of sucking blood but I think it may have more to do with our youth obsession and the ability to live on in perfection forever. By perfection, I mean forever wrinkle free but existing without a soul. I guess that makes it clear. It should be obvious - right? Surely a soul is worth more than a wrinkle? Certainly in LA, it is easy to flip into the notion that it would be better to look good at any cost. Just last night I had a dream about putting Restylane in my face. In the dream the procedure worked well but I am still not sure if I would want to inject myself with these chemicals. OK, if I could be sure I would look really good and there was no possibility that anything could go wrong then I would do it. When I think of that, Russell Crowe's voice echoes in my head. The one piece of advice he gave me, with utmost Russell Crowe intensity, was "Don't F%ck with your face!" I promised him I would not. Do proper people do such things? I wonder. I am not really sure, but I suspect that they might do it, just a little bit. Who knows? Most older actresses do, but are they proper people? Maybe I don't want to be a proper person after all, maybe I just want to be a Vampire.

During the course of writing this entry, my manager just told me that the 'Twilight' audition will not be going further. Ah well, I guess I am not meant to be a Vampire after all, or at least, not right now. There must be something bigger and better in the pipeline... I shall not waiver. I am determined to be here when it arrives!

Graduating to become a Proper Person.

I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Dustin Hoffman the other night, after a private screening of his film 'The Graduate' at Soho House. With clever, insightful direction from Mike Nichols and a peculiar and dynamic hero, 'The Graduate' still stands strong. I see it as a coming of age story that explores the emptiness we've all felt, that niggling feeling that something is missing, the 'sound of silence'. In fact 'The Graduate' is a great example of someone striving and struggling to be a proper person. Or perhaps he struggles with even wanting to be a proper person- should he want that? He sees everyone around him as separate- as a different kind of person to the man he wants to be. There is no ideal for Dustin's 'Ben', just examples of what he doesn't want. No wonder he's confused. It was right not to cast Robert Redford or a typical leading man type. What was needed was a questioner, someone to push the boundaries, someone who was 'on edge'. In a way, Ben is a version of Camus' 'The Outsider'- that ultimate anti-hero who comes up again and again in literature- J.D. Salinger then Brett Easton-Ellis bring the disconnected man to life in different ways and Ben Braddock is not completely dissimilar, although he finds passion momentarily. Dustin Hoffman is the perfect casting because he possesses so many juxtaposing characteristics. I love this character, sometimes I feel just like him- he is a dichotomy, a conundrum.

Dustin takes us on an emotional journey as we laugh at his awkwardness, wonder at his detachment, admire his strength and self commitment and are swept away by his extreme passion and determination. He really does 'go his own way'- as Fleetwood Mac so aptly put it. When he gets what he wanted or what he thought he wanted, we are left with the uneasy feeling that the darkness has returned and perhaps it wasn't really what he wanted in the first place. Once again he seems detached, confused, alone- even as he sits next to the girl of his dreams. Dustin gets it perfectly, not because he is so capable of displaying emotion (although of course he is a master of doing so) but because he welcomes the audience into his head. The most captivating parts of his performance are when we see him trying to work it all out- why is he feeling the way he does? What is the point of life? What do I really want? Those are the questions that seem to swell in his mind and draws us in as we try to work them out with him. The answers he comes up with are hilarious. One of my favorite parts is when he tells his parents he is getting married and yet the girl not only is unaware of it, but doesn't even like him! It is wonderful to see him telling himself not to do things and then taking every opposite action. No wonder he gets caught up in this mess. He tells Mrs Robinson that he has to leave and yet keeps walking towards her naked body- who wouldn't? Ultimately, I find the film to be extremely truthful and very clever. I laughed a lot. It makes me think of Horace Walpole's quote; 'The world is a tragedy for those who feel but a comedy for those who think.'

Second Chances

Is it right for people to get a second chance at being a proper person? I believe it is. A third? Most likely, no. At least, not until some dues are paid. My friend was recently violently attacked by her boyfriend. He was previously accused of hitting a former girlfriend but had the conviction overturned. He had gotten off because an assault conviction would have potentially damaged his career. He was young and had a bright future ahead of him. Why this was reason to let him off the hook, I will never know. Plenty of people possessing these same characteristics and the same story could never have used such an argument because they are not in the entertainment industry. The 'victim' of his assault was also young with a bright future ahead of her. This did not appear to be as important. Somehow, even after the assault was made public, his career seemed to grow. It is sickening to think that the public attention he received after attacking a woman could have somehow made him more successful. However, perhaps he did deserve a second chance, perhaps he was truly sorry, so people, including me, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, a couple of years later, he has assaulted another beautiful girl. Again, this woman is being strong and public about the incident, but hopefully this time he won't get off so easily.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

How to be a Proper Person or Tribulations in the Real Life of a Hollywood Actress.: A Proper Person.

Hair Propability.

So, after a girl's night out, I dropped by a bar to see two of my male actor friends. One of them, Simon* had been a subject of conversation at the girl's night. The actresses had gotten excited about how gorgeous he was and one of them had even 'bid' on him when he had auctioned himself off for a date for charity. I had texted him to boost his ego and tell him that he was being drooled over. He was delighted. So, imagine my shock when I dropped by the bar to discover that Simon had some new sort of bowl haircut! Instead of keeping my thoughts about his shocking hairstyle to myself, I suddenly found myself blurting them out. "You're hair looks weird," I said. I mean, OK, it wasn't that nice to say so, but I have also told him on numerous occasions that he was extremely handsome. You give and you take, right? Alright, even that doesn't quite make up for it, but I was expecting him to laugh. I did NOT get a laugh, or even a giggle or even a brush off! Instead, I witnessed a man lose his sh*t! His eyebrows furrowed. A deep fiery red began to takeover his face, his jaw clenched, his eyes widened. Satan seemed to be standing in front of me. Simon was nowhere to be seen. The evil, red man, spoke:
"You can't just say that to people!" he hissed. "I mean, F$*k you! Seriously, you have to learn how to talk to people! I can't change it now-can I?"
I, shocked and worried for his emotional safety, of course scrambled some compliments together and lay them upon him. But he could no longer hear me. I have never seen someone so angry in my entire life! The fragility of the actor's ego astounded me. I tried to dig myself out of it. Not a good idea.
"Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to take you down a notch because all the girls were talking you up so much," I, tryingly said.
My good friend Ash* turned to me and said,
"You should probably just stop talking now."
I understood, I was making it worse. I tried to keep my mouth shut. But I couldn't bear his angry eyes. I wanted Simon to come back. My trial exorcism continued.
"You can always change your hair," I added, helpfully.
Oh my God, I should shut up. He exploded.
"Look, I didn't like your hair when you died it brown but I didn't say that to you, did I? DID I"
No, he didn't. In fact, come to think of it, I think he must have lied. OK, OK, point taken, he preferred me as a blonde. I get it. I wasn't offended. I didn't have a hissy fit. It is just hair after all. I told him so and tried to lead by example. See, I can take a hit! Still, the devil stared at me.
In the end, after trying to salvage the situation and failing miserably, I thought it was best if I just cut my losses and moved on. I was there for less that 20 minutes and had caused a lot of damage. Was it really my terrible behavior? Am I really lacking in social graces? I reminded him, as I left, that I must have previously given him a million compliments, to which he responded,
" Once, at Zara's house, by the pool, you said I was handsome."
He snarled through this as though he could barely stand saying it. He looked sad as he remembered this one occasion. A moment of hope? Then he looked angry again. Time to leave. I pretty much ran out of there, hoping that he would forgive me later. All this because of his hair! Sheesh! OVERREACTION! I guess neither of us was a proper person in the situation but then again, we are both actors, so no-one expected us to be. I must try and hang out more with non-actors. This will surely increase my 'propability'.

