Sometimes it feels difficult being a person. I really believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and that is why we sometimes have those strange thoughts; "it's so hard being me!" We strive to be 'true' to 'ourselves', but of course we are always ourselves. We are trapped in these bodies and bound by our personalities. We cannot be someone else. The reason we have the sensation that we want to be 'more' ourselves is because we sense that there is another 'truer' version of us lurking inside. Perhaps it is the true spirit that is trapped inside the human being. The spirit existing in the duality of humanism.
I'm afraid to be myself sometimes. I worry about what people will think. I want to please them and second guess what they want from me. Other times I feel very comfortable and free to express myself. I guess this is a duality we all feel. Isadora Duncan, who was an incredible dancer, spoke of these two versions of ourselves: "You were once wild here - don't let them tame you". I saw this quote on a silver bracelet today in a shop on Abbot Kinney in Venice and it excited me. It is a perfect quote for creative types and for all people. We all want to stand firm and proud when we express ourselves. There should be no need to apologize for our presence and no need to alter ourselves. Yet, when fear kicks in, second-guessing is a knee jerk reaction.
This morning I was struggling. I have some visa issues and am waiting on my greencard. Yesterday, I still had not heard anything and it seemed that my case had been delayed. Then I got an email from my lawyer saying I may have to apply for another type of visa! I panicked, but I tried hard to calm my mind and keep a positive outlook. I asked the universe to 'heal my perception of this', taking time to practice some of the principles from 'The Course in Miracles'. It may sound silly but I found it to be helpful. It did help create a more peaceful state and stopped me from spinning into fear.
I was grateful that the miracle class was on this morning, as I hoped the meditation and discussion would help clear my residual fears. Sure enough, it did and I felt much better. I maintained a positive outlook and took myself out for a slice of pizza in Venice and bumped into a producer friend. He sat with me while I ate my pizza and talked with me about his movie projects as I sat listening and eating. He probably saw the pieces of chicken continually getting stuck in my teeth as I attempted to delicately consume the pizza, but made no comment. Do proper people have this problem? I don't think so! Maybe they just don't eat pizza. He said I looked great and asked me if I had lost weight. I immediately felt guilty for eating the pizza- maybe if I eat it I won't look great anymore. Then I wondered if I had actually lost weight. People always say that to me when they haven't seen me for a while and I think its because they just forget that I am small. It's impossible for me to have just been continually losing weight for the past 10 years. I would be a pin now and I am not. Yesterday a lady asked me which school I went to. I said "I'm 30!" I guess I should feel happy but in Hollywood I'm always getting told I'm too old for a part so I guess the movies have different standards.
After pizza, I wandered into the mystical bookstore. I read a little of 'The Biology of Belief'. A very interesting book, written by a scientist, about how cells and DNA do not control our biology; that instead DNA is controlled by signals from the environment outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts. I kept my mind full of positivity and finally the lawyer called saying that she was sure I would get my green card as the main part had been approved. The second part was being held up but it was no great cause for concern. I felt hugely better and wandered if my positive thinking had helped. Maybe it was just the fact that I enjoyed eating pizza in the sunshine, or maybe the outcome was always going to be that way with or without my thoughts. But, "those who don't believe in the magic will never find it" - anonymous. And I'm a believer.
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