Personality Plastic Surgery

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I just read that Michael J. Fox is going to do a guest role on 'The Good Wife'. It is amazing how optimistic and dedicated to his profession he is- in spite of his disease. I really admire him. Michael J. Fox has incredible spirit and is a great actor. What an inspiration. I think I may need personality plastic surgery, but Langford told me that it is not possible. This is very depressing news. I still feel a little bit like I am missing a major piece of information. I don't know how to do life 'properly'- I am not a proper person yet! I don't have a disease or any real set-back but for some reason I can't come up with the drive to catapult my career into the heavens! My concern is not that I am lonely or unloved but that I feel like I do not know how to do anything other than act! I am trying to think of new careers or new ways to make money and nothing is coming to me. My mother is trying to schedule my life for me but it just isn't working! I had a film audition today and am friends with the casting director. I had assumed she had asked me to come in specifically but there were two other girls from my agency there! Competition. Although it doesn't really matter if they are from my agency, I have to compete against someone! I think I did a great read. Maybe this is the one.

Proper People in a Proper World

So my day started with my phone ringing at 7.30am. It was a successful actor/producer 'friend' of mine (I have met him once) Fred*. I let it ring out. I knew he had a little crush on me and couldn't think why he would need to speak to me so early in the morning. Next, Zara* started calling and I answered her. She told me she was with Fred*. Great. Before I could explain why I couldn't answer the call, Zara jumped straight in, asking me if I could come and 'help' Fred. I had no idea what kind of 'help' she was talking about, but signed myself up immediately, (as I usually do) thinking that he wanted me to help him film an audition. As I began to ask questions, it was revealed that Fred was searching for a different kind of help, the help that can be found in a proper person. Apparently he was having a nervous breakdown/hangover/drug recovery/depression and couldn't cope with the world. He had a string of important studio meetings and wanted Zara and me to be his assistants for the day. I took all of this in as I brushed my teeth and ran out the door. In the background I heard him shout out- "Tell 'er, tell her I'll pay her three hundred dollars!" I was totally confused about why I was driving over there but Zara needed me to be there too. She was concerned that he was going to do something terrible to himself.

When I arrived, Fred was passed out on the couch and we couldn't wake him, even when we shook him, so we sat out on the balcony and waited. Zara told me that he had been saying ridiculous things all morning, like "you're smart but you can't understand what it's like being me- I'm a genius." And "I think I'm gonna kill myself, OK, I'm not really, I just needed to say it, now I feel better" and "everything is ruined, everything!" and "you girls are 'quality', I've got quantity but no quality". It was all pretty funny, but we also had to treat it seriously, just in case he really was about to go over the edge. Luckily he calmed down and when he finally arose from his sleep he thought we were angels, literally. We both had to run off to auditions and on our way back he called us on the phone to say "please hurry up and come home!" Once we returned, we made him re-schedule his appointments and everything seemed to work out. We picked him up McDonalds, made sure he was OK and at the end of the day we refused to accept any money. It felt like he was trying to pay us for being his friends and that didn't feel right. What a weird day.

I am now about to go out to dinner with my parrot loving, surfer Australian friend who is in town for a few days. I feel like I was a proper person today but I definitely wasn't in a proper world.

Flies cut through the bulls#@t.

I just saw that my agents have signed two new actresses in my age range and type. I am trying to not feel irritated by it but I do feel a little pissed off. I told myself that I was going to be positive today so I am trying to tell myself that this it does not matter. Perhaps it doesn't. Or perhaps this heralds the end of my career! OK, OK, now I'm being dramatic. Do proper people feel this way?

I spent the day helping my actor friend, Tim, film an audition. It was for a really great project with great writing and a dynamic, funny character. Any actor's dream would be to play this role. He dressed up and even went to the lengths of wearing a wig! It was pretty funny and he did a really good job. I really hope his audition sparks some interest- he deserves some.

I just watched my favorite TV show 'Mad Men', which I loved, followed by 'Entourage'- a show that has really gone down hill. Why do porn stars now get to be actors on hot TV shows when they can't even act? Perhaps I should have gone to Porn school instead of Drama school. Good on Sasha Grey for making it this far, but I just don't understand why. After a particularly dull delivery, Turtle announces "she's funny"- excuse me- when? Are we watching the same thing here? 'Mad Men' is full of percolating characters and proper people and is so real that you feel as if you were a fly on the wall. The scripts are tight and subtle. Whereas, the characters in 'Entourage' are consistently placed in barely believable circumstances, have terrible lines to say and if you were a fly on the wall, you would be continuously shouting out "yeah right!"

Do you ever feel like you're going round and round?

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I just ate far too many sweets, jellies, lollies or- well, whatever you call them, they are bad for you and are packed with sugar. They should just be called 'body destroyers' or 'don't eat mees'. I think that would help me stop eating them. I should really get a job in advertising and come up with product names, except I don't think anyone wants a product name that stops people from buying their product. It is OK (not great) that I ate so many lollies because I smashed my body this morning at a circuit class. I've never been to one before and was shocked at how hardcore it is. I mean, I run a lot- but this is insane! My lovely girlfriend, Amelia* has been going there a lot and I think she is looking really good but she thinks she has seen no improvement- and yet, she continues to put herself through this ordeal! I am not quite sure if I am going to go again. I kept getting confused and just when I would work out how to do an exercise, I would have to move to the next one. If I was a proper person I would probably cope better. The fact that I get confused in a circuit workout is alarming to me, but what can I say? Maybe I am just uncoordinated or maybe I am just not a proper person. In this case it could be better to claim the lesser crime of being uncoordinated. Amelia always strikes me as a proper person because she is always so together and organized and happy and well-balanced. She works full-time AND manages to squeeze in these workouts AND pay her bills and organize her life. Sometimes I really feel like it is so hard just being a person and yet she seems to have a good grasp of it. My mother really likes her. Maybe she is hoping some of Amelia's 'properness' will rub off on me. I sure hope so.

Wrinkle Woes and Actor's Lows.

I just saw the deepest wrinkle under my eye! How did it get there? It seems to have tripled over night! It is now similar to the grand canyon which is beautiful in real life but not on people's faces! I can't believe it. What am I going to do? I quickly applied some Nivea Q10 under-eye cream but it is still there! Do any of these creams actually work? This is very depressing. Why do we have to age? The weirdest thing about being young is that you never even notice that you don't have wrinkles so you don't appreciate your cavern-free skin. Suddenly you are hit with it from about 26 on and then it all goes downhill. Luckily, my mother looks fantastic so I shouldn't worry too much but I don't understand how this tiny wrinkle has suddenly become more obvious! Perhaps I just drunk too much wine last night. I hope so. I hope it will pop back into shape so that I continue acting. Who is going to hire a girl with a canyon on her face? I know, I know,...someone who appreciates fine acting. I get it. But we all want to look nice too.

Had coffee with my actor friend Tim today. Tim was feeling pretty depressed and was near tears for most of the conversation because he felt like he had done some terrible acting in his guest star role on a hot TV show. I asked him how I could know that what he was saying was true. Had anyone told him that he sucked? No. Had anyone responded to him weirdly? No. Had he heard people whispering 'he's terrible' as he performed? No. But he was convinced. His eyes welled with tears and he pulled his hair with his hands as he announced, in anguish, that he should quit acting. At this point I burst out laughing and did an imitation of him. 'Just look at what a cliched actor you are being', I said. Luckily he laughed too. I don't think he is really going to quit but actors are such fragile creatures and go through a moment like that pretty frequently. They never follow through with it. That is why I like them so much-they are hilarious! I guess I am like that too. Of course when I am being like that, it is deadly serious and not funny at all. I know you must be terribly concerned about my wrinkle. I better re-moisturize right now, it is deepening as I write. Arghhh!

How Far Have I Run?

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Do you ever stop and wonder how the hell you got to where you are? Sometimes when I take that moment it really blows my hair back. I suddenly realize I'm not a multi-millionaire right now, I'm not a famous actress, I'm not a famous writer, I'm not the CEO of a successful company-my God, I'm not even married! Then I fall down. It's just too much for my small brain to comprehend- especially the stuff about being a CEO- who know's where that came from? The title just sounds good, doesn't it? I guess I could be CEO of this blog, right?

How did I get here? It has been about 10 months since I started shooting the horror film I did last year and the bank balance is looking pretty empty. I may have to fall back on an old profession to build it back up. NO! Not being a prostitute! I meant a profession I had before. I've done all the normal things like waitress and babysit, I hosted at restaurants, worked as a promo girl, wrote for a local magazine, was a football reporter and talent scout and drama teacher and private coach. I've also had some weird jobs. I used to work for a Private Investigation Agency, writing reports for Detectives who followed scummy people and tried to catch them out. I wrote for a local Fishing Newspaper where my stoned boss would come up with conspiracy theories about the fishing industry and try to seduce with me with oysters kilpatrick. To be honest, I had fun doing the jobs, and the oysters were pretty good but I always went back to acting. I never really felt like a proper person in the other jobs whereas in acting I didn't feel the need to be a proper person. No one is proper in the acting industry. I guess that's why I always felt so comfortable.

I just started reading a book called 'Loving What Is', by Byron Katie. She talks about how all of our frustration, stress and pain is cause by a denial of what is and a wish for things to be different. She says that if we can come around to fully understanding and accepting what is real and true in the current moment then we can be released from the thoughts that hold us back from peace and happiness. So, for example, I could be released from the thought that I should be more successful right now if I just accept that right now I am an actress looking for work and I am as successful as I am. There is no more I 'should' be, I just am as I am. She says that it is not the actual circumstance that is causing you pain, but your thoughts around that circumstance. The thoughts start to control you and make you feel stressed because they constantly criticize the current moment. I think that she explains all of this very well but I still wish she had a section that said, 'how to become very rich in two weeks or less'. Someone should write a book called that. I am sure they would be a best-seller in no time.

Magic carpets come and go.

Just when I thought I was about to become a proper person and start working again, the rug was pulled from under my feet. A bit of unsettling news yesterday. I thought I had an acting job only to discover that I was not approved by the network executives even though I was the producers' and director's choice. I guess you could say it was slightly depressing. Now I am supposed to ramp myself up and get very excited about a role in a silly film that I can hardly bring myself to work on. The character has a scene where some guy snorts blow off her breasts. That, my friends, is another fine example of the wonderful female roles they are writing for actresses. That audition is tomorrow.

Since I last blogged, I have done so many things. I am now actually slightly more of a proper person than I was before. Can you tell why? I have been approved by the US government as a permanent resident! I am now the proud holder of a green card and can stay living in this country. This was a huge relief as I was very stressed not knowing whether I would have to stay or go. In work news, I screen-tested on a film that I love. No news yet. In life news, I went to New York for a week with Langford. We had such a wonderful time, roaming the streets and going to plays and catching up with friends. I was lucky enough to see 'Lend Me a Tenor' starring Anthony La Paglia and Tony Shaloub. They both delivered hilarious performances. I also caught 'The Bachelorette' at The Second Stage Theater and admired Fran Kranz's performance.

One of the other things that happened was that I thought I was going to die. Seriously. I was in a dress shop when a shoplifter started attacking the store girl. Suddenly, everyone was screaming and the shoplifter ( a rabid, crazy haired woman) bit through the finger right to the bone of another customer and sprayed blood everywhere. She was strangling the shop girl and another customer tried to hit her on the head. I then pushed the clothes rack on to her in an effort of heroism but it didn't really do anything. Finally, she left and ran down the street. I was very shaken by the whole experience. I spent some time at the Soho House pool to calm down.

I am also trying to think of scripts and stories to tell and ways to make money. I will let you know if I suddenly become a millionaire, but hopefully, I'll be a proper person first.

Acting and Kazakhstan.

Langford is in Kazakhstan. I am alone. I would have liked to go to Kazakhstan too but I am still bound to US soil while I wait for my greencard to come through. He is having an adventure and meeting lots of famous people at a film festival where he is a screenwriting finalist. I hope he wins the whole competition! Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am still pursuing my dream of once again being a working actor. There have been a couple of promising events in the last week that may lead me closer to my goal. My Australian agent has been on fire and has helped organised two great opportunities for me. Last week I spent two days being a reader in the screentest for two male actors contending for the lead role in an Australian feature film. I had a lot of fun as we got to workshop and play with the material and be directed! I'm reminding myself of the dinosaur character in the new TOY STORY movie who keeps saying "Will we get played with??? Oh please play with me!" Actors love to be directed. I spent 2 hours workshopping with each actor. They were both so different and made such different choices each time. I loved seeing the scene shift and flow into different areas. I hope the second guy gets the role because he is slightly older and therefore there is more chance that I would have a shot at the female roles in the script. He is more like a man whereas the other guy is just trying to become one. I got to spend a lot of time chatting to the director, writer and producer and hopefully they will think of me later in the casting process. That was Wednesday and Thursday. On Tuesday I spent the day operating camera for my casting director friends casting session. The main thing I realised from watching all the actresses audition was that they were all pretty good and only one or two of them were really excellent. In my terribly paranoid actor's mind I start thinking that I have done an embarrassing audition and I know that other actor's feel the same, but I see that mostly that is not the case. Only very rarely does an actor really embarrass themselves.

On Friday I had a great meeting with the director and producer of a film set to be done in Australia and written by a friend of mine. The director is a great guy and really funny. We talked about the script and character and now I am doing a screentest tomorrow. There is still a lot of work to be done. There are 11 pages of script to tackle for the screentest and I hope to be able to rehearse with an actor today. It is a wonderful role in a romantic comedy. I ask the universe and the magic of acting to infuse me with light and humour so that I deliver an excellent reading tomorrow! This is a great opportunity for me.

I wish I could talk to Langford. Just calling him yesterday was a huge debacle. The woman at the front desk didn't really speak English and couldn't understand what I was saying. I kept repeating the room number and she just said. "He not there. You call later." Then she hung up on me! I was determined, so of course I called again. Her new response. "The phone in his room not working! You understand! You call another time." I told her that Langford was in the room because he was texting me at that very moment. I don't think she understood but finally I got speak to Langford! He was having a funny time so far, having been invited on an excursion to Kazakhstan's version of 'Chenobyl'. "It's very dangerous and nuclear waste, our version of Chernobyl- would you like to go?" Langford politely declined.

It has stopped raining now so I will go for a little walk. As only proper people do.

The Devil and Auditions. And Cars.

Woke up after having a terrible dream that a successful actor I know tried to buy my car (at my end of lease buy out option) and succeeded. Suddenly I wished I had bought the car and felt a terrible sense of regret. In my mind, this is a clear sign that the universe is telling me that I should purchase my Honda instead of turning it back in to the lease agents. My boyfriend's mother may be more skeptical. She is a born again Christian and was telling me the other day, that you have to be discerning when receiving 'messages' because they could be from God or from the Devil. She also thinks that the only way you could possibly know this is by inviting Jesus into your life. I explained that I felt I had a pretty good sense of whether something was good or evil myself. She re-iterated that I couldn't really know unless I had Jesus there. For example if I saw a ghost (which I have) I think I would be able to tell if it was just a hanging around ghost (good) or a ghost with bad intent (evil). But according to born agains, I have not. I have seen both presences and knew in an instant. Apparently the Devil is very good at 'tricking' though, so following this line of logic, it is quite possible that the Devil created my dream to make buying the car seem like a good idea and that in fact, it would be a terrible idea to buy my car because it could break down any second. The Devil, however, would delight in this outcome because he would have succeeded in f$%king me over. Reasonable? I guess the Devil may have some interest in pursuing this line of activity, just for fun. I am going to stick with my original interpretation though.

Yesterday, I went for a run, got a stitch halfway through and hobbled home. I don't know why I am struggling on my runs right now. I will have create a bootcamp for myself next week, or the week after... or... well, there's a lot going on right now! I had a coffee with a lovely producer friend of mine from Australia and we were interrupted by my friend Tim, who I was meant to help do an audition in the afternoon, but constantly kept changing his mind about whether we should do it a studio or at Steve's house. Seeing actor's in this anxious state is really quite funny. I think my girlfriend found it funny too. I warned him that Steve may have said that he had the lights and camera equipment, but that his kitchen was always very messy and had ants in it and I wouldn't necessarily arrive at the conclusion that the audition would be as professional as at a studio. I asked is Steve had a blue sheet to hang behind, as it looked good on camera. Apparently he could pull the one from his bed. Hmmm, in light of this information, I did suggest the studio option, even though it was much more expensive, but in the end we were at Steve's. Tim was worried when we arrived because Tim hadn't even set up the lights, he did, however have a screwed up blue sheet lying on the floor....hmmmm. Helpful? In the face of this we did eventually get it all done. Steve insisted on filming Tim with a hand held in the first scene and at the end of take 101 (phew!), we sat and watched and discovered, to our horror, that Steve's camera work wasn't quite as still as he would have us believe. We didn't really want to tell Tim because we really didn't want to do it again. Luckily Tim deemed the camera work OK, but of course sat in despair and suffering about his own acting, feeling that it wasn't 'good enough' that there was 'something missing' in his performance.
"Don't cry," I said jokingly.
Suddenly he looked like he really was going to cry. Oh my goodness- actor's are hilarious. Steve and I then went on a tirade of giving compliments until Tim finally felt it was OK and sent it to his agents. MY GOD! I know that I have inflicted this very same pain on many of my acting friends but it is funny to be on the other end. We finished by going out to dinner in Venice and Tim bought us all dinner which was nice. My producer girlfriend from earlier in the day came along too. Tim got the number of a girl at the restaurant and I think that helped him feel good and recover from the anxiety of his audition.

On Friday, I had helped my other friend, Peter, put his audition down on tape and at the end he had decided not to send it because he thought the light was hitting the bag under his left eye too harshly. This is what I'm talking about. I told him that he was nuts, that he looked great, that I certainly hadn't noticed any such bag and that his performance was really good. On Saturday he texted me that he had re-watched it and realised it was actually a pretty well done audition. Yes, these are the men I hang around with and they are not gay. Thank God for Langford! I love these friends but actors are a lot to handle. I am exactly the same though and know I have driven my actor friends nuts saying, 'just one more take', 'do I look OK, do I look GOOD?

Friday night I went out to dinner with Peter and a friend of his who is PA to a major star. She was a really cool girl and thought that every question I asked her was funny. She kept calling me 'interesting'. It was a little weird. Anyway we saw the movie TOY STORY 3 which was great. I cried, I laughed, I felt wholesome. The woman next to Peter asked him if he had brought any kids. "I'm the kid," he responded. I guess we all are.

Today I did an amazing audition for a great project. Yippee. The casting director called me a treasure, a great actress and said I delivered the scene with perfect comic timing and the exact right energy. She was astounded that she had never seen or heard of me before and asked me many questions. Today I was proper person! I ask the universe and the magic of acting to lovingly guide me through my audition tomorrow for it is another project I truly love. Nuff said.

Yesterday I locked myself in Zara and Kingston's study for four hours so that I could read a script and rehearse and prepare my scenes for Monday's fabulous audition. I am very excited to go in and read tomorrow for a lead role in a big comedy. I pray to the universe and to the magic of acting to lovingly guide me through tomorrow's audition so that I do the best audition ever. As I rehearsed and taped myself speaking on my iphone so that I could act with myself, I chomped on a beautiful ham and cheese crepe that Kingston had made for me. When I finally emerged from Zara and Kingston's study, I could smell an amazing chicken curry that was sitting on Zara's dining room table. How could I resist? I sat with them and another couple from the complex and delighted in the fine food. I finally convinced myself to leave but Zara was begging me to stay another night. She offered to blow dry my hair in the morning, tuck me in, feed me more pancakes, read lines with me in the morning AND use some of her Kate Sommerville deep tissue repair cream. I didn't want to tell her that I had already snuck a little bit around my eyes when I was in the bathroom. In the end I did not stay for a second night because I missed Langford too much.

Right now, I feel stuffed to the brim. I also feel angry at the waitress who served me at my friend's going away dinner. She forced me to order way more than I wanted to and now I feel financially and emotionally ripped off. As soon as I sipped my last drop of wine she was right on top of me, asking, no demanding that I have another glass-I didn't even get a chance to think! She also 'highly recommended' the zucchini flowers with shrimp. I got tempted. I swayed. Originally I wasn't even going to have an appetizer! This woman was convincing, I tell you. I, in turn, forced the guy who I was sitting next to share it with me. The appetizer took ages to come out and by that time I had already eaten two pieces of bread (or was it 3?). It was deep fried and not at all like the light batter I had imagined. When I had finally managed to scoff this down, my MASSIVE sheperd's pie arrived. How much does this woman expect me to eat? I ate less than 1/8th of it. I felt very annoyed. How could she have recommended I get an appetizer AS WELL? AND I am a very big eater too. Anyway, the dinner was nice, mainly so I could say goodbye to Alice, a British girl that I met in the supermarket in Santa Monica. I actually sat next to the guy who I did that short film with a few weeks ago. I was sad to say goodbye to Alice, even though I haven't spend much time with her recently. She is a great girl.

This morning I watched Australia get thrashed by Germany in the World Cup at Soho house. It was pretty depressing. The good part was that we watched it at Soho House and that I was the one who organised many people to come and see it. We ate breakfast and drank coffee and champagne as we sobbed. Afterwards we went upstairs to the olive garden and ate some lunch. I had JD, my casting director friend, a bunch of actors and the usual crew. I then left them early to do more work on my script. I got Zara's keys and drove to her house so I could rehearse by myself. When Zara and Kingston finally returned home a couple of hours later, Zara ran straight to the bathroom and threw up. Evidently one to many russian mules.

I am very tired and must now go to sleep on that very full stomach. I am still mad at the waitress. When I asked for a take home box, she suggested they do it for me. I said I'd prefer to put it in myself - who knows what they do to it back in the kitchen? As she walked off to get it, she said, under her breath, "its very hard." Oh, really. How hard can it be to put food into a box, I mean come on! She presented me with a box and I scraped my food into it. Presto. I guess I am a proper person after all. I can scrape food into boxes. Yippee!!

I stayed the night at my dearest friend, Zara's house last night. I have woken up on her incredibly comfy sofa feeling pretty nice. We had a few drinks last night and I didn't think it was a good idea to drive from west Hollywood. Our. Very good friend, Lilly, was back in town. Lilly is an actress who was in a massive blockbuster, had a bit of time where she hasn't been working, but now finds herself jumping back in with a a string of movies about to come out. She is back in town for a costume fitting before she flies off to Russia to shoot. It was really good to see her, but sometimes she seems unaware of the fact that Zara and I are not currently working. She sometimes
tells us that she can't be 'bothered' to do an audition that we have strived to get. Those are moments where Zara and I look each other with deep understanding. Apart from these moments, Lilly is a delight. She is very bright and fun to be around. The three of us and Kingston, enjoyed some wine and cheese before we walked across the road for sushi. We talked quite a lot about Lilly's dramatic life and relationship. She says she has finally realized that she is an 'enabler' to her drug addicted boyfriend. Apparently she has been going to a support group for 'enablers.' I don't know, it seems so hollywood but Lilly seems happy with her new description so let it be.

I woke up early and went for a run. I managed to fit in blow drying my hair and doing
my make-up before making it over to Universal City for my audition. I was auditioning for an Australian character in a TV show. I had already auditioned for it earlier in the year and now they are replacing the girl that they cast. I was disappointed that it was a pre-read. This is when there is no camera in the room. Especially since I had already pre-read on it last round. Weird. I didn't let it annoy me though. I chatted with the casting director. She said I looked so much like my photo.I told her that this may have something to do with the fact that I was wearing the exact same singlet as in the picture. She laughed and then told me that I should wear that singlet to all of my auditions. She also said she loved my dark hair ( remember, I used to be blonde) and that it looked great with my pale skin and blue eyes. We read the scene once and she said she only wanted me to change one line. She liked the rest of it, she said, and just wanted to see it again. So, I did it again. I was hoping that she liked it but I wasn't sure, however we talked for ages and she said I reminded her of Naomi Watts. This seemed to be a good thing, although I was auditioning for a comedic role. I then had a long chatvwith her about her clthes designing career which she did on the side. Even though we made a great connection, I fear it has little to do with whether or not I got the part but I walked out feeling good. I also have two great auditions next week so I am excited. Today we are all of to a producer's house to watch USA v Uk in the world cup soccer. Should be a fun morning. Is it proper? Well, maybe if you don't drink beer before 11am.

Flying out the Window.

I'm at Soho house after watching Brett Easton Ellis talk. I love his books. I loved Less than Zero, it brings up the same existential questions as Albert Camus' 'The Outsider'. My favourite is 'Glamorama' because it is a seemingly superficial satire on the world of celebrity and lulls you into a false sense of security and while you are laughing it pounces on you. Wake up! It is now a conspiracy thriller. Or at least, it seems to be. I get nervous at these open discussions but even I managed to ask him a question. We were given free drinks and snacks as we listened to a handful of cool actresses read from one of his novels. I bumped into casting director at the event and had a great chat with him.

I had an audition for a film about metaphysics today and had spent a lot of time rehearsing with my sister in my mother's hotel room. My mother even tried to direct me. Her key director's note? 'Now make me feel amazing!' No pressure, mother. In the end the audition was OK. Not great, certainly not AMAZING!
I had a delicious breakfast at Huckleberry in Santa Monica. I have been with my mother and sister constantly. I think the proper person is flying out the window and turning into coffee shop actress. Oh dear.

Awards show or family?

Today was meant to be easy and all about Langford. He had an awards show and is being honoured for his script. His mother had flown in from England especially and arrived 5 days beforehand in order to tackle her jet lag. Somehow the day became about trying to work out when my mother and sister were arriving because they had suddenly decided to come to LA and wanted to come to the awards show but both of their flights got delayed and canceled which meant that they were now arriving at the time we were meant to be at the event. Stress. Langford begged to know why my family were always capable of causing drama but I could not reveal the secret that his been handed down, generation to generation, because I do not know it. It is just ingrained in our blood. In the end some strict decisions had to be made. My sister was going to be able to make it just in time, but we could not wait for my mother. So off we went.

The ceremony was great and Langford looked wonderful up on the screen, talking about his screenplay. Actors then performed a reading of a key scene and the audience responded really well, laughing at all the appropriate moments. A top Hollywood writer came up to Langford and told him that he was really talented and by far the best. Aferwards we ate under the stars on the UCLA campus and my sis and I ate a lot. We talked to writers and professors and then we headed home. On the way home we dropped my sister at the hotel and had a cup of hot chocolate with my mother who had just arrived. It all worked out in the end and Langford's mother had a great evening seeing her son up on screen and winning a star award. What a star.

Fantasy Hair

I feel good today, not much to report.
Hopefully I can keep this one short.
I worked all day on a fantasy script
And did my hair for a little bit.
Fantasy costume is very important,
For ladies the hairstyles are really quite dominant.

So, I probably spent a little long on my hair which isn't the most proper thing to do BUT I spent the whole day working on the script and rehearsed the scene a lot. I listened to themed music and made up a back story for my character and I think the results were pretty good. Langford was very helpful and even put it down on tape with me. I think Langford is a pretty good actor. Zara agreed. She had been told by her manager to 'never use' her boyfriend again when putting down an audition on tape. Ahh, poor Kingston. My friend, Sam was very helpful as he is the reader on this project and knows the inside word on what the producers are looking for. He seemed to like what I did. I think I was quite like a proper person today because I did a lot of work and today is Sunday! I also ran 5 km this morning, bumped into my friend Tim on the run and watched the movie 'Elf' starring Will Ferrell which was adorably funny. My mother and sister are arriving tomorrow and Langford has an awards ceremony. Exciting! OK. I know what you're thinking; dressing up as an Elf for a fantasy movie and then watching a comedy about Elves and listening to music all day and doing your hair is, let's face it, not really what a proper person would do. But I think, because it qualifies as 'work' for me, this should be taken into serious consideration when judging whether I am a proper person or not. Thank you.

Meltdown

Feeling a little bit out of the loop with the acting thing. I am currently trying to prepare four different projects, none of which have asked to see me. I am on an uphill battle of convincing someone that I am right for some job. It is quite depressing. After all the years of work and rehearsal you would think I would be in a better position. Unfortunately I am still hustling for every opportunity. Nevertheless, I have determination! I shall persist!

Just as I was writing that, Zara called me. She asked me if I was OK. She said that she thought that I hadn't seemed like myself the last few days. Immediately tears welled in my eyes and I choked up. It took about 30 seconds for me to answer her.
"I just feel like its so hard," I said, as I started to cry.
That was about all I could muster for the next minute as the tears tumbled down. Zara launched ahead with enthusiastic stories about my greatness. She said everything one needs to hear in such moments. I was so shocked that I had broken down into tears. I had felt OK a moment before but I obviously had a lot weighing on my mind. I needed to lift it from me so that I could again feel the joy of working on the scripts I have. Zara reminded me about the joy we need to feel when we prepare but I was telling her that I couldn't feel the joy, only the stress. I knew it was my mind taking over but the circumstances did not look good. Zara had had two auditions for projects that I really wanted to get in on and I told her that this had upset me. She understood and reminded me to fight and reminded me of all the things I had achieved in my career. I was still emotional but I felt a lot better and ready to tackle things. Langford then came in and told me to talk quietly because his mum was trying to sleep. I thought his mum had been downstairs the whole time which is why I had closed the window to keep the sound down and was now sweating in the heat. I am still hot. I should probably open the window.

Today I read a script, went for two walks, cooked a great lunch of pasta bolognaise, learned lines for an additional scene and continued working on the other scene and had a mini-breakdown. Proper rating? 1 star.

Wonderful night.

We arrived at dinner last night at 8.05pm. The start time requested was 8.00pm. We didn't really want to be the first to arrive so we hung in the car for a further 5 minutes and tried to find something cool to sing to on the radio ( as you do ). There was nothing good on the radio, a situation which forced us to enter the house whether we were first or not.

We peered into the open doorway of the amazing square box state of the art house, and saw a long table set with wine glasses. OOOh, quite a lot of people coming it seemed. We hoped that the people would be nice and that our host ( who we really didn't know that well ) was hospitable and kind. We walked into the cool and rather cold house with its views over Hollywood and called out, "hello?" Our host, Jim*, the screenwriter of a movie I was in, greeted us followed by an adorable little giggly person, his 3 year old daughter who clung to his leg for dear life. She was so small and happy and ridiculously cute that even Langford started to feel a little clucky. Perhaps he was really imagining his own life in this oh so cool house, as a successful writer with a maid in the kitchen and the fruit of his loins adoring his every move. The wife was not there. Hopefully he didn't add that part of the story into his wish fulfillment.

Jim poured us a glass of his home-made punch which was really quite strong and the other guests quickly arrived. I was very pleased to see a friend amongst the new arrivals. James* is a successful screenwriter who I had met through another acting friend and been out with on a number occasions with said friend, let's call him Tony*. Once, I had taken Tony to a party and he had insisted on bringing James. To my dismay, when I picked them up, Tony was very drunk and very loud and so I instantly told James that upon arrival at the party I would introduce him (James) as my main friend and Tony as James' friend that I didn't know very well ( instead of the other way round- don't you just love brackets and their clarification use?).

Anyway, back to last night. I was happy for Langford to meet James as he is a great guy and in the same industry. James had brought along his surprisingly delightful Irish girlfriend, Meg*, who is a model turned actress. She had actually been at the same audition as me the day before. We had also both auditioned for 'Sex and the City 2' (which I saw the other night and thought was OK) and I explained to her that the size of the girl's breasts who got the role meant that it was never a possibility for either of us. We got a long very well. There was a slightly older pretty actress there who was lovely and various other people who I didn't get to connect with. There was another writer that I had met before and when we finally sat down, at the very long table with cold slate seating benches, I was between him and Langford. Meg and James sat next to Langford. Jim was nearby. Opposite us were a man and woman I hadn't met. I quickly introduced myself and they said their names. I was a little taken aback by the energy of the woman who had a posh affected air and introduced herself with a disappointed breath, a limp hand and a plummy British accent, "Elizabeth*". Weird. Everyone else had been so open and friendly and I observed her introducing herself to other people to see if she said her name with the same wet fish manner. Yes, she did. So, OK, it wasn't personal she was just stuck-up.

I was then back in conversation with Meg and James and Evan* the writer I was sitting next to. He has a movie about to go into production. When I finally got back to the people opposite me I tried to engage them in conversation.
I said, "so, it's John and Deborah?"
"Elizabeth," she scowled.
"Oh yes, sorry, Elizabeth , so how do you know Jim?"
"Through Evan," answered John.
Evan then stated telling a story about Lindsay Lohan and cocaine and Langford said he'd read about it and Elizabeth said, "oooh, stop, I was there, its soooo gossipy."
OK. Everyone already knows because it was broadcast on every station, but OK.
"So Elizabeth, what brought you to America?" I asked with genuine interest.
"You ask sooo many questions, I can't..."
Oh my God! She was so rude!
"Well, actually, this is the first question I am asking you directly."
She responded by just ignoring me and doing another sour, disappointed breath. Must be hard being her. I was shocked by her response but realised that she must have some major issues and didn't bother myself with it. John then told us that he had met 'lady Elizabeth' through his old apartment complex. Aha, so she is a 'lady', she certainly didn't behave like one, but it explained a little bit of why she thought she was so important. She had an electric cigarette with a fake diamond in the end which she smoked. She had actually designed this particular one and was quite proud of it. Langford asked her a question to which she responded again;
"You ask tooooo many questions."
"I'm sorry Elizabeth but how are you expected to get to know or make conversation without asking questions?" Good call Langford.
"Oh, sorry, long day," she said in her plummy, disdainful way.
Langford got her talking about her cigarettes and then just when she was getting really into it, he said, "Enough with the cigarettes now, I'm bored". HAH! HA! She quickly crawled back into her decaying shell. I know its not nice but this 'lady' was a piece of work.
When she was saying that she had smoked for 15 years, a little piece of me was dying to say "yes, and it shows," but I sent her white light instead, (tick for a proper person) knowing she must be pretty sad to be so rude to everybody.

As soon as she had snivelled out the door, Meg and James were bursting to share with us their stories of her. They had met her a number of times, even driven her home when she was drunk, and she had never remembered them- even ignored them at a party once and once, they had said hi and she turned her back to them leaving her hair dangling in James's drink. They really thought she was a bitch. I have not met such a character in a long time and it was very funny to see a woman like this, in action. As we left, I realised an actress friend who was in a TV show with me, was there but had only come for 20 minutes. We had a quick re-connect as we headed out the door. Langford and I were home by 11.30 and had had a wonderful night.

Thank you, Curell.

I set the alarm for 6.45 but then I lay in Langford's arms until 7.15. Finally I managed to convince myself to go for a run and run I did. I quickly ( in a very long shower ) washed my hair and ran off to miracle class, remembering to grab a muffin on the way. I ate my zucchini muffin in the car and managed to arrive only 5 minutes late. Jo welcomed me with sparkly eyes, as always, and a delicious cup of hot black coffee. I really like the coffee she makes, I confess that it might be nicer than ours ( and we have a state of the art nespresso maker ). Jo's mother was in town and joined the group. We opened with a beautiful meditation, visualising golden light flowing through each of our chakras and clearing our souls. I always feel so happy when I am doing this but my mind is like a 2 year old toddler, constantly interrupting and demanding my attention.
" What about your car?" It says to me. " You can't get an audition for 'The Hobbit'- you must be very bad!"
It constantly interrupts my peace. I respond by imagining my little voice as an angry black witch and lift her on to a boat and sail her out to sea. Unfortunately, she has good projection and her evil voice is still able to reach me sometimes. Imagine having to contend with this in a meditation! Can you believe it? I guess we are all always fighting the voice in our head.

After miracle class I raced home to get ready for a TV commercial audition. I curled my hair and my eyelashes ( every bit counts ) and I put make up on and a 1960's vintage dress. Langford and his mother approved my appearance before I left. The audition was for a moisturiser called 'Curell'. There was only one line of dialogue: " thank you, Curell." Auditionees were then expected to answer impromptu questions about how it feels to have soft skin. This was pretty deep and complex stuff and required preparation. Langford's mother suggested that it feels like you have 'life in your skin' when it is moisturised. I thought that was fantastic. What a great line. I was definitely going to use it. When the casting director asked me what it was like to have soft skin, I acted as though I had just suddenly thought of it-"it feels like I have life in my skin". I was shocked when he didn't stop filming, look up to me and say "wow, great line,". I was, luckily, able to recover from this shock and move quickly on, saying I felt attractive and sexy etc. Then you were supposed to twirl around, jump on the couch and pretend as though you were about to call your girlfriend and gossip. I did all of this with a vengeance, (jumping and twirling are my fortes) and then finished up on the couch stroking my luscious legs when suddenly he looked at me and gave me the nod. I couldn't understand why he was nodding- what was I supposed to do now? Hadn't I fulfilled the requirements? I looked piercingly into his eyes for the answer and suddenly I remembered that I hadn't said the one line. Great. So with a look of sudden realisation, I gazed into the camera and said, 'thank you, Curell." I really don't know if that was the vibe they were going for. I then said that I had forgotten about the line while he was still recording and then he made me say it 2 more times. Can you believe that? And I thought some of the girls in the waiting room didn't look too smart- I can't even remember to say one line! Oh well, even if I am not a proper person, its all pretty funny really. Tonight I am going to dinner at the writer of one of my movies house. I am very curious to see what it will be like and who the other people will be. I will let you know tomorrow.

First.

I was first in the line at the immigration center, this morning. I felt very organised and proud of myself. I then had a nightmare moment when I realised I hadn't brought my social security number with me! Oh no! Would this first place be a waste? I ran to my car and quickly tried to call Langford to see if he could read me my number from my wallet, but of course he was still asleep and wasn't answering his phone. Great. I couldn't even think of anyone else to call who had the number on file. I was getting hot. I took off my jacket. I started to sweat on my upper lip (which is something my body loves to do). Then the guard came to let us in. I waved to Esther ( the girl who was in the line next to me ) to go ahead and take my place but she waited, so I quickly ran back to the guard and confessed my sins.
"You don't need your social security," he said. "You just need your Alien number."
Well, of course I had that weird number. So I was OK. Luckily I was a somewhat proper alien. I then got fingerprinted and they took my photo. I was very annoyed about that because I hadn't planned for the photo and my hair needed a wash, to be honest. I would have put some make-up on, but in the end, I guess it doesn't matter how crap I look on my greencard, as long as I have the greencard. Hopefully I will have it in my little hands soon.

I then had to pick up a birthday parcel from my sister from the post office. Guess who was first in line? Yup! Me. Again. Pretty amazing. I waited while the decrepit old staff opened the office 10 minutes past the opening time and excitedly took home my parcel. My beloved sister had got me a beautiful silk dress. What a treat! It fit me really well. I then went to the bank and then got a coffee from my favourite coffee shop. I, again, bumped into my X at the coffee shop. Had a quick chat which was nice before I rushed home to bake muffins for Langford's mother. She arrived today. I decided to bake half savory and half sweet. Just when I was about to mix in the banana and blueberries, I realised that the oven wasn't working. With increasing frustration and deep despair ( in line with the situation at hand ) I called Langford who was having breakfast with MY friend. I then babbled on about the oven whilst trying to find the pilot light. I then realised that Langford had passed me onto my friend Steve, who had no idea why I was talking about a chopstick with a flame on it. Why does making muffins always seem to cause drama for me? I stuck it through it and made a beautiful batch. Half blueberry and banana and half zucchini and sun-dried tomatoes and cheese.

I had lunch with a girlfriend who was in a TV show with me and we had a great chat. I was telling her that my boyfriend's 'born again Christian' mother was coming into town and she said, "I'm a born again too!" I was surprised to hear this as I had no idea that she was at all. I guess it opened me up to it a little more, as this girl is so 'cool'. I then went home to meet Langford's mum for the first time, swinging by the supermarket to buy salmon and sunflowers. I lit candles in all the rooms and quickly hid my spell books and tarot cards. The time arrived. There she was. The verdict? Langford's mother is a delight. She is so warm and friendly and she really liked my muffins which definitely gives her 100 points. I think we will have a nice time over the next 3 weeks. She then went to sleep as she was jet-lagged and Langford and I went for a walk along the ocean park and then I cooked salmon with kejap manis sauce and roasted asparagus. For desert I made caramelised banana with a little ice cream. I had never made the caramelized bananas before but remember watching my mother do it many times. All of the food was perfection. I am off to rest my head now, happy in the knowledge that as proof of my growing ability to be proper, I was first in the line at immigration and at the post office.*

*Please ignore the fact that I was not first in the line at the bank. This was not a necessary place to be first.

GOOD NEWS DAY

I woke up a little stressed. My mind always jumps ahead of me to catastophise all future events. I was worried about my greencard again. Then, Langford forces me into the moment by demanding my attention. He is very good at not letting me drift away. Langford opened his mailbox to find a rather nice email from a friend of his who has become a friend of mine. Said friend was telling us that he was putting my name forward with good recommendation for a film that he wrote. This was nice news to hear and may have some effect on my chances of getting the part. Next subject to tackle was who, out of Langford and me, had the right to get their car serviced. We had both decided that today was the optimal day, and yet one of us needed to keep our car. Langford argued that I shouldn't have left mine to the last minute and that I should have done it last week when I was 'swanning around at the Thai town markets'. I simply responded by calling Langford a bastard and reminding him that he must be some kind of terrible person. I then said I would 'take my car by myself and catch a cab home!' We then laughed at the ridiculousness of our conversation/argument-as we luckily, always do. Langford won. So we took his car in and then had breakfast at this really cool rustic diner- 'S and W county diner'- in Culver City. I was shocked that the bill for our breakfast was $11.79. That is for 2 breakfasts, my friend. We have obviously been eating at far too expensive restaurants! We must endeavour to hang out at diners more often. Then we did a massive grocery shop to prepare for Langford's mother's arrival. She is coming in tomorrow and staying for 3 weeks! YIKES! I think it is going to be really fun! (N.B. Langford reads this.)
I had a stress about my visa because it affects my US driver's license and (I thought) my insurance. However, I rang my insurance today and it is fine! I am still covered and I don't have to pay any extra! YAY! OOOOOh, the relief. Then, more good news!! I received my finger print appointment for my visa! This means I am very close to getting it! AND I also got a belated birthday present from my fabulous brother- BEAUTIFUL YSL products. How lucky I am today. We are now off to the cinema to see Sex and the City- or rather- I am watching that with Zara and Langford is watching something else!

BBQ

It is the end of memorial day weekend. For the first time since living in the US for 3 years, I actually really felt a part of the holiday weekend and actually felt like it was a long weekend and not just another day of no work. This is partly because I had such a big party on Friday and also because we went to a number of parties over the weekend. Last night( Sunday ), my beautiful friend Lilly offered me a free ticket to go and see The Flight of the Conchords at the Hollywood Bowl. Lilly had become friends with Jemaine, one of the stars, and so we had great seats very near to the stage! Lilly had prepared a cheese plate and I bought a bottle of wine. We met another friend of Jemaine's, a Kiwi musician and a young British actress. They sat a few rows behind us. The vibe was great and I couldn't really fathom how the two stars of Flight of the Conchords had become such a huge success and had sooooo many people at their concert, until I saw their show. I have to say that it was truly a great experience. They were very funny and I was reminded of how great their songs were. They had real musical talent and such a wide range of music, that it would have been good even without their funny lyrics. I loved how they played up their nerdy characters with stories of their rough times 'on the road' like the time they ate a complimentary muffin and 'took drugs'. Their version of taking drugs is when one of them had a cold and took cold and flu tablets and the other one took one 'just because'. After the concert, Lilly and I went to the after party where there was free food and drinks. I ordered a marguerita but I couldn't really drink it because my stomach was cramping up from eating too much cheese. I know- I'm a greedy guts. Can you believe I ate the food at the after party too? I was hoping it would help calm my stomach. I don't know why I always do that with food, I think by layering more food on top, it will solve the crazy cramping my stomach feels is necessary for my survival. ITS NOT NECESSARY!! Maybe my stomach is trying to warn me that I eat too much. Hmmmm. Now that's food for thought.

At the after party I met Jemaine. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. I also bumped into a girlfriend of mine from highschool in Hong Kong who is now an agent at one of the top actor's agencies. She had a strange demeanour but I like her. Not sure if it is exactly mutual. Oh well, what can you do? We were chatting for a short while but then Langford was coming to pick me up. He had stayed on at Zara's house. We had been there earlier for a BBQ and even before that we had been at another BBQ in culver city. As I was walking out to the car, I saw that Langford was talking to a friend of his, Mia, who he had randomly bumped into. Mia was out with two casting directors I know, so I quickly said hi to them. Random!

Today we have been at another memorial day BBQ. It was hosted by my friend I met 15 years ago at and English Acting course, held in London, and who I re-connected with 2 years ago when she was working on the technical side of the movie I was in. Who would have thought life would throw us back together in this way? Me. I also know her dad. He works in the industry too. It was a beautiful party at a lovely house. The party was catered for and there was some good food. We also met a big producer, Eagle. Eagle was very friendly. I also had a weird moment with a larger lady who I thought was my manager for a second. I looked at her as if I knew her and she reciprocated and hugged me and said "It's been so long!" I then realised I did not know her, after all. But we still had the hug. It was kind of awkward. I am dead tired.

I don't want to write my blog today. I'm too hungover. Maybe I will come and add more later. My party was great. The vodka cranberry definitely helped me. It was pretty weird at the beginning though. I hadn't booked the venue because my friend had told me you didn't need to. I also had never been there before and didn't think it necessary to contact them and tell them I was having a party. I, of course had a strange fear that maybe Langford and I would show up and discover that the bar was closed. Then I told myself that that was ridiculous. Then we walked up to a closed bar. Great. This place is so 'cool' that it doesn't have a sign or even the address printed outside but we were pretty sure we were in the right place. Then a handsome black man, sitting in a car outside, asked us if we were looking for Club L. "Yes," we replied. "Well, I'm the manager and it doesn't open till 10."
"Oh shit." The current time was 8.45 and I had invited people to come at 9. I really didn't want to tell everyone that we just had to hang out on the sidewalk. This was a terrible start to my party. People were already going to have difficulty finding the place and now it wasn't even open! The manager introduced himself and said he was waiting for the owner to arrive with the key. A girl showed up and I eagerly asked her,
"Are you the key bearer?" This was beginning to sound like a mystical TV show. My friends started to arrive and there were 5 of us now huddled in the cold on the street. I wouldn't let them go to another bar for fear of confusing the yet to arrive guests. They finally let us in and so we started the party in a massive warehouse with only the 5 of us and all the house lights on. Great. Then the writer of a movie I did arrived and had brought with him a pretty well known British actor. I rushed to explain why my party is so weird. They were probably expecting a thumping cool scene and instead it was just 5 or 6 people in the corner of a massive warehouse. Weird. Anyway, the served us some drinks so it was OK. Then finally, more people arrived and we had a great time. Will tell more, later.

Birthday Party.

Oh my goodness. I am about to go to my birthday party. I really, really hope that lots of people come. I hope that it is fun and that there are no hiccups. Ever since my 9th birthday party when only 8 people came, I've suffered a terrifying fear of a repeat. It is totally unjustified because ever since that party I have had fantastically large parties. Last year I didn't have one because I was 30 and didn't see much to celebrate in that. This year I feel much more comfortable with my age. Of course I am still trying to look 21 but I'm sure I'll get over that. I am going to have quite a few drinks tonight whilst also trying to remain a proper person. This may be too difficult a task. I must now leave and eat something to prepare for the alcohol abuse my liver is about to take. Pray for me.

I wanted to say that I also had a great day today with Langford. We road to Venice on our bikes, had breakfast at Cora's and I had my hair done and I did a 15 minute psychic reading which was a load of bollocks. I have to go now.

Happy Birthday

It's my birthday! How wonderful it was to wake up and know this simple fact. It made me feel happy. I just realized that my mentioning my birthday it could easily expose who I really am. Oh well, I don't think anybody else is reading this anyway so it doesn't matter. I woke up Langford, annoyingly telling him that 'I was ready to start my birthday'. He pleaded for a little more time so I think I gave him at least another half an hour before I told him that I was 'really' ready for my birthday. Thankfully Langford is such a good sport and went to make me breakfast in bed. I got a boiled egg on ezekiel toast and a cup of tea. The egg was perfectly boiled to my taste. I knew that that was an accident but I was grateful for it. Then Langford gave me a card with a funny rhyme and some beautiful sparkly blue Indian beaded sandals and a necklace. The necklace was particularly thoughtful because he had the one he had originally bought for me and that I had lost, re-made. The Indian sandals I had spotted in a shop window a month ago but never tried on. He got the last pair and they happen to fit perfectly. Lucky. I then rushed off to miracle class where we did a beautiful meditation and had an interesting discussion about perspectives. Then I had a massage at Zara's place and then Zara and her boyfriend and Langford and I went to a beautiful lunch on top of Soho House. I had a glass of rose champagne and ate fish salad and lemon tart. Yum! I have had many birthday messages today which makes me feel very happy. I am now going to walk into Santa Monica with Langford. We might catch a movie. Whatever takes our fancy. What a beautiful, free day. That said, it has been pretty expensive! Oh well. It's my birthday.

Two sides of the coin.

Here I am existing in my last few hours of being 30. I quite enjoyed being 30 but I think 31 will be better. Pretty much as soon as I had turned 30 I injured myself and spent many months in pain. I cricked my neck in whiplash and it seemed that old age was going to cause many issues throughout my body. I felt as though my body was already falling apart-was 30 really so old? Of course I was a little dramatic, but you must understand that previous to that, I had never before suffered any major injury. Now before you conjure up the image of the terrible car accident that caused my whiplash, let me quickly replace it with the true story- which is really boring. Basically I walked outside in Langford's shoes and because they were too big for me, I tripped and stopped myself from falling by flinging my neck back. Yup- that's it. That simple act cost me over $3000 in physiotherapy, acupuncture and some very exciting pain killers. Now, thank god, my neck is mostly fixed, and I only have a few residual issues that pop up from time to time. Like they did last week when I spent too long putting on mascara in a weird position. The massage helped though. I am getting another massage tomorrow. I figure that it is my birthday and I should do lots of nice things to make myself feel wonderful.

Today was an OK day. It had a few proper aspects and lots of silly parts. The proper version of the day is that I got up and drove to a pilates class in Venice and then I re-wrote a draft of the short film I want to shoot with Zara and read a pilot that I should be getting an audition for. I emailed my agents about projects I want to go in on. I also cooked myself stir-fried vegetables and tofu in my new wok. Before cooking in it, I, of course spent 20 minutes seasoning with oil and cooking it off to create a film in the wok before first use. Please note how proper this is. Very proper.

The silly version of the day is that I ate a lot of lollies when no-one was looking, talked on the phone and watched the movie 'Valentine's Day' which I actually thought was pretty good. I moped around and lay on my bed and spent a ridiculous amount of time reading facebook status updates on my newsfeed, as if I would find some semblance of truth or a hint at the meaning of life in people's random observations. Sometimes, I actually do find some cool things in the news stories that people put forward, but mostly it is akin to watching a soap opera. Mindless. Being mindless is actually very good for you. It is helpful and relaxing. But you just can't do it by watching TV forever, you have to be mindless in life. I mean, by quietening your mind so that you can listen to your heart and act from a place of purity. Who knew reality TV could provide such spiritual enlightenment? Well, it doesn't. But it can be helpful for a moment or two because it distracts your brain. I thought Valentine's Day was good for that exact reason.

So anyway, the day is at an end and I must go to sleep. I pray to the universe and ask that my year of being 31 be my most prosperous, successful, creative, joyful and loving year yet.

Fairy Floss, Dumplings and Babies.

Early morning rise and a walk with my beloved Langford. We walked to Starbucks which is a place I never intend to work in. I got a residual check today for $170, so that will keep me in the customer queue and not behind the counter for at least 8.8333 days. I drank a bottle of water and passed on the coffee. Upon arriving home, I searched for wrapping paper and a card for Penny's baby, due in August. I had carefully selected a book for the boy, yesterday, but I had ended up choosing a book with sparkling butterflies on it which, Langford said, was more like something for me, not a boy. I had become enchanted with the positive rhymes and butterflies and suddenly the boy factor had flown out the window. Surely it is good for boys to be exposed to pretty things? Ah well, we will see how Penny's son turns out! After finding the suitable wrapping paper, I then set off to West Hollywood and picked up Penny from her hotel. We dined at the little french cafe and she bought me breakfast which was very kind of her. We ate a delicious paris ham, wild mushroom and gruyere omelette while we talked about all of our relationships and what we have been doing over the past year. She made a documentary which is pretty impressive and I guess, since I saw her last, I had made a film. We really only touched on those subjects though. For the most part we talked about our love lives and how she had got together with the father or her baby and about her previous break-up and about my relationship and how in love with Langford I am and about how Langford and I broke up and got back together. Of course the two hours we spent together disappeared like vapor in the air and then she was out of my life as quickly as she had dropped in. I drove her to the Farmer's Market where we said our goodbyes and then I was off to Thai town to meet Zara.

Zara was determined to teach me the joys of doing a grocery shop in Thai town and it is much cheaper than the supermarkets! A whole package of string beans is only 89 cents! This was wonderful news to me and I packed my basket full of fresh basil and beans and broccoli and freshly cut papaya. We also sampled some of the asian sweets. Unfortunately only one of the three packets we bought was any good. The asian fairy floss wrapped in a rice paper sheet. Such a satisfying treat. When we got back to Zara's house, she made some meat dumplings and I ate 2 as well as sampling her pistachio tarte tatin. I can't tell you how blissful it is to be fed so much delicious home made food. I think Zara and I have both been cooking a lot more lately. I then partook in my bad habit. Watching The Tudors on Showtime. I love that show and find that I easily become obsessed with it. I have always been fascinated with Henry the 8th and his wives. I have read many books about them and watched a bunch of movies about them and I know exactly what is going to happen-however I am still captivated by the story every time! It is strange how a story can do that. It is not always about the surprise or the twist at the end, it is just about the incredible events and how the story is told. That is what makes a story interesting, not the unexpected, but rather, the expected. For then we have the opportunity to closely study the human condition, how people were driven to act as they did and how they felt when they acted. We are no longer distracted by the story. People are interested in studying character and how it defines us. Can we ever really change our character or are we forever trapped in ourselves like Sartre's captives in 'No Exit'? I think the distance that history gives us, allows us greater insight into the realities those people faced. We are able to see it more clearly from far away, because we no longer feel threatened by the actions. I think that is why we can watch films about the holocaust now but couldn't when it was happening or just after the events. The wounds were too fresh for us to look upon and study. Only once they are healed are we able to run or fingers lightly over the scars.

Zara and I then made a whole bunch of steamed gyoza or dumplings. We made some with fresh coriander and mince and some with halibut and onion. They were all delicious and very healthy. Zara's boyfriend Ted and a co-star from her TV show, Edward, joined us. We played around with the video camera and then I helped Zara hang fairy lights in the back garden and ran lines with her for her audition. It was a lovely day and I feel in much better spirits. Miracle class was helpful last night and just what I needed. These are my last days of being 30. Only one more day. Hmmm. I wonder if I will be this way forever? I know that deep down inside me, there is a proper person trying to get out but I just can't locate her at the moment. I shall continue to search and keep you updated on any advancements. Maybe when I turn 31 I will suddenly become proper! Let's see.